Hi SG,

I'm relatively experienced when it comes to submission. I've submitted in play to a number of delightful Dommes and pushed my boundaries nicely over the years.  I've never had a long term D's relationship, though.

I'm just entering into a relationship with a lady who is highly sexed and thoroughly enjoying the power. I find myself wanting her to get deeper and deeper into my mind and increase my 'need' for her and the control she has over me. She's new to BDSM. Can you advise how she might achieve this?

Ready to Go Deeper

Dear Ready to Go Deeper,

Congratulations on the new relationship! It sounds like you have a good idea of what you want and need, which is always important when it comes to having a fulfilling relationship.

Because she’s new to BDSM, one of the main things she needs to do is learn more about the lifestyle. There are as many ways to have a power exchange relationship as there are people in the lifestyle because of this, it’s good to have an idea about what her options are - and there are plenty.

If she hasn't already found them, point her to online resources like Dominant Guide (the “brother” site to Submissive Guide) and the different groups on Fetlife. This will give her online resources to read other Dominants’ experiences and ask questions.

It’s always a good idea to get involved in the local kink community. Go to a munch together and get to know other kinksters. Many local groups offer classes, sessions, and meet-ups specifically for Dominants or submissives so that you can learn from each other.

Reading, asking questions, and talking to people is a great way to learn about BDSM and kink, in general. However, your specific question was about how she can increase your “need” for her. Have you told her this is what you want? That’s the first step.

Because you have the most experience between the two of you, it’s okay to share what you know with her. You won’t be topping from the bottom as long as you’re respectful. Think of it as another way to serve her by sharing your knowledge.

You can tell her what you’ve done, what you’ve read, what you’ve heard about others doing, and let her know these things excite you and (may) fulfill your needs. As your Dominant, she will do what she wants with the information - many of them tend to file it away and pull it out when you’re least expecting it which is often a nice surprise.

Once you tell her what you want and need and even give her examples of what you mean by that, it will be up to her to learn more, do some thinking, ask other Dominants, and find out more information about how she can achieve this for you.

As with all things BDSM and D/s, it starts with communication. And if you don’t already have one, create a set time each day or week or while you’re together to talk about these things. This is something all D/s partnerships should do, but it’s especially important when you first get together. It’s a check-in to make sure there are no problems or concerns and to discuss your wants and needs. Doing this will help you both have a more fulfilling power exchange and give you space to communicate more freely about your desires.