photo by brettneilson (CC BY 2.0)
I was talking with a friend of mine awhile ago and she said something that really piqued my attention. She was telling me about her boyfriend and how upset she is over the fact that he won’t chase after her. They had some kind of argument and stormed out of the apartment. She got in her car, but instead of immediately taking off, she sat there, waiting for him to come out after her, throwing himself at her feet, begging for forgiveness. She sat there for twenty minutes waiting for him to chase after her, but that never happened. She saw from his living room blinds that he had turned on the TV and went about his night instead of seeing if she had still been sitting in his drive way.
During this conversation, I found myself thinking about an episode of “Sex in the City” where Carrie goes over to see Big while he’s in the middle of watching a pay-per-view fight. While he’s trying to watch the fight, Carrie is throwing herself all over him and He wants nothing to do with this. He wants to watch his fight. Big gets fed up with her behavior and asks what the hell is going on, she gets upset and leaves. After leaving his apartment, she stands outside his apartment door for the obligatory ten minutes waiting for him to come and apologize for his brutish behavior. But he doesn’t and she sulks home.
Being active in the lifestyle since my early twenties, I have found myself trying to shake all the learned behaviors mainstream society has instilled in me when it comes to being a female and the whole dating game. Honestly, I’ve not been one for wanting to play games when it comes to being in a relationship. I don’t have the time or patience for it. But I felt, especially once I started putting myself out there on sites such as collarme.com, that I was entering into a world that had different standards then what I was used to. Which I came to find out was very true once I started chatting with dominants online.
The more I talked with dominants online, and also fellow female submissives, I realized everything I had been taught by mainstream society as appropriate dating etiquette (I really don’t see the chasing after each other as appropriate dating etiquette, but I think that’s something that is taught to females on a subconscious level) didn’t apply, especially expecting to be chased after by a dominant. As a new submissive in the lifestyle, it is rather overwhelming. You’re learning all sorts of new things, experiencing new feelings, trying to learn from mistakes of others who have walked the path you’re just starting, and trying to find a happy balance between lifestyle and vanilla life. It’s hard to, no matter what age you are to shake learned behaviors from mainstream society, no matter how detrimental these behaviors may be. The friend I mentioned above, she’s in a vanilla relationship and at times, I do question her maturity level, but hearing her carry on about not being chased after made me think of me, as being a slave, not just a slave, but a collared slave, do I have the right to make my Master chase after me?
In my opinion, ANY collared submissive or slave who utters the phrase “well He didn’t chase after me” when speaking about his or her Dominant or Master, needs an attitude adjustment. To me, after accepting one’s collar, there shouldn’t be a need to be chased. If for any reason that statement is uttered, heck even if the Dominant or Master starts to think that the sub or slave needs to start chasing after them, there’s something seriously wrong in the relationship.
I know there are millions upon millions of ideology for our lifestyle, Gor, Leather and TPE just to name a few and with all these ideologies, there’s no one set of rules for the lifestyle. I think there are some basic blanket rules that all lifestyle types follow. One of those basic blanket rules is communication. If there’s a breakdown in communication, then there’s going to be a breakdown in the relationship. If there’s a breakdown in the relationship, that’s where silly things are said such as “He’s not chasing after me”.
A slave I knew once told me that her master wasn’t chasing after her. He had neglected her so she was going to find a new one who better fit her needs. I asked her how she had been neglected. She told me her master hadn’t been keeping her in a slave mindset. I asked her if she had told her master this and she told me no, because she shouldn’t have to, he should just know by her acting out. Also that it was his sole job as her master to keep her in a slave mindset. I was rather taken back by all of this. For me, as a slave, it’s my responsibility to tell my Master that I feel that He’s neglecting me. To inform my Master that I need help staying in the proper mindset and talk with Him about what things I need from Him and what things I can do to get myself back in that mindset. Master isn’t a mind reader. He’s really good at knowing when something is wrong with me, but He doesn’t always pick up on everything. He can’t tell when I’m having an internal struggle questioning whether I’m good enough to have His collar and if I just need to pack my bags and head back to the States. If I don’t open my mouth and say “Master, I’m having issues”, He isn’t going to know. I can’t let hatred and resentment build between us just because I can’t open my mouth.
I’m not going to lie; I have issues myself with this from time to time. There have been instances where I become extremely upset and have stormed off from Master, hoping that He’ll be following right behind me, begging for me to tell Him what’s wrong. That doesn’t happen and while I’m in the other room sulking, I can find myself getting angry that He hasn’t come after me. Then I get more angry at myself because I’m expecting Him to come chase me (like I said, learned behaviors are SO HARD TO GIVE UP and this is one behavior I not only loathe in others, but even more in myself!). When this happens, I do feel like I’m playing a stupid game and acting like a two year old. Why should I be angry at Master for not chasing after me? I mean, He was right in front of me until I stormed off. Usually after a few moments, Master does come in and check on me and to see just what the heck is going on in my head. Then our conversation usually ends with me apologizing for my very un-slave like behavior.
It’s hard sometimes to open up and talk about what’s going on. Yes, it is much easier for one party to just assume that the other party knows what’s going on when in reality; they don’t even have a clue. How is a slave’s Master to know that the slave is struggling with keeping in the mindset they need unless the slave speaks up? Why risk throwing away the most meaningful relationship you have ever had? All it takes is an open line of communication for things to work, and then no one has to do any chasing.
My name is lunaKM and I’m a full-time stay-at-home submissive in a D/s relationship.
I started blogging when I was exploring D/s online in 2003. I needed advice, mentors and helping hands. Since then I've made it my mission to help novice submissives understand themselves and the services they wish to provide. 
I started reading this post and thought to myself oh I would never do this chasing thing! And then I realized I did! Sir and I had known each other only for a few months and I was still firmly entrenched in vanilla ways. We were sitting in my car discussing something and as we talked, I became increasingly angry and frustrated with Sir until I eventually said “GET OUT OF MY CAR!”. Well he didn’t so I did. I stood outside my car and he sat in the car just with this smile on his face. I did think about getting in the car and driving off with him in it but I didn’t (good thing). I really had no options but to calm down and get back in the car which I did. It was THE turning point in our relationship and I count it as the day he owned me. He was right and I was wrong but my usual vanilla ways of yelling, getting angry, being demanding, and being in control, didn’t make him back down. Nor did he get out of the car and leave which was probably an ulterior subconscious motive of mine. I think I had to show him how bad and horrible I could be and when he accepted this and just sat there looking at me, I knew something different and unknown to me was going on. I had to shed many other vanilla assumptions and methods of communication and make many mistakes but I never made my actions an ultimatum ever again.
Now we communicate although at times it is difficult but the thing is we have a process to fall back on that is stated in our contract. And it is knowing he accepts me as I am that makes me brave most of the time.
This is a very hard habit to break….believe me, I know! there are still times where I find myself wanting to pull this very stunt and I end up doing so because I haven’t exactly broken this bad habit of mine. I get so frustrated because when I do this, I know what kind of strain it puts on our relationship and makes communication just that much harder.
Like you, I think i do this from time to time because I do want to push Master away and prove to Him I’m this terrible person who has no worth and will only hurt Him in the long run. I’m extremely grateful that He doesn’t buy into this line of thought and still stands by me no matter what, but I do fear there will be a point where I do try to push Him away, and I will end up succeeding one day because He’s tired of the game. More and more I’m forcing myself to talk instead of running and the more I do so, the better I feel about things.
I had to write this article because I feel that communication is something that can’t be stressed enough because the breakdown in communication is what causes the breakdown in relationships.
I get the same ways at times, expecting too much or trying to dictate how I should be treated. (Sometimes my masochistic ways get in the way). But Master is stoic and thoughtful, his actions are the best for U/us. It is my job to obey, wait and serve, not pretend to. It takes two people to keep up the slave mindset. Master who guides and this slave who makes it a part of her daily practice to be the slave that He so desires.
I can’t agree with you more d1amondsea! A M/s or D/s relationship takes two people. It’s a symbiotic relationship, can’t really have one without the other. I feel the same way too, that there are times I’m expecting too much and dictating how Master should treat me and what He needs to do and I know that’s not how things work. It is difficult to find a healthy balance in everything.
Completely agree with you Luna. Those games are NULL AND VOID. I wouldn’t expect nor want my Master to chase me, to apologize anyway. Maybe foe fun and games …. :)
I don’t mind Master chasing me around the apartment or around the pond behind our building, but that’s about all the chasing I’m okay with Master doing. It amazes me how some slaves and submissives think that a M/s or D/s relationship should work and I find myself wondering how can they ever be in a happy, fulfilling relationship if they expect things like being chased after to happen.
I find it so amusing I found this article! Its the very issue I’ve been having to work on myself! Its so good to read that it’s not uncommon for these, societal, movie-type things, these expectations that are implanted in everyone are a struggle to break from. I had started getting really down on myself for not being able to be ‘reasonable’ with my expectations, and found myself pouting and getting angry far more than I wanted. I didnt -like myself- that way and I didnt like disappointing the person who was trying with so much patience to teach me.
:)
This whole site is pretty amazing.
It’s hard one to overcome. I still find myself doing this and like I said, it drives me nuts when I catch myself in one of these loops. I do think that too many people get relationship advice or ideas on how relationships work from TV, movies, and books and then when they try to implement these actions/behaviors, they wonder why something goes amiss. These things get even harder when someone whose used to vanilla type relationships decides to get into a M/s or D/s type relationship and things like chasing aren’t tolerated, and honestly, I don’t know too many vanilla guys who are into chasing their girlfriends or wives!
I especially love the picture of the running puppy being chased as the image for this entry because that dog would not be running if it had a collar on! And that’s a funny symbolism that sometimes we lose sight of: the submissive collar (for those who wear one, I mean) visually informs that there will be no chasing, period. The collar *should* mean (among other things) that the chasing is over and that there is no playing-silly-buggers with the running amok and pouting. Just like a ring, I suppose. I love your comments about communication, especially; and really the deep and intense communication in this lifestyle brings mental health (among other things) into focus very clearly. — On another matter, I just found this online resource and went to your article first, and I thoroughly enjoyed reading it. Thanks for being a great resource to new subs :D