Mentoring, self-help and submissive exploration

Ted_subby is a 49 year old submissive to his monogamous dominant wife of over a dozen years. On his male submission web page at he posts fictional stories as well as a blog of his experiences with his dominant wife. Feel free to message him on FetLife or e-mail.

13 responses to “Male Submission – Fantasy vs Reality”

  1. bonimiss

    Another fascinating account of male submission @ted_subby. You explain your viewpoint very well.

  2. Jul 23, 2013 – A public beating | BDSM Ted_subby
  3. Cautious

    Sorry not sure if my msg was sent earlier my phone went off

    Hey I read your article and I have a question – I met a guy online and we started talking about bdsm but for some reason he stopped chatting to me online that was 6 months ago. I got a MSG from him yesterday saying he changed his phone and somehow my number got missing – he said if I was still interested he was an available sub – I told him I wasn’t experienced he said it was ok he has done all that can be done and his willing to eat my poop – that literally turned me off I mean my idea of a sub was spanking teasing strap on etc not extreme like pooing in his mouth shaving his hair slicing him with blade. I’m scared to send any replies to his messages – do you think I’m been too cautious

  4. lunaKM

    No, you don’t know him, he wants to do kinky things you have no interest in and he disappears only to reappear 6 months later. I’d say he’s a flake and you should find someone else. There are far too many red flags in this short comment alone for me to give that guy a time of day.

  5. ted_subby

    @Cautious: I agree with lunaKM, he does not seem like a good fit for you. I recommend sending him a reply that you are not interested.

  6. Mike

    I was really intrigued about by this article especially because I am new to this. I was just wondering if you would be able to give a place to start with. I don’t think what I want to do is to extreme just pegging, and spanking and just stuff like that.

  7. ted_subby

    Hi Mike,

    I recommend learning about the reality of what you might want. We can fantasize to the umpteenth detail but in some cases the reality simply can’t match the fantasy.

    In my view a good way to learn is to login to and find discussion groups which are appropriate for what you want. Examples are Novices & Newbies or Submissive Men and Women Who Love Them (uncensored). Find threads which deal with topics you like and take a look at the comments in those threads, as well as the sticky threads at the top of those groups. And feel free to post a comment in a thread there. FetLife is not a dating site but in my view it Is a good site to meet people, for friendship or more.

    I would also think about your expectations. It is very unlikely that you would log on to any site and quickly find a partner for what you are looking for. It takes time to know the reality of what you are looking for and to find a compatible partner.

    Another issue for male submissives (and I can’t speak on this regarding female submissives) is that it is not common to find a dominant woman who just wants to play casually without any sort of relationship. Often a dominant woman will want to get to know a potential submissive before engaging in any BDSM-related activity. I mention this because it is common for submissive guys to get frustrated in not finding a partner right away for casual play.

  8. dave

    I read your article and quiet clear enough, but what I have ran into it doesn’t matter how many times you ask questions to try to get a straight answer from this one completely non professional dome. She didn’t tell the truth to get things paid for for herself. I have never seen such a dishonest person in my entire life. I could ask a question to try to get the correct answer and the outcome depending on the area the question is relating to her response was “I ask all the questions ” If I would have been told the correct answers to my questions before and during the relationship I or we could have dissolved the relationship “normally”. She was owned by so many personality disorders that proper communication was not possible. Every human being has wants and needs, She has admitted to someone else that she also has sadistic personality disorder which now explains how she treats people. This was one woman that I tried to gain a friend in her ,but the only way it was possible I had to be either a permanent doormat for her to walk all over me . Or just a machine to put money in me whenever she wanted something from me. The only way anyone mattered to her at all was what you could do for her and what you had. I have talked to some other men who have gone through the same situation with her as me and they all went through the same experience as me. The only one who mattered was her . When you caught on to her relentless manipulations half truths and lie telling to get her way and emotionally swindle money from you I figures out that in a nutshell that’s what floated her boat so to speak. The more she could get over on you emotionally the more alive she felt. She cannot sustain any relationship because of it and if anyone can put up with that Im sorry you have to be a complete idiot to love that kind of abuse. When she finds out you have caught on to her ways that’s when her real fun begins I asked for the as she called it BIG DISCUSSION OR BIG TALK ,she made an excuse not to have it for three months for something else going on that she needed a day to talk. Well I gave her that much and leading up to the time period she kept treating me worse and we never had our discussion No closure to the relationship!!!!!! This woman is nothing but a sociopath plain and simple. It has made me look at this whole bdsm thing and relationships in general totally different now. I used to be an open giving generous person even to a stranger in need but this has changed me and the way I think now, I blame myself for expecting her to be honest with me, but I realize now to get what she wanted from everyone involved she had to tell lies to everyone and hide everyone from each other. Histrionic personality disorder Narcissistic personality disorder and her admitted Sadistic personality disorder owns her and is in control of everything she does to people. Sadly to say I still feel sorry for her, but there isn’t any help for her or ones like her.

  9. Mike woodard

    I personennely think there are a lot of people looking for a partner who are fetishist who have a few particular acts that they are interested in that call themselves submisives. Once the particular act seeked is found interest decreases or goes away for a period of time.

  10. Ted

    Mike Woodard: Yes I agree, there are many who identify as submissive which to them means wanting to submit to a particular act. I think it’s important when trying to find a partner to be open about what is being looked for, whether that’s a single act, a long term relationship, or whatever it is. Unfortunately, I think that there are some who are not open about the limits of what they are looking for.

    Dave: I am sorry that I did not see your response until now. It seems that you have found that there are some who are really very dishonest and/or have other issues, and it’s up to us to identify what we are looking for. Most everyone prefers or even requires honesty in a partner, and once dishonesty is identified it can be very difficult to trust that person again. And that is regardless of dominance, submission, or anything else.

  11. Scared.

    I’m only 28, never really been into this kind of thing, but I like the idea of someone dominating me.
    I’ve talked to a few friends and they say this new desire to become submissive is because of a sexual assault that happened in my teen years.
    That incident scared me, does that mean I want somebody to rape me when I saw I like being dominated?

  12. lunaKM

    No. Consensual D/s play is about surrendering control, not having your control removed from you. Most people will say that you feel more in control because you have so much open communication and trust with your partner that the fear and loss of control doesn’t happen.

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