I'm not the submissive I was ten years ago. I'm someone different, someone more. It's really hard to put a finger on exactly what makes me who I am today, but I am grateful that I've traveled this journey and progressed into what I feel is a more genuine me. And it's not just that I'm older, but that does help, and it's not that I have more experience in the D/s lifestyle, but that helps too. It's that I've been able to really fine tune who I am and who I wish to become in the future. I am, in all confidence, the person I've always wanted to be.
That's not to say that I'm perfect because I'm not. And I'm not better than anyone else because you just can't compare individuals against others. But my submission has evolved and taken me to a place that I feel absolutely certain that I know who I am. It brings me joy.
In Those First Days
When I first learned about submission and BDSM, because I was definitely interested in masochism and kinky sex, it confused me. I was unsure about how it would all work and what my place as a submissive would be like. I was also single which does make being submissive a bit harder and it definitely makes exploring kinky sex downright impossible! But that uncertainty of misunderstanding terms and common vocabulary, of feeling that if I didn't emulate all the other submissives I saw in a room that I was somehow not qualified to call myself submissive. I compared myself frequently to others. If I didn't act, speak and behave exactly like them I thought I was doing it wrong. Asking others what role they thought I was confounded me more. So I labeled myself a masochistic bottom.
But boy did things change.
How My Submission Transformed
Once I learned that submission was about the self and about how serving someone and taking care of another was really all it was for me things became so much easier. It was like that light bulb going off above your head. I got it! The service of submission was beautiful to me and I wanted to find my own path to joy in it. I accepted that I was far from perfect and that I had bad habits that needed to be broken. I had recently entered into a relationship with a Dominant that expected great things of me and reinforced that the changes I sought out would be possible with his help and guidance. Within a few months, I had stopped trying to be like someone else and found that I was a floundering, broken soul that ached for a purpose. I had been seeking submission through selfishness. And that was wrong. I needed to be a submissive who found happiness in the service of others. And deep down, I craved that more than anything.
It was a long hard road. I made mistakes, some small, some very large. I almost permanently damaged my relationship with KnyghtMare a few times in my growing process. But he was adamant that inside was the person I wanted to be and I had to just remove that shell. I'm sure that some of you can relate to the feelings of being trapped, of struggling to get somewhere but not knowing how to get there. It's frustrating knowing you have a goal, you have set priorities but you just can't figure out how to make them happen and what steps to take to get there. (I didn't have a site like Submissive Guide back then.)
So I slowly evolved. I shifted from confused bottom to a submissive. I was happy for once in a very long time. I learned what it meant to be in service to someone and to serve with joy. I learned and embraced service and teaching. I gained self-confidence about myself and who I am. I stayed content in the submissive role for years.
But then that too changed for me. Not everyone takes this path, but it fits me so perfectly now that I wonder why I waited so long. I embraced slavery. Terms and jargon aside, slavery was a click of a switch for me. Once I surrendered the idea that getting my way was necessary for my happiness, or that my Dominant couldn't look out for me in all ways and I had to be my own protector I found slavery to be my calling. Again, not every submissive progress or accepts the idea of becoming a slave. My personal journey led me here, but yours could be a completely different path.
I'm not done changing. I don't think I ever will be. But the point I'm trying to make for you is that submission isn't stagnant. You will grow and evolve. If you feel that the submissive you are not doesn't fit, then change it. If you feel you were meant for something more or something different then seek it out. Become the you that you are meant to be. And don't stop until you are truly happy. Because then, all things are possible.