A common topic of conversation among my friends is that after several years with their partners, their sex life becomes stale. The pizzazz and excitement of sex dissipates over time as you exhaust many of the sexual options that you have and learn how to work your partner’s body. Sex becomes mundane and more of a chore. I am sure that you have heard of this, or could be experiencing this.

BDSM, while it provides more options for things you can do sexually, can potentially still fizzle out. While it is important to understand that you are not alone in your experience of “stale sex,” it is also important to know that it is possible to work through this problem and rekindle the sexual tension and excitement that you and your partner once had.

Take a Break

I know this sounds counter-intuitive – why would you stop having sex in order to make sex better? The answer is simple, it can make you want it more. Have you ever been separated from your partner for a period of time? You missed them both emotionally, and physically. Then when you saw each other and were finally able to have sex, it was probably amazing – because there was a build-up.

The build-up of sex is one of the most important parts of sex, and one of the first things to go when you have a long-term relationship, and especially if you see each other very often (such as living together). When you started having sex you would make out for a long time first, there was probably a lot of foreplay, you probably felt like you were close to cumming before you even started having sex. But people get lazy, they don’t have time for that any more, and you probably do not demand it because you feel like a burden, or that it is not your place to ask for these things.

Taking that sexual break will help to build the tension back up. You can set a date that you do not want to have sex before, or simply abstain until both of you cannot take it anymore and you crave sex.

Talk About It

If you feel that the sex is boring, I can almost guarantee you that your partner is thinking the same thing. They will be able to tell that you don’t seem all that jazzed about sex, but may be continuing the pattern of having mundane sex in the hopes that it will magically get better, or because they do not know how to bring it up. Like I always say, communication is key in these situations.

Just bring it up – it is like ripping off a band-aid. Tell your partner how you are feeling and try to figure out where the sex started to slip and try to generate a solution plan. Maybe your partner started to become selfish in bed, maybe you became complacent, maybe you both have a lot of other stuff on your plate. Regardless of what it is, you need to figure it out before you attempt to remedy the situation. In cliché terms – admitting you have a problem is the first step to finding a solution.


People who masturbate regularly report, according to sexual health research, more likely to have better sex. They know their own bodies better and are better able to control sex so that they derive pleasure from it. If your partner and you have not discussed masturbation, or you typically do not masturbate for any reason, think about it, it could drastically improve your sex life. Plus, porn might give you a better idea of what piques your sexual interests and what doesn’t. Maybe you’re craving vanilla sex and you didn’t realize it until you saw someone else doing it, maybe you want a threesome, who knows, but it’s worth a shot. And you’ll be getting off, win/win.

Explore Your Options

This is two-fold. Look for new activities for your partner and you to try (as stated above, porn is a good option), but also reading articles, doing research, reading erotic novels and posts, and talking to people. There are all great options of ways to discover more sexuality.

There is also the potential that your partner and you might not be a great match long-term. You may love them greatly now and appreciate them dearly, but if they are unable to meet your sexual needs, they may not be a great match for you. Sex is important in a relationship. While it need not be the foundation, and some relationships are able to thrive without it, if you’re noticing a change and missing what you had, it is probably something that is important to you and you shouldn’t comprise your needs for your partner. Keep that in mind, you need to remember that your needs should be one of your top priorities because if your needs are not getting met, then you are not able to meet other people’s needs.