Dear Submissive Guide,

My Dom and I are basically in a LDR. We have been together for about 8 months. His job requirements are such that he travels consistently. In our relationship he identified as poly and I have great interest as well.

We decided that it would be in our best interest to become more stable in our relationship before seeking a third or any outside relationships. Recently he rescued a friend who was in a critical situation of her own. She is now his companion during his travels at this time.

What has happened is they have grown closer and a relationship has formed. Of course I found out not through he or she telling me, but there were pics involved. Once everything was said and done, he has explained he does indeed love her and they want a relationship. He still wants a relationship with myself as well. I feel very uncomfortable at the moment because of the distance he and I share. With the start of a new relationship I'm not sure if insecurities will overtake the relationship on my end, especially since it was started unbeknownst to me.

Do you have any advice on trying to make this situation work?


Trying to Make it Work

Dear Trying to Make It Work,

The hallmark of a good, solid poly relationship is the same as that of a good D/s or any other kinky relationship - trust and communication.

Can you make it work? Possibly.

All three of you will have to communicate open and honestly about what you want and what you need. You’ll all need to have an understanding of what your relationship is and what it isn’t. You’ll have to negotiate the specifics of what works and what doesn’t so that you’re all comfortable.

My biggest concern is that all of this happened without either of them telling you anything. The fact that you had to find out through some sort of third party or in any way other than one or both of them talking you to directly is a huge red flag. They may have been afraid to tell you, but in order for such a relationship to work, none of you can let fear stop you from saying the important things.

It's, at minimum, a lack of consideration and a lot of fear, and at worst, a lack of regard for your feelings and total dishonesty. Only you know for sure.

If you want to make it work, if that’s what your heart of heart tells you is the right thing for you (not him, not her, but you), then you owe it to yourself and to them to tell them how you feel about the entire situation, good or bad, and what you need to feel comfortable and secure in your part of the relationship. They’ll have to be willing to take the time to earn your trust.

But, if for any reason, you can’t find a way to trust him or her, you may be better off walking away now.