This is a guest post by fuzzyP, a male submissive in a relationship with his Goddess and a regular participant of the Submissive Guide chatroom.
Since this is my first time writing in this venue, allow me to take just a second to introduce myself. I go by fuzzyP both here at the Submissive Guide as well as other sites. In a nutshell, I’ve been actively submitting (primarily as a service submissive) since January 2010, to a wonderful Domina who was willing to “break-in” a middle-aged newbie. I felt honored when Luna asked if I’d be willing to do some writing “from the submissive male’s viewpoint.” She regularly receives questions from male subs about male submission, so over the next few months, I’m going to try and tackle some of them. I thought I’d start with what has got to be the most commonly asked question by men trying to get into the lifestyle: What do female Dominants desire in a submissive? Lest you think me presumptuous enough to speak for all of Female Dominion, let me assure you that most of what I present here comes from “Those Whom We Serve,” with just a bit of my own experience sprinkled in.
This question gets asked time and time again (in one guise or another) in lifestyle forums. What are Dominants looking for in a submissive? Is x, y, or z a desirable trait in a submissive? How can I make myself more desirable or appealing to a Dominant? Do dominant women like this, that or the other thing? Unfortunately, there is no one set of ideal submissive traits that one can emulate. Indeed, if you ask these questions of twenty different Dominas, you’ll get at least twenty different answers. Each Dominant has her idea of what makes a perfect submissive or slave. Some like youth and physical fitness, others like maturity and experience, tall or short, eloquent or not-so-much, pain slut or light-weight, sissy or not, emotive or the strong/silent type, well, as you can imagine, that list goes on and on. The problem, as I see it, is that too many (prospective) submissives get bogged down in trivial matters when they should be focusing on pure truth and sincerity.
Curious? Check out: Is Male Submission a Form of Weakness?
I see questions like “Will my tattoos be a turn-off for dominant women?” or “I’m only 5-foot-2, can I still get a Mistress?” posted on lifestyle forums regularly. The very nature of these questions suggests that dominant women are all of one monolithic mind and that these “cookie-cutter” Mistresses are all in search of a mythical ideal submissive clone. Nothing could be farther from the truth. In response to all such questions, one vocal and eloquent Dominant started her thread, suggesting that any question starting with “Do dominant women like …” was a pointless one, since the answer will ALWAYS be “Yes,” for some, “no,” for others and “maybe” for still more
It’s fair to say that there are some commonalities that most (if not all) dominant women will look for (none of which are physical traits). The first is that a prospective submissive/slave be honest and genuine. The honesty should be a no-brainer. Trust is the single most crucial aspect of a D/s relationship, and trust is impossible without honesty from both parties. Being genuine, while similar, may not be quite as obvious. There is a natural tendency to act or speak in a way you think she wants you to. The problem with that, however, is that you don’t know what she wants yet. She is trying to size you up as a person, which means she needs to get to know you – the REAL you. I understand the desire to “pad the resume,” but even if well-intentioned, this is still a form of dishonesty. If you are new to submission and have no idea what you want from a relationship, the best thing you can say is, “I’m new to submission and have no idea what to expect, BUT I’M WILLING TO LEARN AND TRY NEW THINGS.” (Assuming you are willing to learn and try new things.)
Having good manners and displaying common courtesy is also high on the list of desirable traits. One posting Mistress went so far as to state that good manners are an “aphrodisiac” for her. How much more of a ringing endorsement could you want?
A willingness and ability to follow instructions is also a relatively universally desired trait. This willingness can often be demonstrated from the start. Begin with a Domme’s profile – AND READ IT. Hopefully, they will say enough about themselves to give you some idea as to compatibility. She may describe what she likes (both in a D/s context as well as vanilla interests) and what she doesn’t like. Does her list seem to overlap with yours? If yes, then that’s a good start. She might also give instructions on how to contact her. FOLLOW THEM. Think of this as the first test – if you can’t even get this right, she’s not likely to waste a lot of time on you. If sending a note, be sure to include the information she asks for and try to tell a little about who you are. If you share interests, especially vanilla ones, mention it. Be polite and write well. This is not the time for text-speak. Use actual sentences and check your spelling and grammar.
Also, at this point, there is no reason to even bring up the acts you wish to perform or how badly you want to be “split open by her strap-on.” Not only is that in poor taste and a turn-off, but it also suggests a fundamental lack of understanding of who’s in charge. And do I need to add that at this stage she probably has no desire whatsoever to see a picture of your manhood?
Be as utterly candid as you can about what you hope to get from a relationship. If you’re only interested in bedroom submission, say so. If you’re looking to explore the lifestyle in as full a manner as possible, say that. Are you interested in providing domestic services (i.e., housework)? Avoid the “I’ll do anything for you” trap. “Anything” covers a lot of ground, my friend. What if she says, “OK, wash my car”? What if she wants something you’re not prepared to give? Admitting that you don’t know the full extent of your interests and limits, but that you wish to explore these areas under her guidance, could go a long way.
It never hurts to learn skills that might be of interest to a Dominant. Are you handy around the house or in the kitchen? It wouldn’t hurt to learn. Do you know how to give a massage, or at least a good foot rub? There are classes for that. How about learning to care for leather or latex garments? The internet is full of sites dedicated to this. You can see how these and other skills might be considered useful, but don’t claim a skill that you don’t know well.
One “skill set” to be careful about would be those things generally considered unique to the submissive/slave population. There are books, articles, and web sites dedicated to things like “protocols”, submissive behavior, slave positions and the like. While having a fundamental grasp of these concepts can be useful, I would caution you against committing any one set of instructions to heart. There is an excellent chance that what a book teaches and what your eventual Mistress wants will be two different things.
So, getting back to the original question – What do dominant women want in a submissive? They want a submissive that is open and honest, genuine in his portrayal of himself, and genuine in his desire to submit. They want excellent communication skills, obedience, and a willingness to explore new possibilities. I’ve seen more than a few say that they want someone who recognizes that she is a person first and a Dominant second. You must be willing to learn, particularly from your mistakes. The things that make you a decent human being – like some selflessness, a sense of humor, excellent organizational skills, a decent personality, and not being too full of yourself – will also help you attract a Dominant. A Dominant that sees this sort of a package will see someone that she can work with and mold into her idea of a perfect submissive/slave.
It is an unfortunate reality that men who self-identify as submissive are a dime a dozen. The task of finding a Domina has disheartened many, in part (I think) because what they perceive to be “what a Dominant wants,” in fact, isn’t. My list is certainly not all-inclusive, so I would welcome feedback in the form of more ideas that others may find helpful. (I’ll also try to answer any questions that may have been prompted by this essay.) As you take that first step and contact a Dominant, remember to be honest and sincere, and be yourself. Show her what you’ve got to offer, and let the rest happen in due course.
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fuzzyP a relative newcomer to active participation in the D/s lifestyle, and has been in service since January of this year. Like most things he does, he's really thrown myself into it, including a great deal of reading and research that predates his entry into the lifestyle. fuzzyP doesn't claim to be an expert on anything, and it is his goal to stimulate some thought, discussion or debate. You can contact fuzzy at firstname.lastname@example.org