I have a very important question that I need your opinion on. I have been to your web page many times and appreciate your writing and knowledge. I recently found out that my husband of many years had been having a BDSM relationship outside of our marriage, secretly. We had been talking about BDSM ourselves and I had expressed much interest in being his sub/slave. That never really went anywhere much. Now, he wants to involve me with his sub, as a triad. What are your thoughts?

Hi there,

I think, to put it bluntly, that he's been caught and wants to do whatever he can to keep both of you and make you agree to add her to the relationship if you get the BDSM you've wanted. He's done a really bad thing in my opinion by having an affair, to begin with, but then to try and make you accept it by offering you the BDSM you want in exchange for having his girlfriend involved.  Now I know you said you've been in this marriage for a long time, but so much of me says to not forgive this behavior and definitely not accept it. You both probably need to go to counseling at least because I'm sure you have feelings that need to be worked out due to the cheating.

Now, if you forgive him and you are really ready to try BDSM, I still suggest not diving into a poly relationship with his affair in your first endeavor. BDSM requires trust in your partner, can you honestly say you have that with your husband right now?