A couple weeks ago I was asked about cheating. Specifically if using technology to cyber date someone was considered cheating. It brought me to the conclusion that we needed to have a discussion about it, just you and me.
Cheating is a big nasty word. It conjures distrust, fear and doubt in a relationship. It means that someone has violated the negotiated boundaries of the relationship. If you find out your partner is cheating you can go though feelings of worthlessness, anger and a myriad of other things. It’s just a bad place to be.
But is it cheating if the offenses happened online? Can you cheat by chatting?
Depending on the condition and situation of your relationship your answer could be yes or no. In the beginning of KnyghtMare and my relationship it would have been cheating. Now, not so much. We were online only at first and then when we moved in together that mentality was still in place. If we could develop a connection online, who’s to say that you aren’t doing the same thing with someone else? So online chat could have been considered cheating.
However now, we realize that while inappropriate, online conversations won’t jeopardize our relationship. We don’t engage in cyber D/s so it would be difficult to be considered cheating anyway.
Physical Cheating vs. Emotional Cheating
When I think of cheating I think of having sexual relations with another person. That’s what cheating is to me. It’s not the only definition though. Physical cheating is just that – sexual and intimate contact with someone else without the other parties awareness. And that’s really the whole thing about cheating anyway – partner awareness.
There is also emotional cheating. Emotional cheating is when there is a powerful intimate connection that does not include sex or sensual contact. Oftentimes the emotional cheating is what develops with an online-only relationship and it can be the least recoverable. What defines emotional cheating is in great debate in online forums. Different people consider intimate connections at different levels of the relationship. Others think that any conversation is bounds for sneaky behavior.
It’s All a Trust Issue?
When you lose trust in someone you can start to think they are seeking intimacy elsewhere. If you have been hurt in the past then you will see cheating as the end all fear of any relationship. But why would someone cheat on someone anyway? There are just as many reasons as there are cheaters in this world. Here are just a few:
- Forced monogamy on a poly-minded individual
- Unhappiness in current relationship
- Sexual frustration
- Accident - Innocuous relationship develops further than planned.
My name is lunaKM and I’m a full-time stay-at-home submissive in a D/s relationship.
I started blogging when I was exploring D/s online in 2003. I needed advice, mentors and helping hands. Since then I've made it my mission to help novice submissives understand themselves and the services they wish to provide. 
I think anything hidden is cheating. I don’t think a person would hide something unless they, on some level, felt it was wrong. Ordinarily I would not think of online chat is cheating. But if I found out online chat was being carried on over time and I hadn’t known, I would see that as cheating. If it was something I knew of from the start, that would be different. As for the listed reasons,
Forced monogamy on a poly-minded individual: Why is a poly minded person with a person who wants monogamy? Or vice-versa? A hard limit is a hard limit. If someone wished to force a poly relationship on me, it would have to be the end of that relationship no matter what. Continuing in such a relationship would make all parties unhappy. Trying to “tolerate” this would make me so unhappy and if I cared for someone, I would wish them happiness but not at my expense.
Unhappiness in current relationship: If you are unhappy in a relationship, the one thing that cheating would accomplish would be to break up the relationship. Cheat on me and you better be packed and have somewhere else to live.
Sexual frustration: Finding the cause is the first step. If you and your partner are not compatible, again, the relationship should end.
Accident – Innocuous relationship develops further than planned. Just because it “just happened” is no excuse. It is not even a reason. Period.
I guess I want to say that all of these reasons for cheaters, to me, are reasons to terminate a relationship. I do not tolerate any cheating. These is no good reason.
I never said they were good reasons, but they are the reasons that people cheat. There are also many reasons why people stay in relationships where they are unhappy – so your quick decisions to end a relationship may not be easily foreseen to those in these situations. There are marriages and kids to consider, living conditions, income, etc. It’s simply not that easy for many. So they find “other” ways to feel happy even if it is deceitful and hidden.
Yes, those are reasons why people cheat. In addition, they are worthless excuses. If someone is in an unhappy relationship but doesn’t want out for whatever reasons, too bad. That someone had best discuss the unhappiness with his partner FIRST before making the unilateral decision to go off and cheat. Same with sexual frustration. If it’s broke, fix it if you can and if you can’t, do your partner a service and get out of the relationship. “Accident”? “Just happened” ? That’s just BS. Cheating is a cowardly act.
I agree with the comments so far that anything hidden is cheating and the reasons would not be acceptable to me if I were the one cheated on (I might forgive, depending upon the circumstances, but I would consider it cheating). If there are any factors which may lead someone to cheat then those should be communicated with the one who would be cheated on before cheating actually occurs.
An example of cheating is in a monogamous marriage going online and having cybersex (even via text chat only) with someone else without the spouse being aware ahead of time.
I acknowledge that there are situations which are not black and white. The nature of human beings makes it difficult to classify some situations. But there are also many situations which are clearly cheating. This is just my opinion.
Early on in me and my Daddy’s relationship, I was chatting with another Dom, (just chatting at first) but it turned into asking what I was being taught and what I liked and soon turned into cyber. I was honest and told Him about it, and He said I cheated on him. At the time I didnt think it was, but I saw where He was comming from eventually. I was punished by being released for a week and a half. He wouldn’t talk to me and it hurt me so bad! *lesson learned!*
I also agree with what everyone has commented so far. Now I’m a newbie to living in the lifestyle but I was wondering doesn’t it also matter if you are sub or slave? I mean if you are slave then you do as you are told right?
Alyssa,
It is a very alluring idea to be a slave and accept absolutely everything which occurs to you, whether that’s cheating or anything else. Believe me, I know the allure of being a I-have-no-say-in-the-matter slave.
However, we are all human beings and those of us who want this lifestyle (whether sub or slave, or anything else) choose what we accept and do not accept.
If you have communicated with your Master your acceptance for him to be with others, then that is perfectly fine for you both. In that case it is not cheating because you have communicated with your Master. However, if there has been no communication about this issue (you two have not communicated about his being poly, for example) and without your knowledge your Master has sex with someone else, then that is clearly cheating in my view, and not something you have accepted. You may decide to accept it without any further thought, but that’s unlikely for many of us subs because our trust in communication has been violated. An important aspect of BDSM, and close relationships in general, is trust and if that is violated then it can be a very painful thing which may take time to heal.
My point is that all of these things should be communicated ahead of time — regardless of whether you are a sub, a slave, or anything else — and that removes all aspects of cheating about it. If your Master wants to be with others, then he should talk with you about it ahead of time in my view.
A huge number of potential issues in BDSM or any other type of relationship can be alleviated by mutual communication.
-Bluebonnet1′s Ted
I am a slave, and there are things I am not happy with in my slavery.
I chat with Doms/Masters through messages. Some may even think I will leave my Master for them.
I do feel I am cheating but in saying that…
understand that I am not sure if I want to end my current slavery and so I feel then need to vent and get feedback from other Masters about what is happening in my slavery to help me assess if I should stay or not.
So it is technically cheating, maybe not, maybe it is better described as being disobedient as I have not been given permission to share any of my Masters life with others even if it is to help save us.
but also my Master does things (has an online slave) that feels as though he is cheating to me, alas I am not so sure that cheating is the best word since he is my Master and he can do what he wants but it feels the same (I was always under the impression he could have additional slaves but I thought I would be part of that dynamic not apart from it)
and so I get great satisfaction from being able to discuss things with other Masters when he is busy with his online slave.
so am I really cheating or just being a “bad” girl?
In my view messaging with others is not cheating if the messages are not for sexual gratification (for either) or flirting, it’s not being a bad girl or boy either, unless your Master told you specifically not to message with others. If it is for sexual gratification and you have not told your Master, then that is probably cheating.
Regardless, if there is any doubt then I recommend mentioning it to your Master and see what his response is. I know that can be tough, but try to think of it as another form of submitting to your Master.