The other day, I found myself wondering who and what influences me with the decisions I make. The reason why I found myself pondering this is that I had begun to doubt myself and everything I believed and how I lived my life because of something someone had said about me. This person who had made these extremely hurtful comments isn’t someone who is even really that important to me. Not only that, but it was also an individual who didn’t know me very well at all. Despite the fact that the individual didn’t know me at all or isn’t important to me, the words that were spoken rocked my very core.
I didn’t realize at first how much the words had really affected me. It took me about a month to willingly admit that I was struggling with all of this. When I did admit all of this to myself, I found myself spilling this all out to Daddy in an extremely tearful and emotional conversation. I had told Daddy that I was unhappy with myself, that ever since finding out what had been said about me had made me start to question myself. That maybe I am stupid and immature for being a little. That it was ridiculous of me to go and have my hair dyed pink. That I didn’t know why words that should have so little meaning to me, had become such a heavy burden.
At this time, Daddy wiped the tears away from my face and told me I had nothing to worry about. That He has never thought anything less of me because of my random quirks and silliness. That it is my random quirks and silliness that make life enjoyable and give Him something to look forward to after a long day at work. That what matters most is His opinion of me, not someone who has no idea how I really tick. With these words, I started thinking about my mantra, the lines “bambi does not belong in the vanilla world. bambi is impervious to the influences of the vanilla world” and how I need to focus more on what’s important to me, my well-being, and my slavehood.
Daddy put those lines into the mantra because He knows how hard it is to rise above outside influences that tend to work against us. In a perfect world, being a submissive or slave would be a piece of cake. We would be able to be bound and scened with all the time and no one would question or criticize our decisions and we wouldn’t have to hide what we do and would be accepted by society for our body shape and size.
Unfortunately, we do not live in that kind of world. We live in a world. We can’t always get all the fun scening time we want and we are shamed by society for the way we live our lives and even for the way we look. I have slowly started to realize over time that my self-esteem does affect my servitude. The biggest reasons why my self-esteem is usually low is because I’m paying attention to society and the messages they’re sending. I’m not thin enough or attractive enough and should cover the birthmark that covers the right side of my face. Even though I know that Daddy isn’t bothered by my weight or my birthmark and finds me more than attractive, from time to time these things do bother me. Not only that, but I have troubles accepting my role as a slave and a little. Even though they are a very large part of who I am, it’s still not easy for me to accept these things. I feel that I’m too old to have a stuffed bambi and a blankie and still be overly obsessed with Hello Kitty and Disney Princesses. I even have times where I feel that I’m a weak individual for choosing to submit and turning myself over to another, for the fact that I can take better care of myself when I’m with Daddy then I was before moving to be with Him. It makes me feel like a failure as a human being.
When I find that I’m paying more attention to what society is trying to tell me and people who don’t know or understand me, then I’m not paying attention to Daddy or my heart. That’s when I lose sight of what’s really important. When I focus on Daddy,I am able to focus on my submission and do what’s I need to do to take care of Daddy and myself. Getting caught up with people and influences that really have no direct impact on your life can really cause some major turmoil in one’s life.
This is where having a strong, supportive group of family and friends to surround yourself with is a major help. Something I was told years ago by a dear friend of mine was whenever I felt down about myself, that I should allow myself to depend on the opinions of those who care the most about me until I can pick myself back up and I think that is something everyone needs to do. I feel that this is extremely important especially with being in the lifestyle. There are so many people who are against those of us who live the BDSM lifestyle, we need as much support from most importantly our owners, but also from our fellow submissives and slaves.