On the heels of a fantastic three-post series on this very subject I’ve been receiving requests for advice and help on how to introduce BDSM to your partner, so I’m going to talk about the key points I think will help any partner open up about BDSM with their mate.
It is a scary proposition to approach your partner who may be oblivious to your new desires about wanting to add a bit or a lot of kink to your relationship. I know that when I did the same thing to my ex husband he about freaked! Okay so honestly the exploration we had done so far was somewhat kinky – after all we had blindfolds and cuffs and sex toys of all sorts and we liked to roleplay. But when I asked him to spank me he looked like I had just grown a third eye. Yeah, that didn’t work well.
What I can say is that after I did a bit of research, armed myself with information and sat him down to talk to him outside of the bedroom he listened receptively. He asked questions, read some of the material and then we talked about it later. He was willing to try it but only once to see if he had a desire to do it. He told me he just couldn’t continue if it was something that did nothing for him – even if it does for me.
I agreed and we tried once. It wasn’t exactly intense, but it did give me a taste. That taste was all I needed to know that I had to have more kink.
Unfortunately, that spelled the end of our marriage as the final nail in the coffin. It doesn’t have to be that way for your relationship, trust me there was more going wrong than I’ve shared here that would have ended it anyway.
So what can we learn from my little story about how to introduce BDSM to a partner?
- Come prepared to answer questions. Your loved one will likely have them. The ones that I got asked were related to how I figured out I wanted this new activity, what it might mean to our sex life, if it was safe and how it is done.
- You’ll want to make sure you know about the activity you want to add. If you stare at them just as dumb-faced as they are with you then the proposition won’t go anywhere. You need to be confident and eager and engaging.
- Don’t bombard your partner with all sorts of fantasies and ideas all at once. Add to your desires at the pace that they can handle. It’s fantastic that you love to masturbate wearing heels inside a giant balloon while singing “I’m Henry the Eighth.” They definitely will need time to work up to it in stages.
- Understand that your partner might hesitate. A lot of what BDSM has to offer holds taboos; personal or social. Your partner will have to resolve those to continue.
- This goes with the previous one; give them time to process the new information. Don’t push them right away to try it. Let them think about it. And don’t make them give you an answer straight away either.
My name is lunaKM and I’m a full-time stay-at-home submissive in a D/s relationship.
I started blogging when I was exploring D/s online in 2003. I needed advice, mentors and helping hands. Since then I've made it my mission to help novice submissives understand themselves and the services they wish to provide. 
Luna,
This is a very good post which I think will be helpful for anyone in this situation. You give very down-to-earth reality-based advice. This issue is probably even more prevalent now with 50 Shades and more new people in general exploring their kink.
One thing I will add to the list of concerns that a spouse may have, and what I found with my wife, is the question something like “Will you be going outside of our relationship to do this with someone else?” My wife didn’t just ask this right out but I could tell from her facial expression that it was the first thing which came to her mind, ahead of even any details of my desires. This was surprising to me because I wouldn’t want to risk damage to our marriage for anything, not BDSM, not 10 million dollars, nothing, and she knows that … but it was, I think, still her first thought.
Fortunately, I was ready to address her unspoken concern and tell her that I wanted to discuss only participating with her and I did not even consider or would want anyone else. That was and is the truth. Someone might ask, though, “What if your wife didn’t want to have anything to do with BDSM? What then?” I don’t know the answer to this, possibly we would have discussed allowing me to play with others but I wouldn’t want that so that is very hypothetical. I am very lucky that I am not in that situation. I think a big part of why I am not in that situation is that my wife and I have a great marriage, and she does not reject my desires out of hand in the same way that I too want to fulfill her desires. As it turns out, as my wife has been dominating me she is enjoying it and she particularly enjoys the benefits she gets (including a slave to order around the house such as chores, a sex slave, and most importantly a happier hubby).
I will mention another dynamic which is a possibility, one which a married couple FetLife friends of mine have (though it wouldn’t work for me). A sub’s wife dominates him in the bedroom because he enjoys it (her enjoyment is from giving him that pleasure), and at other times he will do something she very much enjoys. Not really a tit-for-tat in their case, just doing what each other enjoys.
You pointed it out in good detail, though. It can be scary to talk with your partner about this, you just never know how they will react. But at least by getting your ducks in a row about what you might enjoy and anticipating questions your partner may have, that is a good way to be prepared for the discussion.
-Bluebonnet1’s Ted
Ted_subby on Submissive Guide and FetLife (feel free to message me)
[...] 3. [Video Post] Introducing BDSM to Your Partner | Submissive Guide [...]
I actually want to introduce this to my boyfriend, but there is a barrier. I have never officially DONE any “actual” BDSM things outside of handcuffs and light spanking, but have found that I love being submissive to him. He also has expressed recently that he gets off better when I beg for it, so i feel as though the potential may be there for it. I am unsure of how to proceed :/
Sue1987, there are several links on this website including the ones in the video post about how to proceed. I hope you’ll read them. I especially recommend ted_subby’s 3 part series on how to talk about BDSM with a partner.
Sue1987:
Your husband reacting well to when you beg is a great beginning, and while handcuffs and light spanking may not seem like all that much to you, it is a very good first step because it means that he does not have a negative reaction to the idea of your submission.
I think that if you communicate with him your desires — not just spilling out your entire list of wants in one discussion (choose to discuss something relatively mild at first), remaining calm, and not when there are other stresses or distractions going on at the moment — the chances are that he will react favorably since he has already reacted favorably to what you have done.
Those of us who have had this discussion with our partner (such as myself) know how scary it can be but mutual love for each other is a very strong adhesive force and often can help a partner get over any initial apprehension, if there even is any apprehension.
thank you for the information on how to introduce, i know my husband has what it takes to be a Dom, but he doesn’t know how…. he went online and did some research after I voiced my needs for the lifestyle but according to what he was saying it seems he only found stuff about S&M not D/s (i’m a newbie, so to me there is a difference?) I’ve never actually been a submissive so i really don’t know either. I read another post about a book called the Loving Dominant – i’m wondering if that would be appropriate for him? Hopefully I can find it in an audio version? Any other suggestions?
Thank you!!
SM and D/s are not the same although they can mix if desired. The Loving Dominant is an excellent book and one that he (and you) will probably enjoy. I don’t think you can get it in an audio version though. Another suggestion would be for him to subscribe to Dominant Guide at http://www.dominantguide.com. It will cover all sorts of aspects of dominance.
Thank you!! I didn’t know about Dominantguide.com :) I did research and it is not available in audio but it is for kindle…. thanks again!
Newsub1125: That is a good question about S&M vs D/s. They are two very different things and although they are often linked, that does not have to be the case.
S&M is the infliction of pain for the purposes of enjoyment or fulfillment while D/s involves a sub giving authority to a Dominant. As examples, spanking is S&M (and may also be D/s) while being commanded to kneel is D/s. These are just my own views of the definitions and examples.
What is important is what you and your husband want and enjoy. For example, if you and your husband do not want the infliction of pain to be involved then looking into S&M is probably not going to be productive.
Have fun!
Thank you ted_subby for the further clarification! Our talk tonight didn’t go so well :( hopefully I can rectify…
@newsub1125: I am sorry it didn’t go well tonight. I hope things improve and the lines of communication are kept open.