Mentoring, self-help and submissive exploration

lunaKM has been a full-time slave in an M/s relationship for over 10 years. She is the founder and editor of Submissive Guide. Learn more about her here and connect with her on lunaKM.me, Twitter, Google+, FetLife.

3 responses to “I’m a Shy Web Cam Model, Can That Be Detrimental to Finding a Dominant?”

  1. Hyrrolar

    I’ve been a Dom online (WhateverTF that means) for a little over 15 years now and taught quite a few fine ladies about online exhibitionism. How to do it safely, the risks, the thrills, the potential disappointments, what it offers and what it does not substantiate as far as personal needs go. I might be able to offer in insight on the lines of thinking and why you keep running into the same problem with ‘online Doms,’ (again, WhateverTF that means).

    I agree with everything luna has said. It’s imperative O/one knows their own needs (VERY hard to do for folks that always look to fill the needs of others first). Everyone struggles with this, even the people that swear they know what they need find themselves re-examining themselves later in life, realizing they’re so far off the mark they don’t’ know who they are anymore. Once you figure it out, learn to communicate it, another difficult step.

    Until you can do this, you’ll find yourself slamming into the same walls over and over again with different people. That sort of self-knowledge can cover some insecurity on both sides of any potential relationship, either in ending in what is not or cannot work, or addressing what is otherwise avoided/unapproachable due to insecurity. Once you have this skill, however, I think you will see the problem of the potential men you find online.

    What is the inherent empowerment of online BDSM? The alias (safety, security, anonymity. self–image) the delete button (communication control, image preservation), the ignore button (handling/not handling rejection, avoidance). Online experience takes a lot of the spontaneity out of life that many of us are not so quick which to respond. They are all tools which hide our vulnerability, and it is very enticing to people who are painfully aware of such vulnerabilities. (You’ll find the most emotionally sophisticated of online communicators tend to be introverts, and you’ll also often find these individuals to often be woefully underequipped in social situations.) The ones that aren’t looking online? They usually do so because they thrive in social situations.

    (There’s going to be a bit of ‘this gender and that’ in this posts. This is anecdotal, so take it with a grain of salt and without a single rage post to be had in its wake.)

    And what of the empowerment of being a voyeur? As males, we are programmed to look over a woman and within the first few seconds of meeting her, deciding ‘would I, or wouldn’t I?’ It empowers us to view women as such as potential mates, while the women, sometimes (more often in first world countries), make the decision of whether those affections are acceptable (online especially). There is a certain toll for each woman for her to reciprocate any further affection towards a sexual interaction. In your line of work, that toll is cash. With that cash, men derive a false sense of self–empowerment. It i why men chuck cash at women at alarming rates that shake their tits at men. Is it a service exchange? Yes, but the reason it thrives is because it is a POWER exchange. It is about control, albeit false.

    Even the most insecure, sexually inept men crave power in some fashion. Even the high–heel lickers. the cuckolders, the gyno–supremacist fanboys understand this need on a primal level. (not to suggest the last group is connected, nor mutually exclusive with the first)

    But a man that seeks women online does so through all the above filters. Humans are insecure. The possessiveness is born out of that insecurity. So when they find something that might offer to be potentially theirs to keep, they get desperate. The fact you show yourself off to other men, give that sort of power to other men (which they see as you giving power, not providing a service), grates directly on their insecurities. Once again, the guys that are sharing their women? They aren’t chicken–hawking ladies in adultfriendfinder.com. They’re having wild orgies of which the vultures dream.

    So you wanna man that’s okay with you being shown off? Back to step one, know your needs. Once you do, communicate them upfront. It will shorten needless conversations with ‘Doms’ that are still contending with their self image issues, or even ones that just don’t’ like sharing…

    …but it’s almost always about self–image, not wanting to share. The Doms worth their weight in salt knows that if they’re doing their job right, and you’re getting what you need, no matter how many people look at you, you’ll always go back to Him. And if you don’t, you weren’t for Him anyway.

  2. Red Vinyl Kitty

    Hi there! I’m not sure if I can help at all, but I thought I would add in my two cents for whatever they are worth:

    I’m not sure if maybe I just happen to “run” in different circles than LunaKM, but honestly, I have not been with any person sexually who has ever had an issue with my caming. When I first began on web cam, I was only part time in my free time. I cam a lot more now, depending on health issues. It’s possible that Luna is just running into a lot more doms who do not like to share, but my experience has been the opposite – that there seem to be a lot more doms that like to share pictures, video, or even their submissive or slave with other doms, submissives, or slaves. Again, I have always hung out with poly people, so the type of relationships I have been around may vary from what LunaKM sees. I know Luna is also experimenting and learning about poly with her Master and Froggy, but we are also in different parts of the world.

    As to caming, I want to say that while on the outside it might appear as as extroverted activity, you can absolutely be shy and be a web cam model. I have written a lot about it before. Introverted people do well on cam, as you can generally (depending on website) set things up to be one on one with another person (instead of ten men at once, for example), so it’s not quite as “extroverted” as some may think. Being one on one with a client personally helps me feel less shy. Not to mention, the girl who comes out in my chat room is nothing like the girl who you will meet out on the streets. Web cam work is complicated.

    What I do want to say is that, as LunaKM mentions, you don’t say where you’re looking for dominants. I think it would be a great idea (if you haven’t) to get out and maybe try to go to some munches. Meeting people in person and talking to them in person is a great way to get to know people and find out what people are like in *your* area. No matter what, I promise you that if you are interested in finding a dom who is okay with your cam work, you can absolutely make that happen. It may be harder for you depending on your location, or it might be easier than you think! Don’t give up, and good luck!

  3. chyna

    I’m a real time submissive and a camgirl. My Sir and I met… He knew I hadn’t had sex in many years and that I was a camgirl. He loves how shy I am. I have rules even with cam work but we work it out. It took me heartbreak and time to find my Sir. So be patient and careful.


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