In D/s sexuality one of the more common rules is that the Dominant controls the orgasms and sexual release of the submissive. Some require that the submissive not even touch themselves without the say so of the Dominant. In this style of power exchange, it is familiar territory that the submissive will learn how to ask for an orgasm whether in or outside of a scene.

In my current relationship asking to orgasm came right on the heels of having to call him Master. It was just part and parcel to who I was to become. I knew it was coming but nothing could prepare me for that first time I had to ask, no beg, to be allowed release. The power and control were intense. I swore that I wouldn't be able to hold it till he said I could but I did and have only come early once that I can recall in the 6 years we've been together.

That isn't the case for some, I know one submissive that the Dominant relishes the 'punishment' for coming without permission. He's been known to hold her off and deny her over and over and in pleasurable torment until she can nothing but allow it to come and pay for it after. It's a game they play.

How does this work exactly?

In a Scene

During play or sex, the goal for at least one of you is an orgasm. If your orgasm is imminent then you will likely have to ask to be allowed to have it.  Now, at first, I swore this was silly and impossible. How in the world would I keep myself from orgasming? It's definitely a measure of trust because before I was at my ultimate peak he looked into my eyes and told me I could come.  His measured control over my body resulted in my trusting him to allow me to come before it was too late and I launched over the proverbial cliff.

One of KM's favorite activities to do with orgasm control is the count.  As always I ask him if I may come and instead of saying yes right away he tells me to count to a number. If I went to fast there was a chance he'd say no. If I went too slow I could lose the need to orgasm or come before it was time. I had to learn to pace my numbers just right so that I could hear the 'Now!' command.

Another issue that I had with asking to orgasm is it's mildly humiliating. As a submissive, you have to admit that your sexual need is at its peak and hope that you can orgasm. Begging is as much a part of the humiliation as the waiting. There's only so many ways I've learned to beg for a climax and so many repeated pleadings to make it work.

Outside a Scene

I'm a lucky submissive in that I can masturbate whenever I want and orgasm as long as I tell KM afterward. This was not always the case and I rarely do it anyway. Sometimes the urge is there though and instead of ignoring it, you can ask for permission to indulge. When I did have to ask it took a lot of time to muster up the guts to do it. There's something about doing it outside of a scene that makes it that much harder.

The admission that you are sexually turned on and want to do something about it is again a bit embarrassing. Overcoming that feeling is a long process for most of us because of the way we are brought up to think about sex as a secret, only in the bedroom with the lights off sort of way.


I think that having to ask to orgasm is a way for us to not only give over the control to another person but a way of reclaiming your sexual expression. It's no longer a secret pleasure that you do when alone. It's a part the of mutual pleasure, even if you aren't in a scene at the time. Just letting your Dominant know you would like to come can be highly exciting.

Give it a try. Ask your Dominant if you can come today and see how they respond!