Mentoring, self-help and submissive exploration

lunaKM has been a full-time slave in an M/s relationship for over 10 years. She is the founder and editor of Submissive Guide. Learn more about her here and connect with her on, Twitter, Google+, FetLife.

7 responses to “Why You Should Know the Truth About Topping from the Bottom”

  1. LarissaG

    (Trying again. Firefox ate my last try)

    It’s all about communication. You’re communicating with your dominant and not leaving them in the dark. They’re not mind readers, just like you’re not a mind reader. You can’t automatically know what they’ll like without them telling you what they do and don’t like. It’s the same way with submissives. If we have a fear of something, we need to tell them about this fear and list it as a hard limit. It’s not topping from bottom to tell them that you can’t do something that they want to do to you because it scares the unholy hell out of you. That’s just being sane and communicating with them. It isn’t good to get into the middle of a scene and start freakin out on them because you have a phobia to something you (the sub) didn’t tell the dominant about before you began the scene. It seems logical, to me, to tell them about this stuff beforehand. It’s also not topping from bottom when you give ideas to your master about things they can do to you…especially in a long distance relationship. There are things that occur to both of you while you’re fantasizing, but it seems some, dominants included, think that if you tell your dominant about your fantasy, you’re topping from bottom. How? I don’t see how it’s topping from bottom to share your fantasy with them…they can take that fantasy and get ideas from it. My Master used to get mad at me for telling him ideas that occurred to me throughout the day as I surfed the net or went about my day. I would think of something and then tell him about it. He thought that I wanted him to do them to me and that I would not let up until it happened. Wasn’t the case. I had to explain to him that they were just ideas. Some of them would be fun but they were just ideas. He can do with them what he wished. So, it seems, even dominants need to learn the difference between telling them what to do and giving them fodder to torture you with…I love your site, Luna. I have learned alot from you over the last several years. I started out coming here when I was with another Master, but after we split, I continued to stay with your site and learn from you. You are basically a mentor that has been with me throughout my whole journey, even if it’s through this site and the articles you have here. I have learned a lot from you over the years and will continue to do so. My Master allows me the indulgence of choosing who to learn from while we are still apart. I chose you…Keep doing the work you do. Keep offering your years of wisdom and help to novices like me. You have literally saved me from many situations that I would have or could have been hurt badly in…Keep working and keep the faith in yourself. What you’re doing here is good and saves a lot of novices from being hurt…



  2. bonimiss

    luna, I ditto the comments from @larissaG about your site. I still keep reading your site with my morning coffee. It is the clear headed view of kinky life that I enjoy without the condemnation.

    I think topping from the bottom is also situational. It is one thing to discuss desires and fantasy in the middle of a scene versus the middle of every day life. In your example with the candy bar, it is also the responsibility of the Master to stay with their initial decision, to determine the acceptable level, place and time of begging, and the appropriate time to punish. And it really is about communication and the growth of the relationship and determining how the partners will communicate. Communication of needs and desires does not stop with the BDSM checklist but the process is often not discussed or understood by both individuals. It has to be two-way also and be free from recriminations and accusations.

  3. Snarksy | Topping From the Bottom Is Not Actually a Bad Thing, Part 2 – In Which We Realize That “Consensual” is the Only Official “Way to Be” in Kink

    [...] against un-sexy, mid-scene, “woah, let’s not do that” kinds of negotiating. There are many articles online that make what could be an okay dynamic (in which you define for yourself what [...]

  4. nikki

    Gee I am actually grateful you posted these a few years back I had been a moderator for a site that is no longer running, I am a Submissive slave who was in a D/ s relationship part time with my Dominant, he and I are no longer together. However my point…. I was chatting with a Dominant in a chat room and our discussion lead to him informing me to becareful as I was topping from the bottom. Now being new at the time just learning the lifestyle, I had no idea what that meant all I knew is he said Dominants do not like that and it is trouble trouble. He was understanding of my position, I am ever grateful for and cautioned me. However I also was not used to navigating a computer so I did not surf the net for the explanation of what I was doing wrong. I believe now it is a probable part to the reason my Dom and I are no longer. However thank you no now I know what I was doing wrong and now I can be aware in my future relationship.

  5. Steve Corner

    But isn’t requesting to be submissive ‘dominating from the bottom’ to begin with? Seems like an infinite regress. LOL

  6. Heather

    I am new to this lifestyle and have just entered into my first serious relationship with a Dominant. He told me that I am topping from the bottom. I didn’t know what that meant which led me to this site, but then I asked him what it was that I was doing so I can understand it and try not to do it. He won’t tell me. Is this okay, should I not have asked? Is that topping from the bottom?

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