Uniqueness is underrated. Everyone wants to be like everyone else, are comparing themselves to others in order to fit in, but it's the fun little unique aspects of a relationship that make it special. Kindling those unique things is especially important for me in a mono-poly and likely most other relationships.
Every relationship is unique and special. We’ve all heard it and I’ve often said it when people ask me what is common or normal in a D/s relationship. But when it comes to engaging in polyamory, it can start to feel like your relationship is no more unique and special than the others that fill your partner’s life - and this is more the case, I feel, in a mono-poly situation. I have been the monogamous side of a mono-poly relationship for 7 years and while all the books on polyamory I read often help me see how healthy poly works, they do little to build confidence in my monogamous brain.
You’d think that having been the mono side of a mono-poly relationship for so long that I’d be secure and stable and confident in my place in KnyghtMare’s life. But, I still have feelings of insecurity and lack of specialness that creep up and interfere with my confidence from time to time. When things start bothering me, I can look to the small things that make my relationship with KnyghtMare unique and special and that makes my confidence soar every time.
So, what are these little things in our relationship and why are they important?
Why Small Things Matter
There are only so many ways that a couple’s life can settle into a comfortable normal that both partners work well within. In poly, all couples have date nights, go out to movies, say, ‘I love you’ and spend time with each other. Having smaller rituals or behaviors within the grander gestures or time spent together are what makes your own relationship unique to another your partner may be in. For the monogamous partner, these can be the things that bring them the most joy and I know, at least for me, help me from feeling jealous, or thinking I’m just not special to his life.
KnyghtMare is a bowler. He’s not a pro bowler (yet) but he loves going bowling and we try to practice at least twice a week and he has league night also. Going with him has been a great thing for us, and that is almost like a date. One of the things we started doing was that I got two kinds of kisses depending on what sort of frame he got. A strike got me a kiss on the lips and a spare got me a kiss on the cheek or forehead.
I love earning kisses and it is a great way for us to connect while he bowled. So, when he started going bowling with his other submissive also, I asked him if the kisses for frames could be our little thing. He said yes immediately. This little thing is something we do that makes me feel special and it’s something that is just us.
I’m sure there are things that he does just with her and makes their relationship unique, but the bowling kisses, that’s mine. It is just one thing of many that make our relationship unique.
Finding Your Small Things
It’s important to find what makes your relationship unique, even if you aren’t in a poly relationship. Those little nuggets of special things are the glue that holds your relationship together. It’s often what you think about when you are reminiscing about a special event or when you’ve got to spend a weekend apart.
If you don’t know what things in your relationship a small bites of special, then do the following activity.
For the next week, write down everything that your partner does that tells you they love you without actually saying those words. It can be anything! Here are a few generalized ideas:
They talk about your future together.
They shared their feelings
They have loving body language
They smile when they see you
They’re interested in your day
They buy you little gifts
They do sweet and helpful things for you
They send you an “I’m thinking of you text”
Once you’ve done the activity you’ll see there are a lot of things your partner does to show you they love you, that you are important to them and that they care. So finding things within that you can call unique and special to just your relationship shouldn’t be that difficult. Celebrate those things!
I suppose what I’m ultimately trying to say is that you need to enjoy the uniqueness of your relationship instead of trying to be like everyone else! Having things that you do that are just you and your partner are so special. If you don’t think you have anything special, ask your partner - they likely have a few things they love about your relationship that you may not have thought about!
The grand gestures are nice, but it’s those everyday small items that really matter and can make your poly relationships just that more unique and special so don’t forget to keep them strong and healthy!