Mentoring, self-help and submissive exploration

lunaKM has been a full-time slave in an M/s relationship for over 10 years. She is the founder and editor of Submissive Guide. Learn more about her here and connect with her on, Twitter, Google+, FetLife.

20 responses to “The Truth About Orgasm Control and Denial”

  1. May

    When my slave and I started our newly-defined relationship, orgasm control was one of the natural outgrowths of that. Of course, our version of orgasm control is for him to ask permission before he orgasms (without ejaculating) and his ejaculation orgasms are limited to once or twice a week at most because his libido stays higher that way. These are restrictions he created for himself but which I am given the power to control.

  2. Dracosgirllilly

    wow!! Master is about both somtimes he denies me other times he wants me to cum as much as possible, it depends on his mood and wheather or not i have been a good girl.

  3. lunaKM

    That is definitely possible! The power is in the way your Master controls your orgasms. :)

  4. HyperionCantos

    I occasionally do a bit of denial, but I am much more into control, and have been training my slave to cum on command quite successfully. She is not allowed any orgasms without my permission, so during times we are apart, she sometimes suffers greatly. But it only makes her orgasms that much more intense and devastating when they are allowed once more, deepening her slavery as she depends on me to grant her those explosions of joy.

  5. jennifer

    My Master enjoys having the control. I am not allowed to cum without his permission. If we are together I must also beg and am often denied at least for a time. We are trying to work on cumming on command but as of yet I cannot do this:(

  6. Master Nathan

    I do both as well..She has multiple orgasms when i tease her and make her tease herslef and stay on edge for 2-4 days or more..She literally has not squirted yet but she is so close that her release are like a flood..I make her wear nothing to work under her clothes, no panties whatsoever unless it is that time of the month. She calls or texts me at certain times of the day and she is flowting in partial subspace sometimes with peasure and wanting to cum so bad but the control is there ansd she knows that she cannot. If i said one word to her even at work she would cum all over herself, so i keep her just teetering over the edge but not quite fallin over. It has been a learnig process for some time now and I am teaching her that I can make her cum on command if and when i choose and she loves it. It takes trust and prectice to have gotten this far but she is such a willing sub to the point of almost a slave, in fact she has slave tendencies and I am slowly exploring. Orgasm denial and control has been one priority that was initially entered into her training. Never have i had a sub who has such a willing and open mind to suggestion. It is a Master’s dream come true in a sub or slave.

  7. Grant

    This is a topic my girlfriend and I are very interested in. We’d like to have it so that she can make me aroused and hard with a trigger word. Then I would stay hard yet be unable to orgasm until she speaks another trigger word to make me orgasm. Anyone know of any good resources to help us learn to do this?

  8. Sub gowron

    I’m a virtual slave. I only communicate with my Mistress via Internet. From time to time, She’d to order me to come in different ways and send her the pictures and videos.
    One day, she told me not to come for a while so I’d accumulate my arousal for a special task she’d only reveal when the day came.
    After 3 weeks of deprivation, I was crazed with desire and couldn’t take the matter out of my mind. I’d wake up in the middle of the night with a huge hard-on and had trouble sleeping again.
    One memorable day, she gave me the task – but she also told me that, from that day on, my pleasure was not mine anymore to decide. That my seed was not to be wasted futilely on a whim, just because I felt like it. That, from then on, she’d decide when and how I’d come. And I’d have to send her the video of my each and every climax.
    The notion was so devastingly exciting I almost came on the spot. That night, I came as per instructions and thought I’d finally be able to sleep, but I didn’t feel relieved. The knowledge of my new status kept me in a feverish state for at least 2 weeks, even though I tried not to think about the matter. I have since come to cope with it, but it’s still a powerful notion. And I haven’t broken my promise yet.

  9. light

    My Lord and I play with all three aspects of this. I enjoy denial the most but still struggle with expressing that to my Lord. Anyways, my Lord particularly enjoys exploring the command type orgasm with me. We’ve discovered that He can cause me to come multiple times on top of one another and, in the same breath sometimes, order me to stop. It creates this wonderful build up of pleasure and the feeling of being on brink of multiple orgasms. He has also discovered He can make me orgasm with a hand gesture, something He’ll do when we’re out with friends since it is more subtle and discreet.

    From my experience, I really suggest repetition and practice. We work on a lot of reinforcement when we’re together (we’re long distance currently) and as much as possible over Skype. I feel that I succeed the most with the training if I frame it as a way of pleasing my Lord rather than being denied ‘the ultimate pleasure’. Pick a word, (we use ‘come’ since it’s the easiest and most direct) and start associating it with arousal/orgasming as much as possible. I suspect that the hand motion, for me, is because of my fascination with people’s hands and I love watching my Lord work with his hands. It just builds on that a little further.

  10. naha

    Thank you for sharing your experience and methods, light. That is so helpful to someone wanting to learn control and how to give it over to the loved one. I hope to see more of your comments.

  11. katIRL

    ehm… do you have any suggestions or reference on the website about Come on Command mentioned above?
    then i’d have another question, He likes it sometimes to deny me and see me unable to obbey no matter how hard i try, some other times He expects me to obbey… so… how does it work? How do i leave Him total control over it the way He wants?

  12. Pavlovian Orgasm | Joan Defers

    [...] theory appears to be based on Pavlov’s experiment. From Submissive Guide: An interesting training option for orgasm control is Come on Command training. It’s a form of [...]

  13. SassyBBWSubby

    I admit I’m a novice submissive with a lot of time spent on research, no practical experience. That said, this subject didn’t strike fear into my heart so much as a realization it is definitely a hard limit for me. Yes, you can try to tell me it’s a Dominant’s right, but what it boils down to is that this is a function of my body that only I can decide on. It would be like him telling me when I can go to the bathroom. I can bring myself off very well and very quickly. Men can’t. I rarely orgasm with them. The thought of being brought to that point only so he can stop it and me lose it altogether? Why bother? This subject I’ve read the most on, I think, simply because I am so dead-set against it. There has not been one compelling argument that has made me see otherwise.

  14. ShyVixen

    My Master has also been training me to come on demand for Him, for about three years now. It has been very intermittent though and we have only recently gone back to this type of training. I do struggle with it, it is really the only part of me and my body I want to keep for myself, I can force myself to cum for Him but I don’t get any pleasure from it, and I am almost embarrassed when He watches me. I can piss, shit, vomit, squirt, drool, everything else in front of Him without problem. Bodily functions etc do not phase me in the slightest. But like SassyBBWSubby, I feel that only I can decide whether I cum or not, and if I’m just not in the mood it doesn’t matter if my Master wants me to, or if He says my trigger phrase, I just can’t do it on demand. I can usually force myself to orgasm eventually just because I don’t want to be punished for failing (I have a time limit). I am not really into orgasm control/denial to be honest, I wish I was because it’s really important to Master. When He tells me to cum I don’t feel privileged or pleased, I just feel scared because I don’t want to fail and it’s really hard work.

  15. ShyVixen

    Hi lunakm, thanks for your reply. I do sometimes make very good progress with the training, and at one point could orgasm within two minutes, repeatedly. But that was quite a while ago and I think Master expects me to just be able to pick up where we left off with the training, even though I am out of practise. I do want to get over my anxieties, and I don’t want to spend the rest of my life not getting any pleasure from orgasms! I am well aware that my orgasms are for His pleasure though, which I agreed to when I became His, so yes, my submission does include my orgasms. This is the first serious BDSM relationship I’ve ever been in, and I think He does expect too much of me sometimes. He is aware of my worries, and although He is strict He is not cruel, so I think He does listen to me even if He doesn’t acknowledge it. I guess I just need to keep my mind open and always deeply submit to Him no matter what He is asking of me, and one day I really will be completely His.

  16. SassyBBWSubmissive

    Hi ShyVixen: I in no way want to sway anyone to my opinion. I read your comment and response with interest. I do agree with Luna that talking openly and honestly with your partner is the first, and best, step. I also think this bears looking at again: “I do want to get over my anxieties, and I don’t want to spend the rest of my life not getting any pleasure from orgasms! I am well aware that my orgasms are for His pleasure though, which I agreed to when I became His, so yes, my submission does include my orgasms.” Remember, a submissive still has choices; every day is a new day to choose to submit. But, it’s been three years now and you are anxious, fearful and not getting any pleasure from orgasms. That tells me that this area of submission might not be for you. Remember, limits can evolve over time; there might be things you said no to originally that now you want to try and there might be things you said yes to originally that now you know don’t work. Dominants care about their submissives, their happiness, their needs, their wants and any one worth his/her salt will listen to you and ensure you know that renegotiation is always an option when something is clearly not working. Good luck in this.

  17. ElmStation100+2^4

    Orgasm control isn’t a part of my relationship with my wife yet, but it’s going to be tomorrow night. Already told her she is allowed one orgasm tonight–hard on her in and of itself, as she hasn’t been held down and taken for over a week–but that if she has it (and she will), she must masturbate for at least five minutes after without cumming again. Commanding her masturbation tomorrow should be enjoyable…

  18. Richard James

    My 2 cents. Talk, and renegotiate what serves Both of you now. We evolve. Change. Grow.
    Even if the other is the master, you need to get your needs met too.
    Good luck..

  19. Bbwgalpresent

    I am a bbw virtual slave to my Master and when he denies me my orgasm I feel so turned on but when he wants me to cum I am afraid to do so , I don’t know why I can’t cum when my Master orders me to do so , but when he denies me my orgasms I am able to do so. Please suggest something to guide me a little

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