for the Submissive Guide Newsletter 2/7/15
I have heard it a thousand times, someone doesn't like pain so they are not interested in BDSM. In practically every case the person making that statement retracts it once they find out how erotic some pain can be. Pain doesn't have to be painful, and other stimuli can be pleasurable and can either mask pain or enhance it. Yes, there are people who also do not participate in any SM related play activities, but this article is not about them. This is about people who don't really know how pain can be pleasurable and how I can show you how that pain is indeed something erotic when used correctly and in the right situations.
I'm going to paint you a picture. Before I do so I'm going to make a few assumptions about you and your sexual background. First, I assume that you are sexually active and have, or have had, a steady partner. Second, I assume that you have been active long enough that you have experienced many of the different lovemaking positions available to you.
I am going to assume that while making love with your partner, at one time or other, you have been on top with your partner laying on his back. While on top, your partner has had full access to your breasts and has taken full advantage of that position.
Let's assume that at some point in time you have leaned forward just a little bit so that your lover could take your nipples into his mouth. He nibbles them and you both are getting closer to orgasm. The closer you get, the more excited he becomes and the more aggressively he nibbles. You feel little twinges of pain mixed with the good feeling of his nibbles. Not enough pain to kill your erotic feeling but enough to add that extra bit of stimulation that brings you closer to climax. He is getting closer, you are getting closer, the nibbling intensifies and in moments you find yourself
Just before you reach that magic moment, I want for you to stop and remove yourself from that situation. Place yourself, if you will, walking in your local shopping mall. If someone were to walk up to you at that very minute and squeeze your nipple with the exact amount of pressure that you were receiving with your lover, you would scream out in pain without a doubt. However, back in bed, you were about to scream out for a much different and much more enjoyable reason.
Now I'm going to take a moment to talk about the two types of pain you just felt in this scenario. One was very erotic and enjoyable and the other was neither erotic nor pleasurable. Both were exactly the same but under different circumstances, they were received in totally opposite ways. So, which would you prefer; the erotic pain or the non-erotic pain? I'm pretty sure you'd choose the erotic pain every single time.
What is Happening?
If you've ever found yourself enjoying a scene similar to the one I described above then you have experienced, just briefly, the world of BDSM. Sure you only got a glimpse but it was not a terrible, torturous, degrading experience. It was something nice and pleasurable with your lover. Most people don't have a clear picture of what BDSM is all about and thus think that it is a dark and terror filled thing. The media helps to vilify BDSM but it doesn't have to be scary. It can be both loving and warm and very fulfilling for both partners.
BDSM is not all about intense pain and degradation, rather just enough erotic pain to enhance the orgasms and build the bond of trust and love between partners. Yes some people enjoy more intense sensation than others and yes you might encounter people that take a good beating. But if you think that's all that BDSM is about, then you're missing a huge world of pleasure that you could explore.
How can you learn to see the pleasure of pain? Well, start small for one. Like in the story above, use things that you already do during sex play and amp it up a touch. If you love having your partner nibble on your flesh, ask him to bite a little harder during heightened moments of passion. Add some ass spanking to your sex play (some guys do it by instinct). Playful spanking increases blood flow to the buttocks and genital region, which increases pleasure and sensation. Add a role-play element for extra impact. The point is to experiment and play with pain during sex play.
I suggest you take a look at the referenced links as there is a lot of really good information about sexual pain and pleasure and how they mix. Learning that some pain feels good to you can be shocking, but don't let that get to you. However you experience your sexuality is normal. You don't even have to call it BDSM if you don't want to. Most of the world doesn't. It's just hot rough sex. Embrace it!
Thoughts to Ponder
- What activities do you think you might enjoy that incorporate a bit of pain and pleasure mixed?
- What experiences do you have with pain and pleasure? Are you a novice or experienced player?
- I've read somewhere before that pain and pleasure are close together on the sensation spectrum. Do you agree?