Mentoring, self-help and submissive exploration

Ted_subby is a 49 year old submissive to his monogamous dominant wife of over a dozen years. On his male submission web page at he posts fictional stories as well as a blog of his experiences with his dominant wife. Feel free to message him on FetLife or e-mail.

27 responses to “Initiating a Discussion About BDSM Interest with a Vanilla Partner”

  1. Ted

    @fragilefrustration: I agree with lunaKM, as usual, communication is the key here.

    One thing I have read from many submissives is that they will top their dominants (such as administering a spanking as an example) when their dominant wants that, and even though a submissive may not enjoy it from a topping aspect they can get a sense of service satisfaction from it. But that does not apply to everyone, to each their own.

    As for your husband being more dominant, that is a good topic for a discussion with the understanding that he may or may not want that, and if he does not want that he may or may not go ahead with that because you want it. There are no right or wrong ways to proceed with how far out of a comfort or enjoyment zone to go to make a partner feel good, and what works for one person may not work for another. Through communication, and possibly over some time, hopefully you can both get to a point in which you both feel as fulfilled as possible.

  2. Kavana Ramaswamy

    I will keep this one on file for the future.

  3. Jayme

    I’ve talked to my husband the way you’ve mentioned on your article…we’ve been married for 8 years. The last few years I was able to get him out of the shell…and introduced some toys to our sex life…bit he is really hesitant about it. I discussed on how I wanted us to do more (D/s) that’s where it all stopped. I let him be and a few weeks later brought it up again…he asked me what and how so I had no choice but explaining myself…leaving out the stuff I know that would freak him out. He is a private person and shy…when I asked him tie me up and just play take over of my body and whatever his fantasy is to Carrie it out. Again he shut down. The other day after another couple of weeks…he asked me and I basically explained to him that it was important to me. He couldn’t understand that why after 8 years I never brought it up and I told him because he is a private man and shy. We sat again and talked…I said to start off with a safe word…of his choice. But that I needed him to be in total control of me..he askes for examples and I came up with minor ones that wouldnt scare him off…it’s been days now and he came up with a safe word…I smiled and I know it’s progress…he told me I have to teach him how to be dominant…I know I have to start slow…but what else can I do

  4. Ted

    @Jayme: It seems as though you are taking a very productive approach with a lot of necessary patience.

    Teaching a dominant how to be dominant may not seem like an ideal approach but whatever approach works for you both is in my view worth taking.

    I hope things continue to progress well for you both.

  5. the_spiral

    I guess my own kinks aren’t too “extreme” and we had good communication in our sex life already,* but I don’t know if “The Big Talk” approach works for every couple in every situation. I know if I’d sat my husband down for a serious “we need to talk”, framed BDSM as something that might scare him and sent him off to do internet research, it would’ve made him feel like he wasn’t satisfying me already and potentially created anxiety/shame around something that’s supposed to be fun for both of us.

    So I took a more indirect approach by introducing BDSM elements casually during foreplay. Nothing too heavy, but I’d just purr in his ear something like “I’ve been feeling extra naughty lately, and I had this fantasy about…” and describe what I wanted him to do to me. Or sometimes I’d just say “baby, could you hold me down/spank me/tell me what a bad girl I am” or whatever in the moment and then react VERY positively (moaning, screaming etc.) when he did it. He realized quickly that being submissive really turned me on, and after awhile it became a regular part of our sex life and he even introduced new activities like rope bondage himself. Most men get a huge ego boost from pleasing their partners in bed, so if you frame it as something fun and naughty and pleasurable (rather than “I haven’t been satisfied with our sex life so far and I won’t be until you do x, y and z”, which puts him on the defensive) I think that might go over better in some cases.

    *I don’t recommend the casual approach with more extreme practices like scat since the average person isn’t going to take “hey, can I poop on you real quick” casually in bed. But many people have been exposed to the more “mainstream” BDSM practices already and aren’t necessarily going to find them shocking unless you imply they *should* be shocked with an anxious and heavy-handed approach. That’s all I’m saying, I guess.

  6. the_spiral

    @ Jayme – I love your approach! It sounds like he suffered a bit of an ego blow when you first talked to him, since he felt it meant he hadn’t been making you happy in bed before. I think your kindness, patience and positive approach is paying off.

  7. Ted

    @the_spiral: That is a wonderful approach introducing it playfully as you did!

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