Here's a scenario I get presented to me a lot in my email and pleas for help and advice: A submissive talks to a person identifying as Dominant online for a few hours, days or weeks. They have intimate talks, compatibility seems to be through the roof and the cyber sex and play, webcams or not are magical and perfect. Then like a ghost in the night the person disappears. They don't respond to emails and have left the submissive lust-struck, lost and questioning if it was normal and how much more they will have to endure to meet someone. Does it sound like someone you know?
It's common and I've seen my share of ghost Doms when I was using the internet as my only means of exploring BDSM. So first, don't beat yourself up over their disappearance. It has nothing to do with you and everything to do with who they are and their intentions.
I'm going to present a short list of reasons why this person fit so perfectly into your life and then vanished without a second glance. I use the identity of Dominant in these descriptions even if they won't really fit in many cases. Add "air quotes" when you feel the need. :D
The "I'm Just Horny" Dominant
The person is online looking for someone to satiate their horny desires. They want someone easy and compliant and probably just as horny as they are. They don't have to know a single thing about BDSM as long as they can talk you into thinking they are kinky and a Dominant with a lot of experience. They will act suave and smooth talking. They will do everything your fantasies have ever conjured because they've probably read the same stories.
Once they've got their rocks off they will disappear. You've served your purpose.
The "I Am an Experienced Mentor/Trainer, But Only Online" Dominant
This person likes to toot their own fake horn. They say they have years of experience training submissives and slaves and do all this training online or through text/phone. They will likely revel in listening to your thoughts and intimate details of your curiosity in submission. You'll get tasks to complete like searching the internet for information and even have a somewhat decent educational experience with them.
But then they say that part of the training involves playing on webcam with them or sending them pictures of you in compromising positions. They start asking for demonstrations of your submission and you may even have cyber sex with this person as part of "training".
And once you have told them all your dreams and hopes and questions, they will declare that they have nothing else to teach you and that they release you. Leaving you with even more questions than you started with.
The "I Like the Naive Submissive" Dominant
This Dominant will develop as much of a relationship with you as he can, just as long as you never question his control and authority. He prefers the naïve and compliant submissives that are excited by '50 Shades' fame and want to live as a slave.
He'll devise a relationship where you are under his thumb in everything - from sending him texts at every hour of the day, you'll have tasks, usually of a sexual nature to complete. He'll be there for you when you are feeling down, need to talk and genuinely need a friend.
As you learn more about yourself through this you'll gain a bit more control over your own impressions of D/s, power exchange and how you'd like to add to the relationship. This may include asking to have more say in some of the things you do. You could start questioning his actions, learn that the longer than normal absences aren't typical and even ask him to exert more control all the while being more available to you.
He'll start to feel like he's lost control and the absences may be longer and longer. He'll stop texting you often and may avoid you online. Once you are no longer the naïve, new submissive he has no use for you and moves on to another new, novice to entice with his power and control.
The "Now I'm Bored" Dominant
He's looking for a challenge. They like the bratty submissives, the ones that want to be forced to submit. They will tell any willing person that they can make you submissive and that they see a natural submission in you after just a few hours of conversation.
You'll jump through hoops, he'll push you to submit and you love every minute of it because you like being forced. You'll be snarky and bratty and push back. As long as you play his game he's a happy camper.
Then you get an itch to feel submission in a less forced way, maybe you even feel that you've grown and want to really submit. You start to do things without push back. You comply without complaint and while he praises you for finding your submission, he knows he's lost the fun.
Now he's bored with you. The challenge is over. He'll beg out - stating incompatibility or real life got in the way or something like that.
The "Don't Ever Meet Me" Dominant
You may recognize this Dominant only after a long while of any of the earlier Dominants. This person likes being Dominant online and that's it. Once you start talking about meeting them face to face they are suddenly full of excuses. From they "like to take it slow", or "you haven't earned it". Others will make plans to meet and then something always comes up or they stop talking to you altogether the day before, the day of and you never hear from them again.
Once you try to make it real it's lost all attraction for them.
The "Lying, Cheating, Wife in the Other Room" Dominant
There are a lot more of these than I care to think about. Some Dominants are looking for a bit of fun online because the spark in their marriage has fizzled out and they don't or can't repair it. So they go online and explore sex and kinky play with someone who will never find out that they are really married. This person will likely say they are single. They will only be online at predictable times, may log off suddenly without a farewell and usually won't share much about who they are to you.
Once you start questioning if they are being truthful or why they don't give you the same intimate details as you do they'll back away, afraid to get caught in their lie. Or worse, you'll find out they are married and tell their wife.
Disappearing without a trace.
Please understand that your failure of relationships with these Dominants isn't your fault. You aren't gullible or only worth being walked on. Your emotions are real and you can be upset by the failure of this kind of relationship. For a time it was very real for you. Unfortunately, it likely wasn't that real for them. They played you. Online is a feasting ground for all sorts of people, and honesty isn't something that you can see through the computer screen.
Stand up, dust yourself off and try again.
What other "Online Dominants" Can you think of? Share it in the comments!