A few months ago, there was a thread started on Fetlife about ethical BDSM and it really caught my attention so I had to check it out. At this time there were only a handful of comments and every one of these comments had said something pertaining to the dominant being responsible for the relationship being an ethical one and this got the wheels turning in my head and it was one of those things I just couldn’t quite let go of.

I don’t have any statistics on this and I don’t know if there are even any kind of statistics on this out there, but usually when people start talking about abusive and manipulative partners in the lifestyle, it’s always the dominants that are being talked about. Yes, there are a lot of dominants out there who are abusive and manipulative. I’m not going to deny that. I unfortunately have been involved with some of those dominants. But, dominants aren’t the only people in the lifestyle who can be abusive or manipulative.

That’s right. Submissives and slaves can be just as abusive and manipulative as dominants can be. But unfortunately, that’s something that a lot of people don’t talk about. I have heard some horror stories about things that s-types have done to their owners to get what they wanted. While they may not be physically abusive towards their dominants, they can be verbally and mentally abusive and tell lies or trick their dominants into believing something that isn’t true. Not to mention how they can blow things out of proportion to others, making their relationship sound worse than what it really is. These are things that can be easily overlooked, because as we’ve all experienced at some point in our lives, it’s not always quite easy to spot manipulative individuals.

I can’t tell you the reason why most people in the lifestyle tend to talk more about the dangers of abusive dominants than the dangers of abusive s-types. I think maybe most people think of s-types being more vulnerable and prone to fall into the hands of an abusive individual and think that dominants, whether male or female, aren’t vulnerable people. Think about it, what words come to mind when you think of someone being dominant? I’m pretty sure that vulnerable isn’t one of those words. Plus, there is a long standing record, and not just in the lifestyle of those in power abusing said power.

The point I’m trying to make is that not just one individual can be responsible for making a relationship ethical. No matter what side of the slash you fall on, it’s up to all parties involved to be open and honest with each other, along with treating each other with respect and everything that goes along with that. One can not put the responsibility of having an ethical relationship on the shoulders of just one person. If you do, in my opinion, you’re giving yourself permission to act out in unethical ways. Remember, just as it takes two to tango, it takes two to have a relationship.