Dear Submissive Guide,

How do I find a Dom? I know I want to be a sub, but I'm lost. I don't know how to find a Dom and live the way I want to.

Sincerely, Looking for a Dom

Hey there! You’ve asked a question that every single submissive asks themselves at some point: Where do I find a Dominant partner so I can be the submissive I want to be?

The answer is simple, and it’s not, so stick with me here.

The first step in finding a Dominant is going where they are. The good news is that kinksters are everywhere. Unfortunately, we don’t walk around with a sign over our head that says, “Single Kinkster Looking for Love.”

You’ve got more options than you realize for finding a Dominant:

  • If you use Facebook, search for kinkster groups and join (or request to join) them.
  • If you’re on Twitter or Instagram, start following hashtags like #BDSM, #Dominant, or #submissive. This isn’t foolproof, but it’ll give you a place to start.
  • Join Fetlife, if you’re not already there, and participate in forums and groups.
  • Use Fetlife (or good old Google) to find your local munch and attend a few. This is by far the hardest for most people to do, but I think it’s the most effective because you can see the person you’re talking to, and you know they’re local.
  • Tumblr has a thriving BDSM community if you’re already using it to look at erotic and BDSM images.

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The hardest part, especially for submissives, is putting yourself out there and talking to people. Plenty of submissives, and I include myself in this, are worried about being rude or offending a Dominant. In my experience, the best kind of Dominants doesn’t worry about protocol (like calling them “Sir” or “Ma’am” before you get to know them) when you first meet. They want to become friends first and get to know you as much as you want to get to know them. Suppose you come across one who makes demands and has expectations before you’ve discussed doing anything kinky or working towards a D/s relationship, run the other way. You’re dealing with an asshole. Don’t worry too much about seeming “forward” or “rude” if you approach a Dominant online or at a munch. Plenty of Dominants like it when you show initiative.

While you don’t have to be subservient to a Dominant when you first meet, I always recommend being polite. You’ll make an excellent first impression that way. Always be yourself - don’t pretend to be who you think a Dominant wants you to be. You’re trying to find someone compatible with you - starting out with lies or being fake will only end badly.

Realize that the first Dominant you meet and enter into a relationship with might not be your forever Dominant. You may realize you have different needs or goals in life. Your kinks may be too mismatched to overcome. Or you may simply realize this person is nice but not someone you want to be with forever. Whatever you do, don’t overlook bad behavior, lying, cheating, violating your consent, or refusing to communicate. These are all red flags of problems in the relationship and in your power exchange. And when you do enter your first D/s relationship, make sure to spend a lot of time talking about what you want and need in a relationship first. This is probably the most important step in the whole process to live the life you want as a submissive. Negotiation and communication don’t end once your relationship begins.

Good luck, and don’t get discouraged. If you’re willing to work for it, you can have a good, solid kinky relationship.