Mentoring, self-help and submissive exploration

Ted_subby is a 49 year old submissive to his monogamous dominant wife of over a dozen years. On his male submission web page at he posts fictional stories as well as a blog of his experiences with his dominant wife. Feel free to message him on FetLife or e-mail.

18 responses to “Male Submission – Selfishness”

  1. riccarda

    i really enjoyed reading this as i could see myself in the description of how a male submissive behaves and thinks at different points in my development as a submissive

    i started off very selfish and wondered even though i played why it never felt really complete and then the penny dropped

    i only found that being truly submissive, completely focusing on my Dominant brought that sense of fulfilment

    Its scary, not thinking about yourself trusting completely in your Dominant to look after you, like taking your feet off the bottom of the swimming pool for the first time, but wow is it worth it

  2. Jonathan Robbins

    I was intrigued by this article as the theme is explored extensively in my web series Clutch, which has a character who is a mob boss and has a dominatrix, but is certainly coming in from an entirely selfish interest. He also violates sacred elements of BDSM relationships as he uses them for his ill-intented purposes.
    I’d be curious to know what you think of the show… you can find it at my website link above.

  3. Laura

    Nice to read a post about selfish submales. It is frustrating to be in an ocean of male subs but each one bursts like a soap bubble as soon as you ask them to actually submit. It is very rare to find a man who understands what it means to submit, to be part of a D/s relationship versus just having a cardboard Domme to stand in and serve him. I often feel men would be happier with a blow up doll – and I would be happier if they had a blow up doll too. It is very dull to be with someone and wonder why you are there when they would be just as happy serving a blow up doll without a mind or opinions or needs.

  4. ian

    after reading this i am beginning to fear that i am a little on the selfish side. however i have tried (to my mind) everything i can to find out what my lady desires and i have not learned anything other than that she “really likes butt play”. so i keep going back to the small list of what i want. does anyone have advice on how i might learn more? i just want to please but i feel like i am failing in some crucial way.

  5. ted_subby

    ian, I believe that you have a very good approach towards it. We are all human and no-one is perfect, and defining perfect is impossible anyway. What matters is what you and your lady desire, and to that end I recommend that you talk in detail with your lady about your comment “i just want to please but i feel like i am failing in some crucial way.” I believe that is a great start of a conversation, if you are open to what she says.

    “does anyone have advice on how i might learn more?”

    There are articles about submission here on The Submissive Guide and also books about the subject but in my view what really matters is what you and your lady desire, and that can only be learned by talking with your lady. That said, articles and books can be a good beginning point and may open your eyes to different types of ways of thinking. I recommend beginning by browsing this site for articles and find a subject which you can really relate to, not as a substitute for talking with your lady but as a way to possibly increase your exposure for ways in which others approach the subject.

  6. ian

    thank you very much.

  7. fetfunplies

    A very interesting and enlightening article.

    I never thought of myself as selfish, now I can see that I am.

    I have been talking with my Mistress for 7 months now, and I am in the very early stages of submitting to her, in that time there have been some very intense times, especially when I have failed to do as she asked, this has infuriated and hurt her, I now realise I have to trust her.

    As one of the other replies says, It is scary to let go and put your trust in someone else’s hands

    Until a session last night I didn’t realise this, today I’ve taken some time to reflect. She is my world and in my every thought, I want to please her and make her proud, I know there isn’t anything I wouldn’t do for her.

    I have to TRUST Her.

  8. ted_subby

    Thank you @fetfunplies.

    I agree that it is scary to let go, as you mention. I also believe that it takes time to build up trust to where you can let go to a certain degree, and then even more time to build up more trust.

  9. Such a lovely day! | Domme Worship

    [...] As I was perving around the internet this morning, I came across a pretty good article about selfishness and submission that I think may help some of you newer folks. The site is great for new subs overall. Do have a look around. Do remember that the site is based on the OPINIONS of others and some of the material may or may not reflect my own personal values, philosophies, and requirements. Submissive Guide [...]

  10. dave

    When a straight submissive male says that he is a straight submissive male it means what it says. When she gets upset because you will not turn bisexual just to see her satan part of her brain turn on thats her problem not yours. Straight is straight and bisexual is bisexual. Alot of domme women are bisexual but male subs are not. Outside of that I have done what ever is asked of me. Any way when the male or female dominant is done with you with no more excitement coming from you to amuse them from there own inherent boredom. What will they do look for more subs. i find most dominant people in life cannot make it in life without someone who will submit for them. You have heard before that subs have the greatest need. It may be a matter of opinion , but I think otherwise. I can go without a domme or have one . I know one female domme when she doesnt have a sub or several to feed off of emotionally she has to resort to intoxication to numb the depression and anxiety that accompanies the breakup which has always been mostly her own fault.

  11. nudeslutm

    This article is ridiculous.
    i have been on fetlife for a while and as a male sub with respectful profile and photo (i have been told i am very cute and i am in shape i do yoga for fitness ) i have never ever ever been sent one message from a Domme. A correspondence from Dommes have been initiated by me.

    I am obedient , thoughtful and nice and yet i have gotten totally used and dismissed by Dommes repeatively.

    I have female sub friends on fetlife , their inboxes are flooded with potential Doms (and Dommes they get more interest from “straight” Dommes than i do). These female subs do things and demand things from Doms that i would never dream of as a male sub.

    Male subs are at the bottom of the kink ladder and you want to now say it is their fault because they are selfish?


  12. Ted

    @nudeslutm: You have misinterpreted the article. The article did not say that male subs are selfish and the article did not say that all male subs who cannot find a partner are selfish.

    The article was about, among other things, identifying selfishness and recognizing that we are all selfish to some degree. There was no blame implicit in the article.

    I agree with you to a certain extent that male subs are at the bottom of the kink ladder. However, there are many male subs who have found dominant women to partner with. I imagine that they do this by being regular human beings, friendly, not hostile or demanding, and finding someone who enjoys being with them. Often that includes non-kink in addition to (and probably before) any kink activities.

    It is very difficult to find a compatible partner, in my view equally so for dominant women as for submissive men. I have seen posts on FetLife from dozens of dominant women who are just not able to find a compatible sub man, in addition to the other way around. I know that is difficult to believe, but it is true.

    If you want to discuss these issues I invite you (or anyone) to find me on FetLife as Ted_Subby or better yet post on the group “Submissive men and women who love them (uncensored)” where we discuss many of these types of topics.

  13. Stuckinmyhead

    So I am new to the bdsm side of things. I am not sure what I want being inexperienced. I am aware I am not dom meterial. I have been reading over this and I think I would gain a great deal of pleasure from a dom’s pleasure. However I do not think it would be enough to keep me enthralled with her. Does that make me a bad sub? I honestly don’t know thats why I ask.

    I am currently discussing with a dom that is quite interesting. She calls me names like “my pet” and I like that much but she wants to “train me” and that part scares me. She also wants me to spend a large amount of money to “prove” my devotion to her training. I guess I don’t know what I’m saying, lol. I wish I knew what I was doing.

  14. lunaKM

    Say NO, emphatically. You should never be asked and expected to spend a large amount of money just to prove your devotion. That’s a scam and one that has been making the rounds of late. Even Pro-Dommes won’t expect you to buy toys and gear before meeting them and setting up a report with them.

  15. Ted

    @Stuckinmyhead: I agree with lunaKM.

    I recommend that you join (a free site) and browse different groups to find a group or topic you might be interested in. FetLife is not a dating site, it is a site for discussions, and I believe that you will learn a lot about yourself by reading others’ comments as well as posting if you feel comfortable.

    Also, articles on or even on other sites may help you learn what you might enjoy.

  16. Stuckinmyhead

    Feel for that one hook line and sinker didn’t i? Oh well, I think I’ll keep lookin elsewhere then.

    I had heard about financial domination as a thing and thought that maybe what she was going for.

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