Hi Submissive Guide,

I, and my two female subs are involved with a sub woman who lives two hours away. She drives up to see us twice a week, on her days off. She really enjoys being with us, and I'd like to collar her.

The problem is that she refuses to tell her current "Dom" Who lives in Fla, and essentially visits her twice a year (he calls & emails her daily). She has reported that he has lied to her numerous times, from his marriage status to being with many other women. She has been with him for 16 years, and he never established a safe word with her (she was ignorant of the very idea until we introduced it to her). She is very leery of change and just can't give him up. Any thoughts?


Hello to you and this sounds like quite a complicated problem!

In the start this looks like a poly problem, dealing with your other partner's partners. It brings up a whole mess of questions that you need to ask your partners and relationships.

I hear a whole lot of, "she says..." She has reported his being a liar. She has stated that he never gave her a safe word. She says...

Have you personally, as a potential partner or potential Dominant, communicated at all with her partner of sixteen years? What is his story? Ever hear of the three sides of a story? Her side, his side, and the truth. I encourage anybody who is ethically non-monogamous to be able and willing to have an open and honest conversation with not just their partners, but their partner's partners as well.

This woman is new to you. She has been with her other partner for years. Is she being honest with him? With you? With herself? Is this ethical non-monogamy or is it just possible that she is bored or dissatisfied or getting a thrill from something new and exciting?

Maybe they didn't need a safe word because they were vanilla for most of the relationship. Maybe she lied to him too. Maybe she is not leery of change but wants her cake and to eat it too.

And while this started as a poly conundrum, it ends up being a Power Exchange one. Ask yourself:

Do you really want to collar a woman who is otherwise obligated to another Dominant? And if you do, do you want to do so without having a respectful dialogue with that other Dominant, be it in person, on the phone, in an email?

It is very difficult to lead somebody. Exponentially so when she answers to another. Impossible when you don't really know what is going on in her head and heart and other relationship.

Good luck and be well.

Kind Regards,

Mrs. Darling