Dear lunaKM,

I have been in a vanilla relationship for quite some time and lately, we’ve been trying out sub/dom. I’m a sub but not only in the bedroom. I like to be told what to do and punished if I don’t complete them. I’m the kind of person that needs that punishment because I like to push boundaries. The issue is, he can never think of anything to punish me and we’re both so new at this, we’re just trying to figure things out as we go along and sometimes I feel like he’s just doing it for me. Any help? Newbie

Hi Newbie,

It is possible he’s doing it to please you, because when you love someone you want to do anything you can to keep them close to you and go to the ends of the Earth to see them happy. What has he said about the Dom/sub part of the relationship? Does he express interest in doing it himself or are you having to push him to do things and he obliges reluctantly?

You really can’t make someone do something they don’t want to do without damaging something - usually the relationship. So make sure you are talking about this often and that you are both on the same page. If you aren’t, work to get there.

The punishment thing has me curious. Are you doing things intentionally to get play punishment (an excuse to play) or are you enjoying getting in trouble? I understand that some relationships need a reason to get into kinky punishment and it can be a fun dynamic for those who do that, but for people who want to submit and please, getting in trouble is the furthest thing from their mind. Punishment is NOT fun for those people. I can’t tell from your message which camp you are in so I’ll give you suggestions for both sides. Remember you first need to discuss and talk with your partner to make sure you are on the same page.



  • Remove or restrict freedoms (TV, phone/internet usage, favorite foods, going out)
  • Sit in the corner or another room, quietly without moving.
  • Remove privileges (having friends over, going to a concert)
  • Write lines such as “I will not be a bad submissive.”