from the Submissive Guide Chat held 7/09/13 on Aftercare for Dominants
<~lunaKM> Hello and welcome to another chat night here on Submissive Guide. Please feel free to talk about the subject whenever a thought comes to mind, this is not a moderated talk and you do not have to ask permission to speak or ask a question. <~lunaKM> Please be courteous to others and do not private message them without permission in public chat first. Dominants are welcome in the chat but are reminded that this is not a pick up chat room. <~lunaKM> Name tip: to easily type someone’s name, start with a few letters and then press the TAB key. It will auto fill it out for you. <~lunaKM> Let’s start with introductions. Share whatever you feel comfortable sharing; age, experience level, the labels you apply to your submission (sub, slave, pet, etc.) and a general location you are talking to us from. 29, almost 2 years, sub, typing from good ol' north cackolacky 38 y.o. 1 year in the lifestyle. Slave to Romany_Master (RM). from Iowa <~lunaKM> Hi I'm lunaKM, founder of this site. I'm a 30-something slave to KnyghtMare. I am in Iowa. I've been his slave for almost 9 years. pardon me 39 now Hi I'm froggyKM! I am owned and collared by KnyghtMare, as his bitch and submissive, and in a poly group with lunaKM. I'm 33 and live in Iowa. I've been involved in the lifestyle almost 8 years now, and still learning everyday! 36, just a few months, slave, from Illinois Hi. I'm Fuzzy, formerly a sub/slave, I recently "switched sides". 40+ from Philadelphia. drew in NJ, subcuckold to my wife's BF, steve oh goodness i am so not giving my age lol. i am Fuzzy's submissive and i am in Texas (not for much longer though) :) <~lunaKM> Welcome everyone! <~lunaKM> Also, I used to do chat transcripts of every topical chat, should this return and if so, do you want this chat night to be saved as a transcript? sure ok with me fine with me always to save a persons work and disucssion sure <~lunaKM> good to hear :) <~lunaKM> Let’s start out with reviewing what aftercare is. Aftercare in a general sense is the physical and emotional care after play or scenes. Can you add anything to this description? wow, you are really making me think... lol I'm so new that I haven't really done aftercare yet. Haven't needed it yet after any of my play it may be short-term, in the immediate aftermath of a scene, or delayed, sometimes days also can include a leveling of the senses or reconnection to reality <~lunaKM> yes, it can be immediate or short/long term <~lunaKM> it helps with the transition ok, so maybe we have done aftercare, but I didn't think of it as that at the time <~lunaKM> What sorts of things happen during aftercare? basic needs, such as warming and hydration, for a start cuddling, encouragement bandaging, water, snuggles, blankets, warmth, snack ice packs <~lunaKM> It is often a need for submissives after playing to have some aftercare. While this isn’t always the case, what aftercare do you need from your Dominant after play? ummm... I have something else to add here. I actually prefer no touching no speaking to me. i want as little as possible touches, cuddles, sex, sleep are some of mine <~lunaKM> I need lotion on tender areas and something to drink <~lunaKM> that's about it really in the immediate <~lunaKM> days later I may need reassurance and praise mmhmm...thats my immediate aftercare I need touching about 24 hours after and a lot of encouragement and talking <~lunaKM> So the big question is.... Do Dominants need aftercare? i can vary sometimes i'm in my on world and need time to myself and then there are other times that i need that physical contact to know things are ok yes they need aftercare my wife gives me aftercare sometimes I have heard from several Doms that they need some physical care. massaging of sore over exterted muscles yes they need it <~lunaKM> Aftercare is most useful if it eases the transition out of play. Dominants also need to transition but rarely get their own aftercare because they are busy caring for their submissive. Encouragement that they gave you what you wanted, especially after very intense sadistic scenes <~lunaKM> good one Sometimes they need reassurance to know that what they did to the submissive was ok, massages, water, snuggles, encouragment, praise, and ego boosting <~lunaKM> What else do you think they need? a Blow Job! <~lunaKM> rofl taking notes, miscie? ding ding ding, winner <~lunaKM> hah Master, i thought you'd catch that very funny Sir giggles they might not need it all the time, but i know i've had to care for my Master a couple times especially when he's worried that he's pushed me too much <~lunaKM> When KM and I play he needs a blow job, shoulder massage and coffee. <~lunaKM> not always in that order has needed that reassurance you do realize that now Fuzzy is going to compose an aftercare list with that as number 1 lmao LOL miscie <~lunaKM> lucky you miscie :) RM gets real toughy feely and likes sex afterwards....as do I seriously, i have seen tops/dominants get very spacy (top space) during a scene, and may have just as much trouble transitioning back to reality as the submissive. so sexual release <~lunaKM> It’s not uncommon for Dominants to want the same thing you get. They need affection, relaxation, something to drink and/or eat. <~lunaKM> Massage, sex, sleep, affirmation that you enjoyed yourself, gratitude expressed, exercise... so you are saying its a human need/ Not soemthing to be separated by Dom or sub <~lunaKM> Yeah, I'd say that would be accurate <~lunaKM> the same hormones are running through our bodies i agree we humans need the same kind of things to recover physically and emotionally\ <~lunaKM> the same emotions the same endorphins ^ <~lunaKM> yeah, that :P What if a Dom doesnt ever go into Dom space <~lunaKM> you dont' need Dom space to need aftercare <~lunaKM> it's still physicallyl and mentally exhaustive Of course not...Im asking about intensity of aftercare <~lunaKM> heck, just good sex means you might need a cuddle, a smoke and a drink <~lunaKM> that would depend on the person on the intensity of aftercare needed RM doenst go into domspace...do you think the intensity or length of aftercare would chnage for a dom that does? <~lunaKM> that honestly depends on how someone handles adrenaline and endorphin highs <~lunaKM> some people really respond poorly and others cope well my former dominant would regularly go very deep into top space, and generally she was wasted for the rest of the night when she did How did you hep with recovery? if you did/could? well when i'm there a massage is always in order, regardless of play mostly, she needed food, and she generally liked a nice foot rub, but other than that, she wanted to be left to rest and watch some TV <~lunaKM> hello miz_twisT so i fed her, rubbed her feet and tried to be unobtrusive <~lunaKM> Whenwas the last time you thanked your Dominant or play partner for the play and told them what you enjoyed about the play? I always thank Master always everytime! RM heres and feels my thanks a lot. <~lunaKM> I've encountered so many who take it for granted, I'm so glad to hear you guys and gals do not. Hi, everybody. I used to be twistmahtiT and I always say thank you. hears* wow my typing tonight hi miz_twisT <~lunaKM> Now many Dominants will declare that they don’t need aftercare, that it’s a submissive thing. Why do you think that is? What can we do to help encourage them to get some recovery time? Me dom...me big strong man...me no need aftercare <~lunaKM> caveman syndrome you think? definitely I agree not really...but perhaps more of an over-developed sense of chivalry....first priority to the submissive they might think that what they receive from their submissive after a session isn't really aftercare although it is lol Fuzzy ...I get a bit of that with RM....he is a stoic man. But I know him well enough now, I know what he needs for aftercare I call it "after-play service". And when i'm in sub mode there is nothing I like better after play than going deep into my submission with service. <~lunaKM> It might also be that the goal is to get the submissive into a state, whatever state that is and the Dom doesn't think of the metnal state they are in. their aftercare could also be the need to take care of their sub after a session... I am service oriented and that usually hits the spot for RM i agree with littleone... i think He gets as much out of the aftercare He gives me as i do...idk for sure but its a nice thought <~lunaKM> Who should give a Dominant aftercare? Can someone other than the partner administer aftercare? since what you like is mostly affection, yes, I do. fortunately, your needs and mine mesh. it's a problem when that doesn't happen A good session gets past all of my walls and masks, turns my passion button to fully "on". And we are totally connected in our power exchange. <~lunaKM> What other thoughts do you have about aftercare for dominants? I believe Master makes sure he gets his aftercare! I think another can do it....hanging out with friends, other Doms <~lunaKM> I read an article awhile ago that suggested the Dominant have peers to give aftercare and I like that idea. It could give the Dominant a confidence boost and may have other positive effects. After I cuddle with pepper as the conclusion of a session, getting a massage from her is my aftercare. I need it -- my arm is getting better but an hour with the flogger still makes it sing with pain. Share ideas? encouragement that the scene was cool (if public)? everyone needs a little ego boost from time to time :) <~lunaKM> here here yeppers i mentioned giving ego boosts earlier! exactly!! <~lunaKM> What kind of aftercare might a Dom need if the scene is stopped with a safeword or some other abrupt ending? Debriefing and lots of encouragement and connection! They must know that as a submissive you have not been harmed and that mistakes happen, and are understandable debriefing is important....I use that a lot in my profession after very intense situations where emotions are high <~lunaKM> hi vitahalls hi :) I feel its necessary so that the parties involved know that although things were intense, not optimal or perhaps went bad, that the end result is what was desired The encouragement and connection is more important, though. Detailed analysis should wait for later, lol. hi vitahalls of course....timing is important hello triaging what is most important at any gioven time hi, vitahalls hi all Checking in with each other the next day is a really good thing. Whether the session went well or poorly. <~lunaKM> Definitely. <~lunaKM> So let's summarize what we've learned <~lunaKM> Aftercare is physical and emotional adjustment and transition from playtime to after. blow jobs <~lunaKM> Dominants do need aftercare. <~lunaKM> Feel free to chime in folks <~lunaKM> Massage, sex, affirmation, reassurance, ego boosts are common need communication, reassurance and ego boosting <~lunaKM> there can be different needs for different types of play and different times after play they may not voice their need for aftercare look at them straight in the eye and Thank them and tell them how much you love them, if that is the case <~lunaKM> Always communicate the need for aftercare before playing. ^ <~lunaKM> Dominants may not feel they need aftercare because caring for the submissive is their aftercare. <~lunaKM> Anything else? I love you lunaKM! <~lunaKM> lol, aww thank you froggyKM awww :) aweeeeeee <~lunaKM> That is for tonight’s discussion. I hope you picked up some new tips and thoughts from it.