Mentoring, self-help and submissive exploration

lunaKM has been a full-time slave in an M/s relationship for over 10 years. She is the founder and editor of Submissive Guide. Learn more about her here and connect with her on lunaKM.me, Twitter, Google+, FetLife.

25 responses to “Are You Cut Out to Be Submissive?”

  1. Seymore

    i think its good in a relationship if partners switch from dom > sub… my g/f is usually the dom, but i dont mind ;)

  2. Sexperts

    I think with self-discipline, even the most resistant woman could become submissive. It just might take more work (both on her part and her dominant’s), but it could be done. If she has the desire to be submissive, eventually she can learn. However, people with the traits you described who are also not interested in changing them, might very well turn out to be bad at submitting.

  3. herproperty

    I wish to be able to become fully submisive but alas I dont think it is a goal i will fully achieve as I beleive that I have to much dominance to overcome. I have traits of selfishness, bratness, self consciousness, resistance and although I try to suppress them i find that I can not. I am left with the question am i a sub or do i have what it takes to become fully submissive. I would like to think i could as it has been my dream for so long but now it is being put to the test for real it is so much more profound than I could have ever invisaged, the emotional termoil is quite something to have to deal with. But I havent given up and i am proceeding with the journey in the hope that i can come to terms with these negative emotions and grow as a person and learn to be able to submit fully.

    Wow this does get deep doesnt it :)

  4. MissKitty

    Question I have refers to playfulness vs bratty behavior. I agree with you based on your personal take on what bratty behavior is, however wouldn’t it depend on time and place, if respect is maintained or not. Does playfulness become the alter ego of bratty behavior in the right scenario? I have the utmost respect for my King (as he prefers I refer to Him). When He requires of me to be serious or contemplative I take Him seriously and perform to my utmost power to please. However by nature I am a playful, fun loving, generous, and sometimes devious or bratty little girl. Which he adores. I keep an upbeat home and approach to my relationship with my King. Even within our D/s lifestyle we both tend to be bratty and playful with one another, yet I maintain respect and deference to my King at all times. So I’m wondering if what you refer to as being bratty is really just acting up and being disrespectful, or not following the structure of the relationship?

    1. Rachel

      I have crossed this line a couple of times. I’m quick witted, playful, verbal, and occasionally vindictive. I catch myself saying things like shut up, or can’t you just do it yourself when I forget I just barely taught my master to use the can opener because he asked me to. That’s when I’m being bratty, when I’m being playful is during bedroom play and I ask him to make me. Master loves it then it’s worked out to be playful.

  5. maeve

    In discussing this article with my Master, he made an observation. Through his experience 90% of domineering people are compensating for security and trust issues. They don’t feel safe submitting so they over compensate. When in fact they are naturally submissive the just haven’t found the right Dom in their lives. I am the perfect example as I was always that way until him. He said “the perfect slave is an imperfect slave.” Because if you’re too perfect it becomes boring. A little petulance goes a long way in keeping the spice of life.

    1. dr ezekiel

      But what if the dom is just compensating for his own security and trust issues? Seems a little suspicious he would think of that immediately. Unfortunately the dynamics of d/s haven’t been studied enough, although this behavior isn’t necessarily harmful.

  6. slave2PJ

    i’m new so by no means am i an expert, these are just my opinions based on where i’m at right now…
    i believe i’m naturally submissive. i went thru quite a journey before, by pure chance, i discovered what was “wrong” with me; being that there is nothing wrong withme for finding enjoyment in doing things for others. Depending on who you ask i am: polite, thoughtful, affectionate, friendly, well-behaved/obedient, needy, insecure, and yes, even a bitch (but only if i feel threatened). i’ve been loved, i’ve been hurt, i’ve been raped, i’ve been called a whore… i am shy, i am extraverted… i am happiest when i please someone, i am saddest when i’ve dissapointed…
    i believe being submissive is as complex as being any other personality… to live as a submissive is to be able to be true to yourself, to not lose your ‘self’ while living to serve someone else…. other submissives may feel a connection to nature, a sort of balance when they are serving, some may serve because they like feeling controlled, (personally, when i am controlled i feel i am loved, cared for)… for me being submissive it is all the above and more… being submissive is how i show my love and appreciation…
    it is really hard for me to answer this in a nicely packaged answer: being submissive is simply how i love…

  7. Shelly

    How does a submissive learn not to be passive/aggressive?could both a Dom and a submissive give me some idea’s and /or their opinion . Thank you.

  8. His beloved

    Personally I think you may have forgotten lazy behavior. As a year old in my submissive relationship I can honestly say lazy is never acceptable. I don’t mean lazy as in house work but lazy in general. I am talking about the ladies and gentlemen who agree for the sake of agreeing even when they don’t have the heart to do xyz. Because they may not want to explain themselves. Or the people who won’t use a safeword because they feel they may be challenged to discuss it. Or the ones who may be given a task and either half ass it or only do exactly what is required but they don’t necessarily go the extra step.

    Another thing is stubborn behavior, you have met them. The sub who thinks A when s/he was told B. And then they go to their journal and complain or their mentor and say how horrible Sir or Maam is for not listening. But they were already told their idea is not going to work. Or they must have the last word or they will nit pic this argument to death because they know they are definitely right. I am not saying they are always wrong but some things are just petty and this seems to be a problem with the under 21 submissive more often then not. But then these are my opinions.

  9. Karo

    I just recently given my trust to my Dom. I have seen him twice and both time were amazing but left with a bunch of conflicting feelings. I am a survivor of life, what I got in life I had to fight for it. It is very hard for me to let go of the selfishness right away. I tend to go back and forth on my desire to please and be pleased. I like the first comment wanted to have it all. Being worshipped and given encredible sex. I am finding out that there is an emotional toll too. My values are shoking together but my heart is set on My Mister. Something about him just makes me want to serve him, no matter what I get out of it. I am still confused as I was in an abusive relashionship before so I am really affraid to find the same type again. But also I want to know more about all psychological aspect of what I need to work on in order to fully submit to him because I want to. I love how he just tells me how good I have been and how I have please better then his expectations…It is why I am falling for him hard.

  10. mmarie

    I am just now beginning to realize that I want to be a sub. Whether or not I am cut out for it is another story. I am a “do-er”. I have had to fight for everything I have. But my husband of nearly 10 years is the one person I find I want to do everything for. We have read some “fiction” like Story of “O”, and that is what started this idea about 3 years ago. We have never acted on it to its potential with the exception of in bed. But I long for him to discipline me, reward me, tell me what he wants me to do in all ways. For me, it just seems like the right way to love him. Where do I/we begin? More importantly, how do I begin? I don’t want to be perfect, I just want to please him.

  11. char

    Im a Dom who felt so guilty about my dominant feelings I tried to fantasize about being a sub. It never worked lol, I’m now happy with what I really am.

  12. Missy Lovesit

    I am a very independent woman, but I will give everything I have and then more to please my Dom; that is how I show him I truly care. And he in turns provides me with everything that my life is missing!

  13. debbiesnak

    I have dabbled with an ex into being submissive and enjoyed bondage even spankings. As I get older I am finding myself wanting more of a BDSM lifestyle and would love to find a Dom. The relationship I have been in for 10 years has become sexually non-existent. I read a great deal of erotia and books on BDSM. The more I learn the more I crave. Being 50 something and a Grandmother coupled with 60 extra pounds and feelings of inadaquices make letting go difficult. How would someone like me go about finding a D/s relationship?

  14. Elisha

    I really need help. I’m married and I’ve never been in a dom/sub relationship but I think I am a sub. I’m always in control and in charge of every aspect of my life and that of my husbands because he seems to forget stuff, lose things, and on a whole not very assertive. It’s made my marriage very difficult because I want him to control our life and relationship.

    I’ve requested him to be more dominating for me and mentioned my needs for him, but he said I was weird and that it was unhealthy for me to feel the need to be controlled. I’m so tired of being the foundation. I don’t know how to tell him what I need anymore without him thinking I’m a bad person. I feel so guilty because I want to try a dom/sub life with my husband but he thinks I’m just a horrible person for wanting it. I don’t know what to do.

    1. Rachel

      Okay, start with writing down your direct goals! If you got completely discouraged, and lost after one conversation with your husband you have a concept of what you want, not the day to day understanding of it. I like my BDSM relationship not only because I’m controlled, but because of things my master and I do, like creating a budget on the first of the month so we agree without exception to pay all our bills. It means no fights, little stress, and it’s productive time we spent together. I surprise my master with little notes on history, news stories, and science fiction books around the house BECAUSE IT PLEASES HIM. And well, it’s something I can afford to do with breaking the aforementioned budget. As for the sexual aspect start small, ask about him about his fantasies, and then surprise him with them, if they aren’t totally what you want and you resent that you’re missing the point of giving control over to your master. Full time submission is about creating an expected, consistent set of rules, giving trust, being cared for and feeling secure, and RESPECTING your master.

  15. Angelic

    My husband and I are trying a Dom/sub relationship. I can’t seem to let go completely. Any advice?

  16. Michael

    I loved this article! Well done and very insightful. It has been my experience as a master that as a master I have accepted a lot of responsibility in acquiring and owning a submissive. She relies on me for many things and has to be shown that i will deliver on those things which create safety for her. When we first entered into the relationship she had learned many bad habits from her former master such as challenging her master and fighting the submissive role at times. But, as the master it is my responsibility to show and teach her that I am the alpha male; while at the same time create a safe environment where she knows it is okay to be totally submissive. It took some time and some hard work but she has exhibited those bad habits in a year. So as a master, it is my experience that we accept much of that responsibility.

  17. Kat

    Well, i just came across this article..i was curious and read it.. I don’t know what to feel though.. I mean, I am selfish but when my bf gets to the point and makes me realize that my selfishness is not good it just diminishes. And well, i’m not manipulative also,nor bratty. My bf is strict, he’s a control freak. it even suffocates me sometimes but still i stay. Though sometimes i deliberately disobey him,he gets mad but sometimes has the decency to not punish me. Its hard to explain but i do like it when someone is taking control. I feel safe and its comfortable. So does this means i’m or i am cut to be a sibmissive?

  18. Ayalin

    I truly love this opinion. thank you for putting the most precise words out there. you helped me tweak my traits to tailor make to my Master and Im very thankful. the rewards are amazing for giving yourself completely

  19. John

    As a gay man I identify as an exclusive bottom meaning I never top. I understand that being a fucking bottom is completely different to being a personality Sub but I want to make the transition but I’m afraid because I was in a very abusive relationship with a guy for 5 years who was an exclusive Top. He was violent & he would hurt me at times sexually, physically, mentally, & emotionally. I’ve leant a lot of lessons throughout my life but there is one major lesson I need to learn. I want a Dom that will respect me. I’m not talking about monogamy just a Dom that will look after my mind, body & soul. A Dom that will tie me up, fuck me, spank me, & set out a list of duties for me so I can learn PATIENCE. I’m not selfish & I’m not bratty. I just want to be good human being for myself & for others.

  20. Kyle

    Luna,
    I liked how you wrote about “the gift”.
    My Dominance fulfills a need like your submission fulfills, but the goal for each is the giving.
    Well said!

    Kyle

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