Mentoring, self-help and submissive exploration

LadySneak is a moniker that she uses both on Fetlife and LitErotica. She is a real life submissive with 12+ years experience both online and real life. She struggles daily with agoraphobia.

20 responses to “What It Means to be Collared”

  1. subeauty

    Thank you for writing this very good article. My Master has wanted to collar me for some time now, but I have not felt truly ready yet.

  2. lynne nicely

    Hello, I am just entering into a submissive relationship and i am very excited and nervous, can you give me any tips that will be helpful. Thank You

  3. lunaKM

    Yes, you can take some time to read more of the website where I have a huge treasure trove of tips. Start anywhere and just keep reading. Then when you have specific questions, you’ll know what to ask.

  4. SamSilver

    A very good article thank you very much, I never quite realised how much it meant to be collared, I’m new to this as well and my master would like to collar me it’s good to know that it isn’t to be taken lightly. I’ve read many articles and am eager to learn if anyone has any more valuable articles or information I would be do grateful, thank you all in advance.

  5. FloridaSubbie

    Ive been dating a trained Dom for about 4 months now. We met on a vanilla dating site & after a few weeks he informed me he was into the Alt lifestyle. I liked him so did some research & decided to continue to date him. Since Im a rookie, I’ve been writing down my questions regarding the d/s relationship and what is expected of my role and also discussing my limits.
    I asked him initially if he wanted me to be submissive whenever we were together or just in the bedroom. He said the bedroom which worked for me.
    So far, we have an intense connection. Very passionate, fun but intelligent relationship. I’m committed to him & I’m not interested in any other man & I’ve made that clear to him.
    Recently I was at his house, and he was asking me if I was sure that I wanted to live this lifestyle. I am sure, however my being completely submissive was limited to the bedroom which I am completely comfortable with & it’s unbelievably an amazing experience with every session. When outside of the bedroom, I believe I’m a good girlfriend to him.
    So my Dom now wants me to wear my collar every time I enter his home, put it on myself when I enter. Strip naked. Face the door. Kneel and put my hands on my head and wait for him. He also wants me to do this when he’s coming to my house. He also wants me to remain naked until I says I can be clothed. Of course, in both scenarios we would be home alone. I did agree to this (during a session) but afterwards when I thought about it, I did not make me feel comfortable. I talked to him about it. I told him I was not ready for this type of submissiveness. He said “ok” and he wasn’t mad, however I feel that he is not happy.
    I know there are subs/slaves that desire this with their Doms. It’s just not me at this time. I don’t want to hold him back from seeking what he wants from a Sub. I also do not want to waste my time and his. I feel like I’m falling in love with him and I feel it’s mutual, but I’m not sure that keeping our d/s relationship only in the bedroom will be enough for him.
    He’s a good man and I want him to be fulfilled.
    I know there are men out there that marry women that do not meet their sexual needs. These men eventually will be miserable or will find a way to meet their needs outside of their marriage.
    Im trying to avoid being hurt & hurting my Dom. He is very serious about the lifestyle. I want to satisfy him, but I have my limits.
    Please advise. Should I walk away?

  6. His

    Is it okay to only wear the collar when we’re in the bedroom? He is thinking of getting me a collar, but not to wear 100% of the time. The idea is that when the collar is off, we are equals and can discuss things as equals. But when we’re alone, He’d put the collar on me to signify I belong to Him. When other responsibilities arise, He would take the collar off and things would return to normal.

    This arrangement works for me, but I’m worried that it’s disrespectful of the community. The way you worded it here made it sound like taking it off signifies a break up. I mean, it has meaning to us, and it’s not like I stop loving Him when He takes it off. It’s just that I have work and school and family and I can’t be His kitten 24/7.

  7. lunaKM

    @His – It’s perfectly okay since that is what works for you. Not all submissives have a collar or wear it 24/7 or have the same meaning to it as what LadySneak details in this essay. So, if wearing it only in the bedroom works for your relationship then that’s how it works.

    It’s not disrespectful to anyone if you treat the collar the way you have decided to treat it. What LadySneak referenced as far as having it removed is that most submissives when in a 24/7 style collar situation have it removed it signifies the end of that relationship.

    As with anything you read, here included, it is meant to be a guide – not hard and fast rules. Use what you want and discard the rest. The BDSM lifestyle can be molded and shaped into any way you see it working for your relationship. I wish you the best.

  8. Stacie

    I know for me , all of the things i was unwilling to do the first few months to first yr with my dom changed when the trust, love , respect and willingness grew throughout time.. I will now do things for my master that i would have NEVER in a lifetime dreamt of before, it all comes from my wanting to please him and show him how appreciative I am of his patience love and respect. this is a mutual lifestyle/ relationship and one of the most healthy relationships I have ever had because its soley built on trust love and communication. Your dom sounds like he is understanding and caring and would understand your wants needs and desires. A good dom is patient and a good sub is teachable. Only you will know deep in your heart of hearts if or when its time to walk away. I wish you the best of luck :) I hope this help , i only speak from my own experience…

  9. Anonymous

    I’ve been dating a really great guy and just the other day, I went through a collaring “ceremony” where I was “reborn” by undressing, him putting on the collar, and then redressing. We made love for several hours and then when I was ready, he took it off. He and I haven’t spoken much about BDSM and I’ve never done this, so it’s all pretty new to me. I’ve read that a collar is like a “pre-engagement ring” and removing the collar is like breaking up or a “velcro” collar. However, he’s only done this with 3 other women, and we haven’t been dating that long, so I don’t think that’s the case for us. So how can I interpret this experience?

  10. Anonymous

    Side note: we also haven’t had “the talk” about exclusively seeing each other or being boyfriend/girlfriend, so I don’t know if maybe my experience symbolizes that that’s where we’re headed?

  11. lunaKM

    It sounds more like our boyfriend uses the collar to signify playtime, not a relationship, per se. Collars run the gamut of all sorts of meanings, from permanent commitment to playtime signal. If you are wondering what it means to him, you can talk to him about it.

  12. annabell

    My puppy is a lil vanilla and Im hoping to inform him since I am pretty into this world and I want make sure he understands before just agreeing to things from me.

  13. JacobS

    After many years of being told by my dominant that he would eventually collar me, last night he told me it would never happen. So after working and building toward this after years to find out that I was expecting something that can never be hurts. I was grateful for his honesty last night, and sad it is not what we both want but now I am wondering what to do next. He is still my dominant, but I want a dominant that will collar me some day, and I am still very close to this one and don’t want to lose him so my heart is virtually torn. I am in pain from this today and can’t seem to find the joy in it now. :-(

  14. Hispet

    I’m so sorry. You sound absolutely heartbroken. I always wanted to be my dom’s girlfriend, but, he told me last night he could see making me his collared slave but, I didn’t know what that meant. I’m still not quite clear. He’s in love with another woman, I don’t understand how this is supposed to go. Does he still get to to date whoever he wants?

  15. lunaKM


    If you need love in your relationship then it sounds like this might not be the right arrangement for you. Talk to him about what it would mean to be collared to him, what he’d expect from you and if he’d still get to date whomever he wanted. Make sure that everything is clear before agreeing to anything. If you don’t agree with some of it then it might be time to re-evaluate the relationship and you place in it.

  16. HGG


    Every relationship is different because every person and their needs are different. If what you need from a Dom is to be his one and only, and he insists on dating someone else, that’s not going to work. He doesn’t just get to “date whoever he wants” just because he’s a Dom. Despite the roles you play in, you don’t have to put up with any situation that makes you uncomfortable. Now, that being said, there are many cases where two people will play in BDSM but don’t become romantically entangled, and that can work for them. However, if one partner has romantic feelings and the other doesn’t, it will come painfully crashing down one way or another sooner or later.

  17. Whit.

    Lol my master…. Always keeps the collar on me… But I can’t take it off only he can…. And I will always belong to him … Our “journey” never ends… And he said it shows that he owns me …. So yes unless he lied to me again /~\ but he has every right to lie to me cus he is my master and I have to tell him the truth…

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