If you’ve wondered whether you can enjoy kinky playtime with your Dominant in a long-distance relationship (LDR), wonder no more! I am here to tell you that it’s entirely possible—and very enjoyable.
While we were separated by a few thousand miles, I was very fortunate that my Dom was only one timezone ahead of me, which was challenging at night but fun in the morning. While I tended to go to bed well after he did, waking up to his orders the next morning was a continual source of fun for me.
My Dom was always very good about building anticipation so that he had me eager to finish the day and get home so that I could play. Sometimes we were able to share a phone call if it was early enough for him, but there were times when he gave me a laundry list of “tasks” to complete before I went to bed, and this is where the fun began. Yes, it’s true that I was playing by myself a lot, but knowing that I was doing what Sir commanded made the difference. We practiced orgasm denial, so there were times that I was allowed to orgasm and there were times that he pushed my limits to the max, leaving me to either proudly report that I’d completed the task or admit failure and beg for forgiveness.
Playing by yourself (at the behest of your Dominant) requires a great deal of self-restraint and self-discipline. It’s really hard to deny yourself an orgasm when you’re all hot and bothered—and alone...with no one looking…. But that’s what makes it so much better when you do deny yourself the orgasm; you have successfully followed orders, and that makes the accomplishment feel even better.
So how do you have playtime when you’re in a long-distance relationship? Here are a few ideas to get you started:
- Lists: There were times when Sir sent me a list of tasks that needed to be done before bed. Sometimes they were so detailed I had to print them out so I didn’t miss a step. Often they involved clothespins, spreader bars, cuffs, and vibrators being used at certain points during the play session. This, again, is where the discipline comes into play. Being able to keep track of everything is tricky when you’re heading straight into Subspace! The best part is when the list arrived early in the day, so I spent all of my time eagerly anticipating bedtime.
- Hourly tasks: Sometimes Sir’s work schedule kept him busy all day so he made sure I was busy, too. We had a game that involved spending a predetermined amount of time masturbating each hour. Sometimes I was allowed an orgasm. Most of the time I wasn’t. The biggest challenge was making sure I could complete the task each hour, which took a ton of planning at times.
- Spontaneity: I think this is something that all kinky couples can enjoy, regardless of geography. Sir gave me surprise tasks when I was at work. Sometimes they were as easy as “Go into the bathroom and remove your panties. No panties for the rest of the day.” Other times he’d look at my work schedule and order me to have an orgasm between meetings. This made things very interesting. (He was very good at picking the times before meeting with my boss…)
People have asked me whether I had to endure punishment on my own. The answer is yes, though truthfully I was never punished a lot. While the easiest (and worst) punishment would have been to have total silence between us, that was a bit too easy. As a novice, I forgot that punishments didn’t always come right away. One night during a video chat Sir reminded me that I was due a punishment. Two things happened. The first thing was that I had to redden my own ass. Spanking one’s self is both challenging and humiliating. Honestly, I can tolerate pain much easier when it’s coming from someone else. Spanking myself was not easy because you can’t get the angle right to really deliver a blow. When I didn’t produce the desired effect, Sir played upon his knowledge of my fitness routine and made me lie on the floor with my legs up in the air. This might not sound horribly challenging, but I had to engage my core by keeping my hips off the ground as well, so the whole time it felt like my stomach was on fire. Sir had a bird’s eye view of my ass and lifted legs on the screen; when he asked if I’d had enough, I was too stubborn to say no, so my punishment continued until he finally told me to stop. Anyone who tells you that punishments can’t be doled out properly in a long-distance relationship clearly has never truly experienced it before.
Read More: A Lesson in Control with Self-Punishment
A word of caution: Sub Drop is a very real concern in any play situation, and going from Subspace to Sub Drop can be a very real (and potentially scary) situation. There was one instance when I was in the middle of some really intense anal play and the sensation was enough to put me in Subspace very quickly. At some point, I lost focus of what was going on and I was so relaxed I almost fell asleep without putting the toys away. Once I took care of the toys and got back into bed, I started shaking uncontrollably. I cried a little, and for the life of me, I had no idea what was going on. I was a spectator while my body reacted. My emotions were going crazy. I finally fell asleep, and the next morning I shared this with Sir, who apologized immediately and realized that we’d need a better system in the future in case that happened again.
Later I was able to see that I’d dropped pretty hard, and it was exacerbated by the fact that I was alone. Having an aftercare teddy bear or special blanket might be helpful in a case like this. A check-in with your Dominant post-play would be better. In retrospect, hearing his voice would have made all the difference in the world. This is where the distance piece can be challenging, especially if you’re separated by many time zones. I suggest that if you’re playing before bed and a phone call isn’t possible, have a few items that remind you of your Dominant nearby (again, a blanket or stuffed animal are perfect). Spend a few minutes relaxing and reflecting, and then send your thoughts to your Dominant. You might develop a system on nights that you’re playing where you know your Dominant will be checking email or calling the following morning just so that you can expect to hear from him. Being able to anticipate a phone call or email/chat can be helpful as well.
Playing from a distance is very exciting, and creative Dominants and willing submissives can have loads of fun trying new things together. For a submissive, playing from a distance requires an extra dose of self-discipline. It makes the separation more tolerable when you can share in the joy of playing with your Dominant. It will allow you both to feel closer when being together physically isn’t possible.