The other day in a female submissives only group I help run on Facebook, I posted a link that talked about what things were expected of a 1950’s housewife. This isn’t the first time I’ve seen this and it probably won’t be the last. This is one of those things that tend to pop up on both Facebook and Fetlife occasionally and there’s always a huge debate over these ‘rules’. I posted this in the group and asked the members what they thought of the rules. I said that a lot of these things I do myself, not because we practice a 1950’s household or because Daddy has ordered me to, but because they’re things I want to do. There were a lot of similar comments and a few have you lost your ever loving-mind comments, and one in particular that caught my attention. This is the comment and the group member is totally okay with me sharing it with you.
I do none of it. Not a house slave and have no desire to be. I'm a little in the traditional sense and he cares for me I meet his social, companion, and sexual needs.
I feel at times this is part of sub shaming. Not all s types are the same or have the same expectations from their relationship.
After I saw her comment, I told her that I hadn’t posted the link to shame anyone and she told me that she knew I wasn’t sub shaming her, but that a lot of s-types that are involved in the lifestyle tend to look down and frown upon those s-types who aren’t into being a domestic god/goddess around the house and where domestic service isn’t a part of their dynamic. And she is very right about that and after this discussion, I found myself inspired to write about this topic.
Yes, a lot of people who are involved in some form of power exchange in their relationship, domestic service tends to be a huge part of that. There are s-types like me who love serving and totally get off on serving. There are also a lot of people who are involved in some form of power exchange in their relationship, where domestic service isn’t on the table. Not all s-types are into domestic service. Those who fall into this category tend to get shamed because they’re not ‘real’ or ‘twue’ s-types because, for some reason, most people think you have to have domestic service as a part of a dynamic.
I’ve written before about sub-shaming, but not exactly in this way. There are a lot of people out there who think the way they submit is better than others submit. I can honestly admit that I’ve read discussion threads before and had this exact thought myself. “OMG, how can she call herself a submissive and act like that?” “That’s what he considers an act of submission? Someone needs to do some more reading!” I have had those thoughts and have probably uttered a lot of similar phrases out loud and while talking to other s-types. Not really proud of myself for that. It’s even harder to actually publicly admit that I do think that way from time to time. And the group member’s comment really got me thinking about how I judge, and how others judge those who don’t fit the stereotypical definition of an s-type.
There shouldn’t be a stereotypical definition of what an s-type does or who they are. Someone who isn’t into domestic service isn’t any less of an s-type than I am. That person is still an s-type because their definition of submission is what they and their partner want the definition to be, what fits their relationship, their wants, and their needs. Daddy’s and mine definition of submission is going to be completely different from another couple’s definition because we define our relationship and dynamic based on what we want, need, and expect from one another. There will be similarities that overlap, but they’re similarities, not an exact replica of what He and I think and feel.
A major problem that comes with sub shaming is that it creates a divide where there doesn’t need to be one. Individuals who are in the lifestyle already face more than enough opposition from those outside the lifestyle. We participate in munches, other lifestyle events and online forums so we can be around like-minded individuals, somewhere where we are free to be who we are and be accepted for who we are. When we go into a place, either in person or online, where we assume is a safe space, only to find out that it’s not such a safe space when you’re being judged because you don’t fit someone else’s definition of what it means to be an s-type, it makes people feel isolated and as if they don’t really belong, which completely goes against the whole idea of community.
It’s not cool to sub shame. It’s not cool at all. All shaming does is create a divide between people who practice the lifestyle that doesn’t need to be there. I’ve said it before, and I’ll say it again, there’s no right or wrong way to be an s-type or to practice the lifestyle. There’s no reason to think you’re better than someone just because you wash dishes and sweep the floor as a part of your submission because, at the end of the day, we’re all people.