from chat night 10-4-11

(8:05:07 PM) lunaKM: Let's start out with a little introduction period. Everyone please let us know the general area you are located, if you are sub, slave, property, other and anythign else you'd like to share with us. (8:05:07 PM) hachiko: I <3 blue (8:05:35 PM) pepper_di: i will start if you like lunaKM (8:05:54 PM) lunaKM: You can go ahead pepper_di, it's not turn based. (8:06:06 PM) pB3: hello, I am a female sub from Pennsylvania USA, unattached (8:06:26 PM) hootchie: Hootchie, married sub, living in Southeast. (8:06:26 PM) hachiko: I'm hachiko. Currently under protection of a good friend. I think I'm more a pet but I'm still very subby. I live in WA. (8:06:34 PM) tina-poLD entered the room. (8:06:35 PM) subbentley: I am Bentley and I am from the Denver area and I am a submissive female without a S/O who has just recently just discovered BDSM (8:06:43 PM) pB3: hi tina (8:06:44 PM) pepper_di: i am pepper_di owned and collared sub.slave from the "Wilds of PA" (8:06:47 PM) lunaKM: hi tina-poLD, welcome. We are giving introductions if you just want to fall in :) (8:06:49 PM) bonimiss: hi tina (8:06:55 PM) hootchie: hi tina (8:07:03 PM) pB3: lol pepper (8:07:05 PM) darlingbells: darlingbells, property of Lucky in VA (8:07:31 PM) amari: live in Wa, owned slave, married to my Master (8:07:32 PM) bonimiss: i am bonimiss, collared and owned from Jersey (8:07:43 PM) vella: sub, state of WA (8:07:47 PM) tina-poLD: hello all i am tina collared by my Master LD ........48 years old in washington state (8:08:03 PM) subbentley: Wow, it seems everyone on here is owned and collared (8:08:12 PM) subbentley: I think that is really neat (8:08:13 PM) lunaKM: Nope, not everyone subbentley (8:08:19 PM) lunaKM: but many are ;) (8:08:57 PM) lunaKM: I'm lunaKM, your moderator tonight and the editor of Submissive Guide. I'm in Iowa, US and am married and collared to KnyghtMare. (8:08:58 PM) hachiko: I'm with out an S/O too subbently. So you're not alone. :P (8:09:20 PM) subbentley: Thanks, hachiko (8:09:40 PM) subbentley: :D (8:09:45 PM) lunaKM: Did we get everyone for intros? (8:09:46 PM) hachiko: :D (8:11:17 PM) lunaKM: Ok, folks, tonight's topic is Recovering from a breakup. I do realize that many of you are in relationships and goodness I dont' wish them to end, but let's try to think together on how we'd recover if something did happen. Feel free to share past experiences if you'd like and chime in whenever the mood strikes you. (8:12:07 PM) subbentley: Well, I have never been in a D/s relationship but I know breaking up whether D/s or Vanilla sucks either way (8:12:13 PM) hachiko: I recently had my relationship end not too long ago and am slowly recovering with help of some good friends, school, and a bit of traveling. I try to do things to keep my mind off it. (8:12:18 PM) lunaKM: The end of a relationship is a very emotional time for everyone. No matter how it ends there are always heartaches (8:12:39 PM) hootchie: Just to clarify, could this include relationships within d/s, for example a poly relationship? (8:12:43 PM) lunaKM: Ok, so you keep yourself busy hachiko, that's smart. How do your friends help you with that? (8:12:44 PM) darlingbells: I think in a D/s relationship there's the added loss of a bit of a sense of self (8:12:58 PM) lunaKM: Yes hootchie, this is any relationship, each has their own little .... uniqueness. (8:13:03 PM) subbentley: Yeah, keeping busy and not worrying what the other person is doing or thinking is always good (8:13:14 PM) hachiko: The invite me to go to muches and come over for a movie. Or go out and try new things I haven't done before. (8:13:30 PM) pepper_di: i think that recovery would be going through stages (8:13:33 PM) darlingbells: oof. I have to go. Earlier than I thought. Nice to see everyone! (8:13:38 PM) lunaKM: Take care darlingbells (8:13:42 PM) subbentley: Night (8:13:44 PM) pepper_di: night darlingbells (8:13:47 PM) pB3: bye darlingbells (8:13:48 PM) darlingbells: NightQ (8:13:49 PM) hachiko: NIGHT (8:13:52 PM) darlingbells left the room (quit: Quit: ). (8:13:58 PM) hootchie: We have a group, within our community, that sends out emails to those who have had break ups.... (8:13:58 PM) hachiko: Well my ex-Owner and I still talk from time to time but it does get a little hard. (8:14:09 PM) lunaKM: what kind of emails hootchie? (8:14:23 PM) lunaKM: are you hoping to maintain a friendship with him hachiko? (8:14:30 PM) hootchie: Just words of encouragement or "snuggle and cuddles"' emails (8:14:37 PM) lunaKM: aww, that's sweet. (8:14:43 PM) subbentley: I think you are right, pepper_di , breaking up, has stages and people go through them differently (8:14:54 PM) vella: that sounds like a good support system hootchie (8:14:57 PM) lunaKM: Much like grief perhaps pepper_di, subbentley? (8:15:08 PM) lunaKM: You are in fact mourning a loss (8:15:19 PM) hootchie: (8:15:21 PM) pepper_di: Yes much like grief lunaKM (8:15:28 PM) subbentley: Right, I would agree, it is very similar (8:15:31 PM) hachiko: that's a cute idea hootchie. Yes I do lunaKM. Part of me feels it's a bad idea though cause we still care deeply for one and other. (8:15:59 PM) hootchie: thanks hachiko and luna (8:16:07 PM) vella: i find its more difficult when there is still a sense of mutual respect that exists but both parties know it isnt right and wont ever be right, growing apart etc (8:16:16 PM) lunaKM: I've had to advise someone who was trying to do the same thing hachiko, and my advice has been that you need to stop all communication until the hurt is done and you can face each other with a renewed light. (8:16:34 PM) lunaKM: otherwise you continue to open that hurt each time you talk with them. (8:16:44 PM) pepper_di: i know in my previous relationship i got suspended from the polyfamily and i know that i dealt with it differently that say another relationship ending (8:16:45 PM) lunaKM: and your recovery could take much longer than you realize. (8:16:58 PM) lunaKM: Differently how pepper_di? (8:17:52 PM) pB3: after 8 months Master contacted me "as friends" and I was glad for this, the worst of the pain was over and I trusted his knowledge (8:18:08 PM) pepper_di: At first i was mad because i wasn't sure of what i had done, then when my bad behavior was pointed out i accepted and decided to "grow up" (8:18:08 PM) hachiko: my question then would be then why stop communication if there is still the possibility for friendship as well as respect for eachother. We had a rule to not talk about anyting hurtful but it doesn't seem like it's going to work well. (8:18:12 PM) lunaKM: pB3: You stil call him Master? (8:18:26 PM) subbentley: Being that I have never been in a D/s relationship but have experience in break-ups in Vanilla settings, I was wondering has anyone ever felt physically hurt , like their heart is literally breaking or their stomach hurt so bad they could not eat (8:18:27 PM) pB3: not directly to him... though I did slip once (8:18:44 PM) pepper_di: Yes i have subbentley (8:18:46 PM) hachiko: subbently, I have. (8:18:49 PM) subbentley: Just wondering if that is common in both settings (8:18:54 PM) lunaKM: hachiko: You don't stop talking to them permanently. You just go do your own thing for awhile until you know you are past the hurt of the end of the relationship. (8:18:56 PM) pB3: I have never loved nor been that attached to any man in my life, so it was a major pain (8:18:58 PM) hootchie: @hachiko-We looked at it like a "time_out" (8:19:33 PM) subbentley: Thanks (8:19:47 PM) hachiko: pB3 I"m still there. I want him so badly but I couldn't be enough for him. Which really sucks to find out. (8:19:49 PM) pepper_di: yes i think it is. just because you are in a D/s relationship doesn't mean that you don't stop being human (8:19:52 PM) lunaKM: I loved my ex husband greatly and although we grew apart I still think of him and wish him well. (8:20:03 PM) hootchie: @subbentley-for me, it was physical and emotional (8:20:05 PM) pB3: turned out he would accept my wish to be collared again (8:20:24 PM) hachiko: Well that's happy-making. (8:20:31 PM) pB3: i truly thought there is something wrong with me (8:20:46 PM) pB3: amen hachiko (8:20:51 PM) vella: im in the same position lunaKM, and part of me wonders if it would just be easier to hate him - slightly juvenile I know (8:20:55 PM) subbentley: Well, sure I would never wish harm to any of my ex's either, but I just wondered if the context of the break-up was different because the relationship itself was different (8:20:59 PM) pepper_di: why do you say that pB3? (8:21:18 PM) subbentley: But, I am seeing it really is not (8:21:22 PM) pB3: think it is a sub-mentality? how could the Master be wrong??? (8:21:23 PM) hachiko: If there is one thing I have learned, it's never that there is anyting wrong with yourself, it's you doubting yourself and that can be hard to come to terms with. A little encouragment helps to boost that self esteem. (8:21:26 PM) lunaKM: I tried hating him vella. It just didn't last long. He never did anything that was so horrible that would equal my hate. (8:21:54 PM) lunaKM: The context of a D/s breakup can be very different from a vanilla one or it can be very similar (8:22:05 PM) ambersub entered the room. (8:22:09 PM) lunaKM: It depends, I think, on how long and how entrenched the sub was. (8:22:15 PM) lunaKM: If there was no back up plan (8:22:18 PM) hootchie: hi ambersub (8:22:20 PM) pB3: i was never as close to my Ex as I was with "master" (8:22:22 PM) subbentley: That is true, I never thought of that (8:22:24 PM) pB3: hi ambersub (8:22:24 PM) lunaKM: hi ambersub (8:22:27 PM) subbentley: Hey, ambersub (8:22:30 PM) ambersub: My dom had to remind me to come here again tonight and hello all i nearly didnt make it (8:22:33 PM) amari: i think that taking a break from each other after a break up is really the best idea. if you are at the point were a break up is necessary obviously you both need to work on yourselfs before ever attempting to work on a relationship together (8:22:37 PM) lunaKM: feel free to just jump in, we are talking about relationship break ups and recover. (8:22:56 PM) hootchie: (8:23:11 PM) ambersub: oh my breakups (8:23:32 PM) Mark entered the room. (8:23:43 PM) lunaKM: Ok, so say a submissive has moved across the state(or country) to be with the Dom and then the relationship ends. What happens? (8:23:46 PM) lunaKM: Hello Mark (8:23:52 PM) pepper_di: if i don't count being banned from a former polyfamily, i have only had two other break ups in my travels on the road of D/s and both times it was horrendous (8:23:54 PM) hootchie: hello Mark (8:24:00 PM) subbentley: Hey, Mark (8:24:03 PM) lunaKM: Should there have been a safety net in place and who is responsible for that net? (8:24:03 PM) Mark: hello (8:24:06 PM) vella: Hi Mark (8:24:09 PM) hachiko: lunaKM, that would be very hard. I ended up moving back into my parents house. (8:24:17 PM) hootchie: tough one luna.... (8:24:21 PM) lunaKM: It would be hachiko, but it happens a lot (8:24:27 PM) subbentley: I think that would be bad, moving for someone across the country or state and then breaking up (8:24:33 PM) pB3: oh my, don't even want to think of that answer luna (8:24:37 PM) ambersub: i have read that things like that should be discused before hand and if the dom is the one to support her then he needs to have made preperations for if it ends (8:24:38 PM) vella: i believe our friends n family are that safety net, or hope so at least (8:24:45 PM) hootchie: We recently had a member of our community move to TX to be with her Master of 6 months (8:24:45 PM) subbentley: I think that would almost be worse then just breaking up and living in the same state or town (8:24:48 PM) pepper_di: IMHO i think that you, yourself should be responsible for your own net (8:24:51 PM) hachiko: I think that both should be responsible for a back up plan or safety net. If things start to feel like they're unraveling, something sould be talked about. (8:24:53 PM) pB3: my plan was Pa to midwest! (8:24:59 PM) hootchie: we set up a plan, to go get her, should she need us too (8:25:36 PM) lunaKM: What kind of safety net should someone have? (8:25:43 PM) hachiko: My mom calls that our "In a heartbeat" plan hootchie. :D (8:25:53 PM) subbentley: Yeah, I agree, always having a back-up plan is a good idea and keeping seperate financies too (8:25:59 PM) ambersub: a place to stay should be first a lifestyle friendly place (8:26:03 PM) pB3: NOT to have dissolved prior living space/life? (8:26:03 PM) hootchie: Yep hachiko, that is what we all thought too (8:26:11 PM) hachiko: Kinds of safety nets: a little money stashed away, a place to stay, and a support network. (8:26:28 PM) subbentley: Sorry, I can't spell (8:26:29 PM) subbentley: lol (8:26:39 PM) ambersub: hachiko i agree (8:27:00 PM) pepper_di: know what support there is in the area-shelters, money/credit cards in your own name, friends/family whether kink or not to call (8:27:02 PM) lunaKM: Ok, sure pB3, but I think... I've been with KM for 7 years. I don't work outside the home, he takes care of me. If he didn't have a safety net set up for me, what would happen if we broke up? (8:27:10 PM) pB3: and I would hope the Dom/me would have participation in this plan (8:27:16 PM) hootchie: I always advise a emergency cell phone-with money stash (8:27:29 PM) pB3: i was thinking 'new' attachements luna (8:27:30 PM) lunaKM: Break ups can be messy as many of us know. (8:27:41 PM) pB3: oh yes, even in vanilla marriages! (8:27:48 PM) hootchie: (8:27:58 PM) pepper_di: that is true (8:28:02 PM) pB3: been there done that as they like to say (8:28:09 PM) lunaKM: How do you think you'd handle the removal/return of the collar? (8:28:28 PM) pepper_di: in the process of trying to leave a vanilla relationship (8:28:32 PM) hachiko: I cried a lot when my tag and collar were taken from me. (8:28:40 PM) subbentley: I think friends and a good support network of options such as where to go if things go south are vital for those of us whose families are not kink friendly (8:28:43 PM) hootchie: (8:28:45 PM) pB3: i felt like a lost puppy (8:29:06 PM) hachiko: I swore I would do everything I could to earn them back, but appaerntly it wasn't enough. I was lost and felt like a lost puppy but I kept slipping up a lot and that made it harder for me to earn them back. (8:29:18 PM) subbentley: I am sorry, hachiko (8:29:31 PM) lunaKM: I know on subguide there is a guest post about a ritual of returning a collar that I thought was beautiful. It gave it the same respect it had when given, to be returned. (8:29:42 PM) pB3: we are human first hachiko (8:29:53 PM) ambersub: i havent had a bad break up ive had a one that actually made me cry because i was young and thought i was in love i recently thought that my relationship with my Dom may end i was so lost i didnt know what i would do if he didnt want me anymore. i am not collared yet by him but i want to be and im am looking forward to it if i lost that it would be like losei (8:29:59 PM) ambersub: loseing apart of me (8:30:03 PM) pepper_di: that sounds like a good idea lunaKM (8:30:15 PM) tina-poLD: but what does a Master do with a collar that has been taken from one sub? (8:30:28 PM) lunaKM: (8:30:30 PM) hootchie: its not just the loss of the collar, but the loss of the person, the status, the rituals, and even the little things like hairbrush on the sink (8:30:35 PM) tina-poLD: i wouldnt want one that had been someone elses (8:30:39 PM) lunaKM: tina-poLD: Most Doms I know will not reuse it. (8:30:39 PM) pB3: LOL tina, is that like a used diamond??? (8:30:42 PM) lunaKM: It's like a wedding band (8:30:47 PM) hachiko: My owner had put it up in a place where I could see it everyday as a reminder that I wanted to earn it back. (8:30:48 PM) pepper_di: That is the Masters decision what they do with the collar (8:31:10 PM) lunaKM: KM did that to me too when I had mine removed for awhile hachiko. It sat on his desk all the time reminding me. (8:31:19 PM) hachiko: hootchie, I completely agree. It was also a loss of security and position in my case. (8:31:50 PM) subbentley: So, what about the other side, what if a sub wants to return the collar and end the relationship , not the Dom (8:31:53 PM) hachiko: Doesn't that just make you hurt more lunaKM? I had a hard time staring at it. (8:32:07 PM) lunaKM: It hurt but it also made me determined to earn it back. (8:32:12 PM) subbentley: Can subs do that (8:32:24 PM) lunaKM: Well subbentley, yes. You are in a relationship. It's balanced and two sided. (8:32:32 PM) hachiko: I had a friend do that recently subbentley. She retuned the collar but stayed for another week to make sure that's what she really wanted. Moved out shortly after. (8:32:37 PM) ambersub: yes subs can of course it is a choice to submit (8:32:43 PM) subbentley: True (8:32:50 PM) pepper_di: yes they can, but keep in mind that the Dom can tell you that they won't take it back and that you aren't allowed to leave (8:32:57 PM) lunaKM: And Doms who say you can't return the collar and have to beg release (with the possiblity of bein denied) aren't that grand to be with, imo. (8:33:04 PM) brazenwench entered the room. (8:33:06 PM) subbentley: Makes sense, You just always hear of the Dom taking the collar away and not the other way around (8:33:08 PM) lunaKM: hello brazenwench (8:33:18 PM) hootchie: I recently requested a "break" in our d/s relationship. I needed to deal with some depression issues, get regulated on medication, in order to better focus on our relationship. (8:33:24 PM) lunaKM: hop on into the conversation brazenwench, we are talking about relationships ending and recovery. (8:33:28 PM) subbentley: Yeah, luna, I will for sure keep that in mind (8:33:33 PM) brazenwench: Hello luna (8:33:41 PM) hootchie: My collar sat on our dresser.... (8:33:47 PM) subbentley: I would consider that a red flag (8:33:48 PM) vella: hi brazenwench (8:34:05 PM) brazenwench: Hi vella (8:34:30 PM) hootchie: hi brazenwench (8:34:34 PM) subbentley: I hope everything worked out, hootchie (8:34:38 PM) hachiko: A dom who says you aren't allowed to leave is a red flag IMO. I agree with lunaKM. It's a two sided deal. You made the choice to submit, you can take it back if you're not comfortable. (8:34:49 PM) lunaKM: So it sounds like we all agree that a backup plan and a support system are vital to recovery of a breakup... but how would you pick up your submission, as a new single person. Woudl you continue some of the rituals and routines? (8:34:51 PM) hootchie: It did, I just needed some time and distance.... (8:35:07 PM) subbentley: Makes sense (8:35:13 PM) pepper_di: i recently read the book 'Slave Craft' and there was a quote that was in there that rings true no matter your position in the relationship and i am going to paraphrase it here: Be true to the property-in other words be true to yourself and protect yourself (8:35:17 PM) ambersub: i think i would, if they were engrained enough (8:35:57 PM) pepper_di: i think that reading and learning more about submission might help (8:35:58 PM) subbentley: I like that , pepper_di, like listen to your heart and mind and make sure your needs are met as well (8:36:08 PM) pB3: i had to back away from all for it reminded me of "Master" (8:36:14 PM) hachiko: lunaKM. After my recent loss, I was very afraid I was going to lose my submissive nature. I did your e-Course of Defining your Submission and it helped a lot. I asked friends questions and opinons about it and well, I still feel pretty much like I did. Though I am a little more vinilla cause I do live with my mother, I am still allowed to be me. (8:36:15 PM) pepper_di: Yes subbently (8:36:25 PM) ***lunaKM nods with pB3 I think I'd have the same problem. (8:36:56 PM) pB3: though i realize my submission is part of who i am, I hide it well from outsiders (8:37:02 PM) lunaKM: That's great hachiko. (8:37:12 PM) pB3: in fact, many think I am dominant when they do not know me (8:37:44 PM) brazenwench: I think I'd have to step away for a little as well, just to clear my head and recenter myself. (8:37:53 PM) pepper_di: sometimes outside of the kink community one must wear other 'hats' so to speak (8:38:00 PM) hootchie: (8:38:12 PM) subbentley: Yeah, hachiko, I live with my parents too and I hide it too, but I do little things on a day to day basis to help me stay in touch with my sub side (8:38:38 PM) pB3: my strength truly developed during my separation and divorce of vanilla husband (8:38:47 PM) hachiko: Well I recently came out to my mom about it. She's okay with it for the most part. IN fact I think she has started to expect it to come out in the house cleaning department. :P (8:38:57 PM) lunaKM: rofl (8:38:57 PM) subbentley: That is great (8:39:02 PM) pB3: lol giggle hachiko (8:39:13 PM) hootchie: lol (8:39:16 PM) brazenwench: I live with my parents too, so I have to hide my kink and Sir from them. (8:39:27 PM) subbentley: My parents where not cool about it and said they did not want to know anything and it was not allowed in the house , so I hide - lol (8:39:59 PM) lunaKM: My mom knows that the collar I wear indicates the "kinky things I do" but that's all she cares to know. heh (8:40:00 PM) hachiko: Also, being under the protection or watch of a good friend of mine helps as well. He and his wife do a good job of helping keep with my subby nature. (8:40:10 PM) pepper_di: i must hide due to a young child at home....but i think that he may grow up to be a kinkster (8:40:18 PM) subbentley: That is also why I stay on-line and am not involved in the local community and will not be until I am on my own (8:40:19 PM) vella: lol lunaKM - blinders blinders (8:40:26 PM) lunaKM: Alright so you are broken up, how do you take care of those sub needs that come up while single? (8:40:50 PM) pB3: ... listening closely (8:41:10 PM) pB3: i deny that part of me presently (8:41:21 PM) pB3: but it will always be there (8:41:43 PM) lunaKM: No one has any ideas? (8:41:46 PM) hachiko: I like writting essays about my sub nature. I just recently finished writting a user manual of myself. It was a lot of fun and took about 6months to complete. (8:41:59 PM) lunaKM: that has to be interesting hachiko (8:42:06 PM) hachiko: I'm told it's a good read. (8:42:11 PM) hachiko: :D (8:42:21 PM) subbentley: Well, I am not broken up, but like I mentioned before I do things on a daily basis to remind and keep my head in submissive mode, such as making dinner and cleaning the kitchen and I also have a list of personal protocols I made that I try and follow (8:42:24 PM) pepper_di: if you are a part of a community maybe find someone to talk to or find someone that would let you be their sub for an allotted time (8:42:54 PM) subbentley: That is a good idea , pepper_di (8:43:01 PM) lunaKM: alright so we have writing and probably learning about yourself, personal protocols (which I love) and finding a surrogate Dom (8:43:02 PM) hachiko: I agree. (8:43:16 PM) hachiko: surrogate Dom? (8:43:23 PM) subbentley: Thanks, luna (8:43:29 PM) ambersub: personal protocols? (8:43:39 PM) lunaKM: yeah pepper_di said she'd find someone in the community that would agree to an arranged session. (8:43:41 PM) brazenwench: Personally, I'm not really sure. I mean, Sir and I have been a bit of a roller coaster, but I've never actually broken up with someone who was my Dom definitely. So, I don't know what I would do, except do what I did when I was single, keep myself involved in the community but "look, but don't touch" so to speak. (8:44:01 PM) lunaKM: Personal protocols are rules and bylaws that you set up for yourself with a self-imposed reward system to keep you on track. (8:44:15 PM) hootchie: (8:44:31 PM) ambersub: i had never herd that before is there a place with more info (8:44:47 PM) hachiko: Like, if you keep to your school work and get good grades, taking a weekend trip to visit friends is a good reward for that. Otherwise you're left playing "catch up". (8:44:51 PM) hachiko: For those of us that are in school. (8:44:56 PM) brazenwench: Bahaha I have little self control lol Though I probably do it without realizing it. (8:44:58 PM) pepper_di: i had a Dom that i would session with and he would go over general things that Doms like to see in their submissives (8:45:04 PM) lunaKM: (8:45:25 PM) ambersub: i am a senior so that will be good and thanks lunaKM (8:45:26 PM) subbentley: There is a good book about it as well, but I am blanking on the title (8:45:51 PM) subbentley: I think it might be called Personal Protocols (8:45:59 PM) subbentley: Amazon has it (8:46:04 PM) ambersub: unless its in the library i wont beable to get it any wal lol but thanx (8:46:20 PM) subbentley: Ah, well, maybe later on then, lol (8:46:24 PM) subbentley: Your welcome (8:46:25 PM) ambersub: :) (8:46:32 PM) lunaKM: Developing a Personal protocol by shannon reilly (8:46:36 PM) subbentley: Yes, (8:46:38 PM) subbentley: That is it (8:46:41 PM) ambersub: thanx (8:46:43 PM) subbentley: Thanks, luna (8:46:51 PM) subbentley: Good book (8:47:35 PM) hachiko: I see it labeled as Creating a Personal Protocol on Amazon (8:47:57 PM) subbentley: With a women kneeling with a tray (8:48:13 PM) pepper_di: i hate to cut out early, but i have this huge cat on me that is making me sleepy (8:48:18 PM) pepper_di: night y'all (8:48:21 PM) lunaKM: yeah it's probably the same book. I was just going from my memory (8:48:24 PM) ambersub: night (8:48:28 PM) pB3: nite pepper (8:48:28 PM) lunaKM: bye pepper_di, night (8:48:30 PM) bonimiss: sorry i had to leave, Master called, but what was in your user manual hachiko (8:48:30 PM) subbentley: Night, pepper_di (8:48:32 PM) vella: g'night pepper_di (8:48:36 PM) hachiko: Oh! subbentley that's just called Protocols. I read through that one. I really liked it. (8:48:42 PM) subbentley: Yeah, I can picture it, I am more visual (8:48:46 PM) hootchie: nite pepper (8:48:50 PM) subbentley: But, I am sure it is the same book (8:49:02 PM) lunaKM: Protocols is an awesome book too, it's in the BDSM resource series (8:49:07 PM) subbentley: Creating and Developing mean the same thing to me , lol (8:49:16 PM) hootchie: lol (8:49:17 PM) pepper_di left the room (quit: Quit: ajax IRC Client). (8:49:17 PM) hachiko: bonimiss, it was mostly things like how to handle me in certain situations as well as things that made me happy and unyhappy. Also, small tendencies like randomly being so hyper i make random noises. (8:49:18 PM) lunaKM: I've reviewed that one (8:49:35 PM) subbentley: MMM, I will have to take a look at that this weekend (8:49:37 PM) subbentley: Payday (8:49:42 PM) bonimiss: ok ty, thats a great idea (8:49:53 PM) hachiko: Yep. (8:49:55 PM) ambersub: so back to break ups how do you deal with haven given them all your trust and thoughts and then them just not being there anymore (8:50:08 PM) lunaKM: (8:50:15 PM) subbentley: Thanks, luna (8:50:19 PM) lunaKM: yeah that's a hard one ambersub.... (8:50:25 PM) hachiko: Ugh. I have a hard time with my owner not being around. That's why I still want to talk to him. (8:50:48 PM) ambersub: i would be so lost (8:51:08 PM) lunaKM: I have to honestly say that most people know that a relationship is failin before it does (8:51:08 PM) hachiko: I am. (8:51:16 PM) lunaKM: so that trust wouldnm't be such a big hole (8:51:18 PM) bonimiss: oh all i can think of is i would get to wear underwear again, lol (8:51:19 PM) subbentley: I think maybe taking a break from men in general and just doing your own thing for a while, I know that has helped me in the past (8:51:20 PM) lunaKM: as if say, the person died. (8:51:21 PM) pB3: agreed ambersub, the available knowledge and lessons now gone... that alone thrilled me! (8:51:24 PM) lunaKM: lol bonimiss (8:51:27 PM) subbentley: Get myself back on track (8:51:39 PM) ambersub: i wouldnt know how to build trust with someone else or if i would want to (8:51:47 PM) subbentley: Men, Women, whoever you are into (8:52:10 PM) pB3: i've been in that hole for about 10 months now ambersub (8:52:29 PM) subbentley: Then tread carefully and know that trust takes time to rebuild no matter who it is with (8:52:35 PM) ambersub: sorry to hear that (8:52:42 PM) hachiko: I know I want to build that trust with someone. I am kinda co-dependant, but also don't mind working on me at this moment. (8:52:47 PM) bonimiss: is it possible to put that trust in yourself and fill that hole? (8:53:12 PM) pB3: thank you ambersub. that is what i am presently starting bonimiss (8:53:25 PM) subbentley: I think you have to trust yourself first before anyone else , otherwise there will be no trust period (8:53:27 PM) pB3: rebuild my life (8:53:58 PM) subbentley: Yes, it is possible to fill that hole, but it will take time, Time heals all wounds, or so they say (8:54:07 PM) ***lunaKM nods (8:54:28 PM) ambersub: i want to be independ and dependant at the same time but i dont think thats gunna work (8:54:33 PM) pB3: my soul seems to demand i take a different direction or none at all (8:54:41 PM) subbentley: Maybe do something else that interests you for a while (8:54:45 PM) subbentley: Take an art class (8:54:58 PM) lunaKM: volunteer (8:55:02 PM) subbentley: Study something you have always wanted to study (8:55:43 PM) hachiko: I"m currently doing that. And as the e-course I took says, it's always something you can put into your resume later. (8:55:49 PM) subbentley: Travel , even a weekend trip away can take your mind off things (8:56:15 PM) hachiko: Yep. (8:56:24 PM) subbentley: Learn a new skill, Make-up , sewing (8:56:36 PM) bonimiss: when i find i am obsessing over something, i set a time limit to think about it or a time period. that makes me move on to thinking about a new thing (8:56:38 PM) hachiko: crocheting (is currently doing that) (8:56:57 PM) subbentley: That is a good idea , bonimiss (8:57:06 PM) vella: unfortunately, i need to leave a little early - enjoy the rest of the convo all :) (8:57:08 PM) subbentley: Give yourself a set time and then let it alone (8:57:15 PM) hootchie: bye vella (8:57:15 PM) lunaKM: take care vella (8:57:20 PM) subbentley: Bye, vella (8:57:21 PM) pB3: bye vella (8:57:23 PM) bonimiss: take care vella (8:57:30 PM) ambersub: bye vella (8:57:52 PM) vella left the room (quit: Quit: ajax IRC Client). (8:59:08 PM) lunaKM: and the hush falls (8:59:14 PM) pB3: lol (8:59:17 PM) subbentley: lol (8:59:18 PM) lunaKM: What else do we have to cover or are we done with the topic? (8:59:20 PM) pB3: like a lead balloon (8:59:27 PM) subbentley: Crash (8:59:47 PM) hootchie: lol (9:00:04 PM) subbentley: Can I suggest a topic for the next chat night? (9:00:25 PM) lunaKM: Alright, so subguide news? I'm starting a book club in the community if anyone is interested. We'll be voting on the first book after the 10th. I'm looking for book title suggestions now so get them to me on the forum. (9:00:26 PM) pB3: i found i had to deal on my own in my own time, if i reached out to those in D/s lifestyle it hurt more! (9:00:26 PM) ambersub: im not against it ... (9:00:29 PM) lunaKM: Yes you can subbentley (9:00:34 PM) subbentley: Or sometime in the future , possibly (9:01:03 PM) pB3: interesting luna (9:01:05 PM) hootchie: @luna-I am interested :) (9:01:09 PM) bonimiss: i am looking forward to the book club luna (9:01:39 PM) subbentley: I would like to see a topic on , dang , I just lost it (9:01:40 PM) subbentley: Sorry (9:01:55 PM) subbentley: Would the books be fiction or non-fiction (9:02:07 PM) lunaKM: either. (9:02:10 PM) subbentley: Cool (9:02:19 PM) ambersub: how about training and what are expected of a submissive from the get go (9:02:21 PM) lunaKM: I'm not limiting it, but they have to have a BDSM or D/s bend. (9:02:30 PM) subbentley: Sure, that makes sense (9:02:38 PM) subbentley: That is a good topic , ambersub (9:02:43 PM) lunaKM: ambersub: easy answer - nothing is expected from the get go. (9:02:44 PM) ambersub: thank you (9:03:13 PM) subbentley: And maybe how to put together a training resume and present it to a potential partner (9:03:16 PM) ambersub: i mean like in any relationship that i have had holding hands was a must for me (9:03:24 PM) hachiko: lunaKM, at least some submission is expected. (9:03:41 PM) pB3: implied LOL (9:03:46 PM) subbentley: Or just how to explore your own submission for single and coupled people (9:03:51 PM) hachiko: subbentley, I think luna has a few posts that explaine that. (9:03:57 PM) pB3: ... but its earned for sure (9:04:00 PM) subbentley: Oh, ok, Sorry (9:04:08 PM) hachiko: no worries. Just thought I'd mention. (9:04:12 PM) hachiko: I just did one. :P (9:04:13 PM) lunaKM: I have an ebook on the training resume subject too (9:04:18 PM) subbentley: Haven't explored the website too much yet (9:04:28 PM) subbentley: Cool, I will have to get that (9:04:38 PM) tina-poLD: you will find a lot of good reading (9:04:44 PM) subbentley: Well, then never mind, I can't think of what I was going to say (9:04:49 PM) subbentley: That is bad, I lost it (9:04:49 PM) hootchie: great resource (9:04:49 PM) lunaKM: rofl (9:05:06 PM) subbentley: Yeah, I love reading about BDSM (9:05:22 PM) tina-poLD: i think if we were to break up with what i have learned in the past year as slow as we are going i couldnt go back to a villina realenship (9:05:29 PM) ambersub: okay well im gunna head of here it was great to listen in on every onw it was helpful im gunna go read about those personal protocalls now (9:05:39 PM) subbentley: Have fun (9:05:43 PM) subbentley: Night , ambersub (9:05:45 PM) lunaKM: ok, take ccare ambersub (9:05:46 PM) pB3: bye ambersub (9:05:51 PM) ambersub: :) (9:05:53 PM) hootchie: nite ambersub (9:05:57 PM) lunaKM: I know have several article so make sure you use the search (9:06:10 PM) ambersub: i will thank you (9:06:16 PM) bonimiss: take care ambersub (9:06:17 PM) akabi left the room (quit: Quit: Colloquy for iPhone - (9:06:35 PM) subbentley: Yeah, I am not sure I could ever go back to vanilla , despite not having any D/s relationship experience because I know in my heart and mind that this is what I want and need (9:06:50 PM) ambersub left the room (quit: Quit: ajax IRC Client). (9:07:10 PM) hachiko: yep. I was told by my ex that I should just go back to being vanilla cause it's safe and what I seem to like, but it's not. And I know it's not. (9:07:13 PM) hootchie: (9:07:53 PM) pB3: thats why he is your EX (9:07:59 PM) lunaKM: rofl (9:08:02 PM) subbentley: lol (9:08:05 PM) hachiko: lol. Kinda. (9:09:25 PM) pB3: i found there was so much inside me that a Master found, touched, drew out and evolved... sigh, it was nice (9:09:36 PM) subbentley: Interesting (9:09:48 PM) hootchie: those elements are still there.... (9:10:01 PM) pB3: think this is why it was so hard to let go. YES hootchie, they sure are! (9:10:05 PM) hootchie: you will never lose them, they just need a Master to help grow them (9:10:31 PM) hachiko: I agree. But how do you know you've found a good or a right one to grow with? (9:10:40 PM) pB3: that is the part I am not sure OF (9:10:52 PM) pB3: for future (9:11:05 PM) subbentley: I think there are red flags to look for and in the end , I think sometimes you just know (9:11:09 PM) subbentley: Like intuition (9:11:24 PM) pB3: yes subbentley, agreed (9:11:29 PM) subbentley: Just be careful and don't give your heart to the first man that comes along (9:11:29 PM) deemina entered the room. (9:11:34 PM) bonimiss: there has to be that meshing of so many things, that click (9:11:37 PM) lunaKM: hi deemina (9:11:37 PM) pB3: hello deemina (9:11:42 PM) deemina: hi (9:11:44 PM) hootchie: hi deemina (9:11:45 PM) deemina: finally back from class (9:11:46 PM) subbentley: Hey, deemina (9:11:48 PM) bonimiss: hi deemina (9:11:51 PM) pB3: amen bonimiss, big time (9:12:07 PM) subbentley: Wow, your classes run late (9:12:12 PM) deemina: evening classes (9:12:14 PM) deemina: 4hrs/night (9:12:18 PM) subbentley: Although, I guess it depends on where you are too (9:12:21 PM) subbentley: That is a lot (9:13:40 PM) pB3: good nite everyone, thank you for the thoughts and company (9:13:49 PM) bonimiss: take care p83 (9:13:51 PM) lunaKM: night pB3 (9:13:54 PM) subbentley: Welcome and feel better (9:13:59 PM) subbentley: Take care (9:14:03 PM) pB3: huggs (9:14:05 PM) bonimiss: i think i will head off also, early morning (9:14:14 PM) bonimiss: bye all (9:14:20 PM) hootchie: I am headed out too. Everyone have a great night. (9:14:28 PM) hootchie: See everyone in 2 weeks :) (9:14:32 PM) subbentley: Bye, bonimiss and hootchie (9:14:34 PM) subbentley: Night (9:14:47 PM) pB3 left the room (quit: Quit: ajax IRC Client). (9:14:54 PM) lunaKM: night hootchie (9:15:00 PM) lunaKM: bye bonimiss (9:15:02 PM) bonimiss left the room (quit: Quit: ajax IRC Client). (9:15:14 PM) mcm left the room (quit: Quit: ajax IRC Client). (9:15:21 PM) hachiko: So I did have another question. (9:15:22 PM) hootchie left the room (quit: Quit: ajax IRC Client). (9:16:14 PM) hachiko: Talking to him from time to time seems to help me cope with the break up. As I said, we tend to break the "don't talk about painful things" rule and that's when it gets awkward. Why just quit cold turky? Even if it is for a small amout of time? (9:17:11 PM) lunaKM: because it's not just the talking that can rip holes in your emotions. You need to break away to remove the romantic relationship that was to be able to start a friendship relationship (9:18:08 PM) subbentley: I think stop talking to an Ex is a chance to give you a chance to breath, to experience new things , to see the relationship in a new light and realize that maybe breaking up was for the best (9:18:13 PM) Mark left the room (quit: Quit: ajax IRC Client). (9:18:39 PM) subbentley: Then later on as luna said you could become friends and start fresh with just that (9:18:41 PM) hachiko: Oh i knew it was for the best. But we still care deeply for eachother and that's why we still want to talk. (9:19:22 PM) subbentley: Well, then I would recommend keeping the talk netueral (9:19:35 PM) subbentley: Only talk about things friends would talk about (9:19:50 PM) hachiko: In a lot of ways, I still feel like I need him in my life. He is my first real D/s relationship and it was awesome. It's hard to want to be under the command of anyone else. (9:19:55 PM) subbentley: Keep sex and D/s and anything relationship wise out of it completely (9:20:03 PM) hachiko: Don't even call him Sir? (9:20:46 PM) subbentley: I personally would not, but again I have never been in a D/s relationship and I am speaking only from breaking up with in a vanilla setting (9:21:13 PM) deemina: I guess you both could talk about how he wants you to address him (9:21:20 PM) deemina: see what he would prefer (9:21:23 PM) subbentley: Keeping on calling him, Sir, will just feed that need for you to want to be with him (9:21:26 PM) hachiko: That's a good idea. (9:21:46 PM) hachiko: I will do that deemina, thank you. (9:22:05 PM) hachiko: Oo! What about mutural friends? (9:22:33 PM) hachiko: We had a lot of those. When we split, a lot of them took his side or just stopped talking to me. Some still want to visit me, is that bad? (9:22:44 PM) lunaKM: well I need to head out folks, (9:22:46 PM) hachiko: god I wish I had brought that up eairler. (9:22:53 PM) deemina: night luna (9:22:56 PM) hachiko: thak you lunaKM. (9:22:58 PM) hachiko: night (9:22:58 PM) subbentley: No, I think your friends are a good support system (9:23:04 PM) lunaKM: I had a great time, thank you for being here. (9:23:05 PM) subbentley: Thank you , luna and good night (9:23:05 PM) tina-poLD: goodnight luna (9:23:12 PM) subbentley: See you in two weeks (9:23:23 PM) subbentley: Have a great one