Being that I’m a masochist, I love pain. I’ve never really thought about it or analyzed what that means really, but reading other people’s blogs has always helped me see that saying I’m masochist is just another huge personal term in BDSM as a whole. So, to think it though, this is what being a masochist means to me.
I eroticize pain. I get the most thrill from impact play; be it flogging, spanking, paddles or crops. Just thinking about these activities can stir my sexual responses. I like sting more than thud which I’m beginning to think is a rare thing. So many people I talk to cringe when I say I like sting. I’ve always interpreted thud to be kinda uneventful. Now don’t get me wrong, I love the feel of a heavy flogger thudding across my back, but the masochist in me wants sting and feeds off of it. I get the most gratification from a mixture of sting and thud. I like intense and steady once I’ve made to to that happy place.
Constant pain like clothespins and nipple clamps or the swelling of areas while the blood flow is cut off is another delicious pain, but it’s one that I have a tendency to struggle against. In this I know that I like the struggle, I like the feeling that I can’t take one more minute and yet proving myself wrong over and over again. I like to tremble as the endorphins take hold and I like the buzzy feeling I get when the pain has reached the threshold. Going past the threshold is just pain, not pleasure at all. With constant pain, pushing me over the edge will max me out.
How I process the pain really depends on how I’ve gone into the scene. The easiest for me is to moan and groan and sigh, allowing my body to express itself any way I can. I tend to wiggle or struggle with it and then against the pain. To space a bit I have to get past this point. I have to progress to silence and acceptance. When the pain of the impact toy blurs with pleasure and is more muted no matter how fierce it may be is when I can find a zone that I love to sit in and probably could for hours. It is cathartic and feels healing in a way.
Another way I like to process pain is to bring out the tears. It’s a release to cry and sob and let the natural expression of pain come out. It starts out small and can lead to screams and loud cries. In this state I think I could get the most personal satisfaction from. I feel that I can push myself past the tears then I’ve made it to some level beyond what I thought I could have pushed myself.
It’s only been recently that Master has accepted that making me cry is okay. It used to be a full stop for him. Needless to say I crashed hard if he stopped then. I was just getting into it and then he’d stop because he thought my reaction was negative rather than positive. Many conversations later I think he’s accepting that I will call red if I’m done.
One of the most embarrassing ways I communicate pleasure in pain is by laughing. I get this way on more occasions than I can count. He could be going at me with the paddle and it will be so painful that I laugh and laugh. I try to stop only to explode in laughter more. I don’t know if it was harder for Master to accept this than the crying, but I know that I still have problems when I laugh. It just feels… out of place. I’m not mocking the scene at all, I swear. It just feels so darned painful that I have to let it out somehow.
So, being a masochist is my own personal definition of pain translation. I don’t have an ache for pain very often but when I do I’m pretty good at telling Master I need something. We’re open that way. Since Master has grown in his role we’ve been better at giving each other what we need at the right time.
I feed his sadistic desires and he fuels my masochism dreams.