I've not experienced a D/s breakup and I hope I will never have to, but I have experienced heartache and divorce so I'm drawing my experience of those to write this post. I do hope that it will help those of you going through the painful time from the realization of the end and through your recovery.
The breakup of a relationship is a difficult time for those involved. It is fraught with emotion and frustration. It makes it even more painful when the lines of trust are cemented like those in a D/s relationship. Likened to going through a period of grief you are sure to experience an array of feelings that can vary from fear, anger, rage, and denial. Everyone goes through these stages at different rates and I can't say if or when you'll ever get over a particularly powerful relationship or an explosive ending.
What I do know is that there are five steps you can do to help ease you through this hard time and come out the other side with new hope, treasured memories and valuable experience. Let me walk you through each of these and we'll see if it doesn't work a little magic on your torn heart.
1. Accept that your relationship is over.
Clinging to the possibility that you will get back together will only create a pain you can't repair. Even if you do get back together with an old flame, this would be a new relationship and you can never start up right where you left off. New relationships, former Dominants or not, are always new.
If you have broken amicably then you still need a time where you don't speak to, hang out with or spend any thoughts on your past partner. This will not only help you sever thoughts of partnership and control but will aide your future friendship with them. Please keep your fingers off the text messages, phone calls and emails as well! Take a break from them for awhile.
Once you can accept that your current relationship is over you can start to recover.
2. Make a plan for each day.
It's alright to have days to spend laying about in your comfy pajamas and eating pints of ice cream, but at some point, you need to continue with your life. Step by step, day by day you can make a plan to get your everyday things done while you reconcile your relationship's end.
Getting your errands done and keeping some semblance of order will make you feel good. Even if you only plan an hour at a time you need to carry on little steps at a time.
3. Love yourself.
Take care of yourself. Get a haircut, manicure, go to a movie you've wanted to see. Do things that will make you feel good about being you. Treat yourself to something special. Also, make a time to reflect on your past relationship and what you've learned, how you've grown and what memories you want to remember. Everything you experience shapes you and this is a good time to learn what has been good for you and what you should change.
4. Accept help.
Your friends are there for your support. Let them in. You don't have to do this alone. I'm sure your friends have had lost loves and broken relationships and they can help you through your troubled time and come out the other end lightened in weight and with less grief. Allow them to help you with anything they want while you are recovering from the loss.
Your family can also be a valuable asset. They love you and want to help you cheer up. It may seem annoying at first but trust me, it's well worth hearing Aunt Margie tell you of all the cute guys at her office building that would be 'perfect' for you. They all mean well, take their advice and do what you will with it.
5. Let go.
Lastly, but not any less important is to let go. Go through those old pictures and trinkets you've saved that remind you of your relationship. Get rid of them. Even if at first it's just in a box in the closet, get them out of your view. Out of sight, out of mind really does work. You may not even know that some things are triggering your thoughts. Stand at the door of every room and scan everything in the room. If you walk past something that tugs at your heart-strings weeks later, remove it. This includes not listening to music or watching movies that may have triggers to you. Once you can separate the emotions from the object you can bring it back. For me, I had to finally throw out the entire box of items. It took me 4 years.
When you are ready you can start to consider dating, but don't do it if you are still working through these five steps. Trying to date or play too early means you aren't fully engaged in what's going on and can be a waste of time for that new person. Just tell them you aren't ready to date yet. If they respect you they will wait. And if they won't, well, it's their loss.
You are worth it. Take care of yourself. Let your heart ache, but repair it too. Learn from the experience. It's never easy, but I hope that I've helped you see the end of the dark tunnel.
Thoughts to Ponder
- How do you handle breakups?
- How long do you typically go between relationships? What do you do with the time you have in between relationships?
- Have you ever gotten back together with your ex? Did it work? Why or why not?