The most asked question from experienced submissives in the past few months has to do with struggle internally with your own submission, with your resistance to discipline and overall disagreement in a relationship. It is, of course, a natural progression of behavior adjustment and of introspection. We all know that the path of submission is not an easy one and that along the way we will get lost, we will encounter the wolf and we may drop our picnic basket and run away screaming.
It doesn't have to be that way.
“The lower you fall, the higher you'll fly.”
Recently I've experienced my own internal struggle that caused some tension in my relationship with KnyghtMare. I've begun questioning his decisions, controlling the situation and overall trying to force my opinion as to the right decision almost all the time. It's something I notice I'm doing far too late and the damage is done. He's had enough and is getting more strict about enforcing his rule so that means for the next while I'm going to be a bit miserable as I learn or re-learn proper behavior.
But the challenge is that internal struggle to be good and obedient is colliding with the belligerent, loud-mouthed slave I don't want to be. And the negative is overwhelming me.
What I have to realize is that while I may be chastizing myself and in agony over my struggle, that it's not just my struggle. My Dominant is right there with me and he may have a different view of what's going on than I do. And in this current stressful situation, he did.
The revelation of what I was doing floored me and shook me to the core. I was not acting submissive at all. And something had to be done.
We've come to a decision as to how to work through this and get me back on the right path, but while I understand what he says must come to pass, I know that the methods to get there are going to be painful for us. Physically so in some cases, emotionally and mentally in others. It is the way struggle manifests.
Those of you who have struggled internally with submission may have come against a wall of disagreement with the discipline your Dominant doles out because you felt that your mistake was honest and small, it wasn't large enough to warrant punishment. Even if you think it, your Dominant has a different position. If he were to let every small slip go without even a word of warning you would be more likely to push that slip farther. It's part of human nature to see how much we can get away with. He's doing it for your own good.
What you can do is suck it up, accept the punishment and do your best not to do it again.
Listening to our internal voice is hard sometimes. It's your good and bad self-battling it out. I know what I should be doing, but sometimes that voice is just too quiet. I know you've been there too.
I guess what I'm getting at with this post is that I'm not perfect and I struggle too. I think, and have had this brought to my attention, that since I reflect and research submission so much that I'm constantly analyzing my own submission and picking it apart. If I just went with the flow of things more often I'd have less stress and my internal struggle would be lessened as well.
It's a hard thing to let go and allow things to happen naturally. This fast paced, got to have it right now the world has us all pushing and fighting to get our way. But those of us in submission, myself included, have elected to let someone else decide our path. Sometimes it's better to just allow it to happen and be patient with our changes.
Questions to Ask Yourself
- When was the last time you struggled at your submission? How did you overcome?
- Have you ever disagreed with a decision your Dominant made about a mistake you made? Why?
- If you had to personify the struggle you have right now, what would it look like? What characteristics would it have?