Today's guest post is by dina from Kajiradreams. She's donated a few posts for this week on Gorean Living so watch for them in the coming days!
My Master gave me the task of writing down my thoughts on what it means to be an owned kajira. I can only ever write this from my own feelings and own perspective, and to be honest it has taken a lot of thinking about. Most of my thinking though has been centered around making all the incoherent, disjointed thoughts make sense and I am still unsure if it makes any sense to anyone bar me!
I am stuck at the end of it though with one word. Just one simple word which to me sums up everything it means to me to be an owned kajira.Peace.
Now, I know my Master will not accept from me one word as the totality of my thoughts *smiles* so I know I am going to have to write more, to give Him the inner workings of my mind and feelings so he can dissect them at his leisure; stored away for future use as He sees fit…. (me, cynical?…. Noooooo!) Ah well, my thoughts are not my own anyway, they belong to my Assassin – just like every single part of me.
But that is part of what it means to be owned isn’t it?
To be owned as kajira means:
- I have not just submitted myself to another, I have willingly and freely surrendered my totality to my Master.
= to present for the approval, consideration, or decision of another or others.”
= The act of surrendering; the act of yielding, or resigning one's person, or the possession of something, into the power of another; as, the surrender of a castle to an enemy; the surrender of a right.”
Please note the difference in words. By submitting to my Master I put myself before him for consideration or approval... I have free choice
whether to accept that decision or not. I choose whether to accept his authority over me. However, owned kajira not only submit, they must also surrender,
I am not only deeply compelled within myself to surrender, but demanded to by my master – and I have no doubts that my Master will hold me to ever single letter of that word. Owned kajira willingly and freely gave up all choice and decisions by accepting their Master. my Masters’ word is final and absolute. (and I think I may have just frightened myself a little here…)
- Owned kajira have no rights, I have no rights. I have only privileges, granted or removed as my Master deems appropriate.
As human beings we have grown up with basic concepts of our own rights. We have a basic human right of free choice, a right to decide what we want, a right to act without asking permission, a right to choose a career, what to wear, who to talk to, a right to be our own person
. kajirae feel the need within themselves to give up those rights… whether they initially realize that need or not. As an owned kajira, I freely gave those rights up. Yes, it is an interesting process to relearn what we have been taught from birth and it is not without a few stark realizations along the way. A simple privilege for me is that my Master gives me the right to blog, but I know that right could be taken away from me without any explanation whatsoever, regardless of my feelings. For me, writing is part of me, part of who I am, it gives clarity to my thoughts, allows me to get them out of my head and be able to look at them objectively. It is an integral part of me, but if my Master decided he did not want me to, then so be it... I am owned, I gave up choice remember.
- I belong, wholly, to Him. Mind, Body, Soul, Heart.
I am laughing now, I want to just put here refer to the first point! I can’t do that though can I? As kajirae we have a need, a calling within us to submit to another. Master recognizes within me things I know I don’t, but that does not mean to say they are not there, just that I have not acknowledged their presence yet. Whether the word we use is submissive, kajira, bottom… once we recognize we have that need it is pretty hard to ignore, it’s as if we have finally recognized the gaping void that signifies we are not complete. For an owned kajira though, it becomes more than just a ‘play’ session or scratching an itch. It is a deep-seated need to belong to that person in our entirety 24/7. A Master may claim your body first, with minimal work maybe part of your heart – but He is not satisfied with that. my Master is not satisfied with that. my Master has without question demanded and claimed the whole of my heart, my thoughts, which now center around him and my spirit, which cries out to be with him. With him, I feel whole and complete and I can only be
complete with him as my Master. By belonging to my Master in ALL ways, he has every right to use me, train me, mold and shape me into whatever he desires: and now I am left with my only desire being to serve him, to please him. Don’t think I have forgotten though that if I don’t please him, he has every right to punish me in any and every way he sees fit. He also has every right to cause me pain for the sheer hell of it – because it pleases him.
- I live to serve Him. To please him.
Yeah yeah, vanilla
reading this will think wtf?! I think the majority of subs and maybe even unowned kajirae would be thinking why would anyone be so sad as to have one person as the center of their life, their existence? Sorry, but I honestly feel this is something very internal and personal within an owned kajira. Only with my Master and being owned can I be complete, but I cannot be kajira or owned without giving my Master my all. The only thing left within me then becomes the desire to serve and to remain owned. I cannot now comprehend life without my Master, life as unowned or free. I am in no way shape or form, free.
This just follows on from the last one. It does not matter how much I do not wish to do something, or how much I try to fight against it, in the end, it all boils down to the same thing. my Master is my whole world and no matter how much it hurts me to say it, I would do anything he asked of me. That I must say hurts for one reason only and I am not prepared to write that reason here.
- Trusting my Master, totally without condition or question.
A good Master who is true to himself would not think of collaring a submissive unless he was prepared to take on the inherent responsibility that implies. all submissives whatever their level of submission gives trust to their Master or Dom, it is part of the deal. For owned kajirae, for me… it goes far far beyond that basic conditional trust of “you have my trust but/until…” my Master owns me, for me to surrender myself to him completely as he demands, I have no choice but to have a trust in him that has no boundaries or conditions. I trust my Master to push me to my limits, to explore my limits, to know how far to push before stepping back and allowing me to come to terms with that new realization that yet another thing has changed.
- I must be true to what I am.
I am what I am, period. We all to varying degrees instinctively hide our true selves from others, whether that be thoughts, feelings, desires, needs. I as an owned kajira cannot hide, I must be true to what I am for my Master. That means dropping all that facade, the barriers that naturally come to mind when we feel the need to protect ourselves. I am in no position to protect myself, I am kajira. It is not my place to. It is not my place to hide my emotions or tame them unless my Master wishes. It is
my place to be the loving, clumsy, sensual, bolshy, caring, frightened, strong, impatient, intelligent, emotional, imaginative, feral (yeah, i know)
person that I am.
…Which all brings me back to that one simple word… PEACE.
I can try to fight all I want who I am inside, but in the end, I will not win because I am what I am. I can try to fight my feelings, but love is not to be fought against, only fought for. I cannot win a fight to not
love someone. Being an owned kajira to me means one thing, being at peace with myself. Actually accepting who I am – and being lucky enough to find in my Assassin, my Love Master and completion.
Last night something happened. Me in my panic desperately thought of ways to try and resolve or excuse what could be an issue which would bring about a seriously major change. I even took a picture of what I had decided to do and sent it to my Master. Thing is after I sent the email I just closed the computer down. I could not do what I had blindly resolved. The reason why I could not go through with my half baked plan?
I am kajira….HIS kajira.
I trust him without question.
I love him.
I have surrendered my body, mind, spirit and heart into his hands, his care.
I must be true to what I am.
I could not do it because it would not have been what my Master wanted. So, no matter what comes of it, I will face it honestly and front on. I cannot do anything else because at the end of the day, I am my Master’s kajira and I belong at the feet of my Assassin. If that means dealing with an issue quicker than I thought then so be it.dina writes in her blog at kajiradreams. Watch for her other guest posts coming up on this site!
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