photo by DonkeyHotey (CC BY 2.0)
When I was twenty, I met my first dominant in person. I was extremely excited and nervous about this because for months before meeting in person, we had talked a great deal through emails, online chatting services, and phone calls. The weekend he and I had planned to meet was over Memorial Day weekend. This caused a bit of a conundrum for me. That same weekend I was meeting the dominant, my friends were having a huge three day barbecue and welcome home party for a friend who had just spent almost two months in the hospital. There was no way I was missing the meeting with him, yet I hated to ditch my friends, especially since I couldn’t come out and tell them the reason why I was ditching them. I figured I would join in late on the festivities after he had left and deal with being in the dog house with my friends.
Well, the visit with the dominant didn’t last quite as long as we both had expected, which was okay. I received and greatly enjoyed my first taste of pain and was able to spend some more time with my friends, which would mean they would give me less of an inquisition if I didn’t miss as much of the party. I was wrong. As soon as I showed up, the questions started. Where was I? Who was I with? What was I doing? Who out there was more important to me than them? I tried for as long as I could to fight off the questions, which wasn’t very long. I finally broke down and told them about venturing into the BDSM lifestyle.
As I explained to them how I had spent the previous day and night with a dominant that I had been talking online with for the past six months, they just stared at me, all flabbergasted. Those looks intensified as I pulled my leather and metal spiked collar out of my purse to show them. The moments after sharing my story, there was this uncomfortable silence until one of my female friends spoke up. She told me I should be ashamed of myself for allowing a man to degrade and humiliate me in such a way, for lowering my standards in such a way that I’m allowing myself to be controlled by a man, and most of all, “for single handedly setting back the women’s rights movement by twenty years”.
That last statement spoken by my friend has always stuck with me. By voluntarily choosing to submit to a man, I am solely responsible for moving the women’s movement back twenty years. This has also made me think about all that is going on in the world with feminism and women’s rights.With the presidential election finishing up last November and the biggest hot button topic of the election being women’s reproductive rights and equality, also all the women’s movements going on around the world such as the Russian punk band Pussy Riot, FEMEN(a feminist group in eastern Europe who uses nudity in their demonstrations), and other countries where women have to struggle to vote, receive education, and hold a job. With all of these events taking place around the world, I started thinking about what most feminists think of women who are involved in the lifestyle.
I know there are a great deal of feminists out there who believe that BDSM is just another way for the members of the opposite sex to suppress women. That the lifestyle promotes and encourages violence against women. That women are objectified and reduced to nothing more than living sex toys for a man’s carnal desire. That the stereotype that women are only supposed to stay home and be barefoot, pregnant, and in the kitchen is perpetuated by the practice of the lifestyle. I’m sure there is a lot more they say, and it’s probably not as nicely put as above. That’s how they think, and they are welcome to their opinion and they’re also welcome to realize that I fully disagree with those who feel this way. The other side to this argument that there is nothing belittling or degrading about being in a BDSM relationship. That being in the lifestyle is just another form of sexual expression and there’s nothing wrong with expressing one’s sexuality, no matter how that way may be; that it is the female’s choice to live that kind of life and if she considers her life to be fulfilled by serving another, more power to her.
I know that being a feminist means different things to different people. To me, feminism has always been about having the right to choose to lead the kind of life that I want to. If I want to climb the corporate ladder and bring home the bacon, then I want to be able to without judgement. If I feel more comfortable being naked and kneeling at the feet of the man *I* choose to submit to, then I want to do so without judgement. Do I enjoy being objectified by my Master? Yes I do or else He wouldn’t do it. Do I enjoy being humiliated and degraded by my Master during a scene? Yes I do or He wouldn’t do it. Do I enjoy being reduced to a living sex toy for my Master’s carnal desires? Why yes I do. Just because I choose to submit to my Master doesn’t make me any less of a female or a human being than the other who chooses to climb the corporate ladder and run a company. I do not see myself weak for knowing what I need to make me happy in life and for having the courage and strength to go after that happiness just because my happiness isn’t the same as someone elses.
Feminism is about celebrating the female spirit, bonding with one another, supporting one another, and having the right to choose the path that’s right for you. To me, every woman who does this, is a feminist and there is nothing wrong with being a feminist and being in the lifestyle.
My name is lunaKM and I’m a full-time stay-at-home submissive in a D/s relationship.
I started blogging when I was exploring D/s online in 2003. I needed advice, mentors and helping hands. Since then I've made it my mission to help novice submissives understand themselves and the services they wish to provide. 
What a wonderful post on feminism. I know I was a feminist way back when bras were burned and it was just another obstacle to identifying my kinky needs. I believe those that yell are loudest about a topic have the most hidden fear about that topic. Some people are just not willing to concede that we are all different and that we may have a different viewpoint about our sexuality. They do not understand consent. They do not give us consent to be who we are yet if we tried to deny them their own sexuality, they would yell this is not right. It won’t happen in my lifetime but maybe in some future time, it will be ok to be kinky. I think that would be fantastic.
Thank you bonimiss for the compliment! :) I do have to agree with your statement about those who yell the loudest are afraid of whatever they are opposing. One of my favorite songs by Jewel is “Pieces of You”. One of the lines in the song is “Are you afraid you’re just the same?” and there is so much truth to that. A woman’s sexuality is a very powerful and potent thing. There have been times where I have even been surprised by my own sexuality as I have grown as a person and a slave. I do believe the feminists out there who are screaming out against BDSM and anything related to it, are probably much more curious to what goes on than they care to admit because they are afraid of what their fellow peers may think. Yes, it would be a wonderful thing if everyone could be much more open-minded and allow others to practice whatever sexual practices they chose to without fear of persecution.
This reply (among many other things), leads me to consider that people haven’t come as far as we think we have. Sure, we’re not burning people at the stake anymore, but we’re still not that far away from exuming McCarthy, either. :-/
We really aren’t. Think about certain jobs that have morality clauses in the contracts that if you’re caught doing something considered “immoral”, you’re fired. Remember the Canadian police officer that was fired after it was found out he had a profile on Fetlife, there’s things like that all the time, we just don’t always hear about it. As much I would love to be able to say that “in time” things will change, they never will. People will always fear the unknown, refuse to get to know the unknown, and refuse accept someone who is interested in different things than they are.
There are many aspects of life which are confusing, even to intelligent adults. There are some aspects I look at and really don’t understand, and they may even seem to send a message I wouldn’t want to send.
BDSM looks that way to many who are not into it and don’t know much about it. I believe that a common misconception about BDSM is that subs have low self-esteem or else why on earth would they let those things be done to them? No-one would ever want to be a slave or be given pain, so those people must have low self-esteem to take all of that just so they can get some attention. I believe that this is how BDSM is viewed by many people.
If I were to encounter that attitude, it would disturb me but I would understand it, and if given the opportunity I would try to explain how incorrect it is in my view. Unfortunately, we are not typically given a chance to explain it depending upon the situation, and the person is left to wallow in what I would consider their ignorance.
It is disturbing ted_subby because most don’t give you a chance to explain yourself. they would rather pass judgement and tell you how they’re better than you are.
I have had several people think that I got involved in the lifestyle so I wouldn’t have to “deal with real life” and to “have someone to take care of me so I don’t have to take care of myself”. During my first few years in the lifestyle, I did have a rather skewed view of the lifestyle and what it meant to me, but as I got older, my views majorly changed. I understand when someone is new and also a bit immature, they have certain ideas that aren’t always right. I did for awhile think that just because I was in a M/s relationship, that life was somehow different, but I received a very quick wake up call that isn’t the case. I can see how people have the misconceptions they do considering how some people in the lifestyle behave, how the media portrays the lifestyle(don’t EVEN get me started on 50 Shades or I’ll NEVER get off my soap box), and lack of knowledge, but the terrible thing is people would rather base their opinions on stereotypes and skewed media perceptions than actually looking for a proper source of information. I do think it’s sad to have to deal with everyone’s ignorance, but unfortunately unless some major changes happen within society, we’ll have to learn how to deal with the ignorant individuals and cling to one another for support.
@tequilarose: I understand what you mean about ignorant people making assumptions. The preconceived notions apply to male submissives in a similar way, some people apparently think that there must be something wrong with a male submissive such as low self esteem in order to allow himself to be treated that way, contrary to how some people believe men should act. That doesn’t make it tougher or easier to deal with, it’s still people making judgments which are not reasonable to make because they don’t want to learn more.
I stay away from every bit of that altogether by only discussing the lifestyle with those who are in it or very aware of it, via The Submissive Guide, FetLife, my own site, or other sites. I have no reason to tell my family, friends, or co-workers so I don’t and I thereby do not get judged.
“for single-handedly setting the women’s rights movement back 20 years.”
I didn’t get beyond this statement before I had to comment. I used to get something very close to this statement all the time – I think that maybe you and I had the same friends, lol!
Isn’t it disheartening? As if submission isn’t indeed a strength? As if to completely give yourself over to someone else, man or woman, doesn’t require a keen intelligence, strength of mind and will, and a depth of trust that most will never have the pleasure of knowing for themselves?
But you know what though, I’ve noticed that the outspoken feminists are really not that different from any other zealots – they have the audacity to assume that their way is right and every thing else is wrong. If its not this way, then it MUST be that way. There are no areas of in between for people like this. Plus, they tend to think in that manner about all things in their lives.
I am sorry you had to find out that way that some things are just better kept to yourself. I understand your embarrassment and pain associated with your experience and thank you for writing this article. This subject alone has been O/our greatest challenge – why can’t people just let U/us be? W/we’re happy, and we make no bones about that to each other or anyone else. I wonder if its because there is a population of men out there who would love to have submissive romantic partners? Please understand that I am in no way speaking for all men, but I would be leaving this comment unfinished if I just ended it without mentioning that my Owner hears about that quite a bit. While W/we do not throw O/our lifestyle into others faces, W/we don’t relax the dynamic a whole lot just because we are with vanilla friends and family, and more than a few men have approached Him very quietly to ask Him if I have a sister, lol!
That single statement did haunt me for quite a long time. I did feel like I was doing something wrong by following my heart. It was a huge struggle to find a balance between being a slave and being a woman. So many of my female friends didn’t understand what I was doing and thought I had been “lost” somewhere along the way. My first two years in high school I was singing along to the Spice Girls and sharing their message of “girl power” and how I wasn’t going to be “kept down” by a male. Then when I was 17, about my junior year in high school, something inside of me clicked that hadn’t before and I wasn’t so into girl power and equality. That’s when I knew I was submissive, but didn’t quite know that at the time. The more I thought about feminism and women’s movement, to more I realized these things were done because women wanted the opportunity to choose to live the life they wanted to live and not be treated as second class citizens. Several females have told me I’m not a feminist because of being a submissive(but, if I were a Domme, then yes, I would be a feminist, go figure huh?), that I’m going against everything that all those women fought for. They fought to be able to express their sexuality how they saw fit and say it’s okay to watch porn, and that’s what I’m doing. It would be one thing if I were being forced into doing something I want, but nothing that is done to me is against my will. I will never deny being a slave to my Master nor will I stop wearing His collar in public just because it may make other females uncomfortable. And you are right, most men do want a submissive woman. Maybe not to the extent that most of us take it, with a collar and leash, but most men do want a woman whose going to take care of him, the home, and the family.
You know what the real issue here is, right? Its women’s sexuality – that will never be okay. It will never be okay to be who we are sexually, and “enlightened women” all over the world continue that age-old pattern to this day. They blame men for starting the trend, LOL, but then they keep it up. They go on about equality while keeping any woman who doesn’t conform to their idea of equality under their boot. They’re just as subjugating as the quintessential Victorian male, but god forbid you should present it to them as such.
“Its women’s sexuality – that will never be okay”
I agree with you that the subjugation is from all sorts of different people but I think that society is changing and it is becoming more and more acceptable for women to be sexually free without being thought of in a negative manner. There is still a long way to go but in my view it is definitely changing, and that to me is a very good thing.
An example of that change is how 50 Shades of Grey is perceived. Yeah there are still many vanilla people who snicker at the subject matter (BDSM and some women’s deep desires) but if that book had been released 30 years ago I think it would have bombed because of the stigma attached with women’s sexuality. Even without that book, though, I see the change happening in society in a somewhat big way all during the course of my 49 years.
I fully agree with you both. I think the stigma that women are just around to take care of the family and house still exists, maybe not as much as it has in the past, but that it’s still around. Heaven forbid women be sexual creatures and have needs, desires, and fantasies. It’s still even taboo for women to look at porn. About a month or so ago, Master and I were downtown and because we had nothing else to do, I suggested we stop in the sex store just to see what they had. Master was looking at something and I was looking at the rows upon rows of Playboys and other assorted magazines(mainly because they were in English and I always get excited to see ANY reading material in English)and started flipping through them. Next thing I know, the man whose standing next to me is looking at me with a very surprised expression. I looked over at him with a puzzled look and he quickly moved on. I found it rather amusing that I had caught this man off guard by looking at porn and not being disgusted by it. Also with the 50 Shades being called “mommy porn” because the audience it was targeting were women in their 30′s and the uproar there was that it’s called “mommy porn” while porn and erotica for men is just “porn”. I think no matter what, there’s always going to be a stigma attached to women’s sexuality and there’s always going to be a resistance trying to keep women from exploring their sexuality and accepting it.
In Second Life, where I met my current Real Life Master, I was once told that I was “weak” and the suggestion was made that I was putting womens’ movement back fifty years because I chose to be collared. Even worse was the fact that as a submissive, people take advantaged of your inherent need to help people or please people. When I wasn’t under Master’s care, people would take advantaged of me. Now that I am under Master’s care, I have to go to him to be involved in some things. He has to watch me carefully because we have found that if I’m not, then I will pile my plate so high trying to please everyone and not tell them “no, I don’t have time to do what you want me to do.” He doesn’t like it when his slave is overwhelmed to say the least. There was a time there when I was so overwhelmed by shit to do for groups and friends that I had no time for anything else. The girl who told me that I was weak soon found out that pushing me into a corner got her nothing more than a backlash and a kick from our sim. Now we don’t talk about it with anyone. It’s our lives, our decisions. If anyone has a problem with it, they all know what they can do with themselves. We’ve been together going on three years. They can all deal with it…but my point is, I faced that same comment…They didn’t like the response. lol
L
They never do Larrisa! I was the same way. I would get taken advantage of because I wanted to help and people knew this. Needed help moving? “Let’s call Tequila, she won’t tell us no!” and I didn’t. It’s sad that there are people like that out there.
I’m on Pintrest and I actually had a family member report me for one of my boards(what makes the whole situation even funnier is she has NO idea it was me)and it upset me because, if you don’t want to look at something, go unfollow that specific board and you’ll never see another image from that board ever again. Just because it’s not something you like or agree with, that doesn’t mean you have to ruin it for everyone else. Just take your toys and go to a different sandbox. It’s the same way with feminism. You don’t like that I want to wear a collar and kneel, then quit sticking your nose in my business! I don’t care what you do in your private time, so don’t worry about what I’m doing in mine!
I’m so glad to know that we have all faced this…it makes me feel better to know that I’m not alone in it.
Thanks for posting such a thoughtful piece on feminism. I wholeheartedly agree with everyone here. Feminism is about the freedom to make choices.
All living creatures hold within them the seeds of dominance and submission. The real shame is that so many people cannot see this natural universal tendency. Power play is obvious in every aspect of human endeavor. The first real character we see in children is either their desire to please someone they love or to push the limits and break the rules, and of course there are a spectrum of variations in between those extremes. How tragic is it that so many people feel they have to deny a part of themselves in order to be equal? Both sexes have strengths and weaknesses and it is through cooperation and teamwork that we make each other stronger as a species. Learning to submit to a wise dominant is no different than learning to listen to a wise teacher. Believing that submission makes someone weak is simple ignorance. Often times those who submit are the strongest of the bunch because they can weather the storms of life without breaking, They are adaptable and often very intuitive when it comes to other people’s motivations. You cannot lead effectively without understanding what motivates people. That’s why the old saying of a great submissive makes the best dominant is oftentimes true. It doesn’t necessarily mean we enjoy being dominant, but the capacity is there should the need arise.
I fully agree with you Sukami! There is a natural flow to life and one of those is the dominant/submission. It’s found everywhere in life, not just with humans. I think at times, people forget that things exist outside of human nature. In packs of animals, there’s always the alpha and the rest of the pack/group follows the alpha. I also believe that people only see submission in lifestyle terms. They don’t realize that there are times where they have to submit, whether it be to a boss or a parent or government official. Dominance and submission is in everyday life.
I agree with you about the great submissives make good dominants. That is something I have heard quite often myself and have also been told that if I ever felt the need, I would make a good dominant.
[...] Tequila Rose recently shared a personal story and some thoughts on modern feminism and being a submissive woman. I’ve heard other women with very similar stories, where friends or acquaintances tell a woman that they are not good feminists because they are submissive to… shudder… a MAN. [...]