I’ve always believed that safewords are only good if you know how to use them. Good ole communication is great for things like numb limbs, an itch you can’t reach or a bathroom break. Submissive Guide is here for novices and it’s always good to teach about safewords and recommend that you have one.
In every beginning BDSM book you will find information on safewords. On this site I have an essay on safewords. What I’ve read recently from Emma is some very obvious news about safewords that most people don’t pick up on their own and never share with others. Well, I’m going to share it with you.
Protect Your Safety
In a play situation you need to establish trust with your play partner. If you choose to play with a relative stranger you are putting yourself in danger of not having your safeword respected. Safewords can not protect you from someone who intends to do you harm. No matter how many times you shout ‘red’ in a dangerous situation a predator will not heed. Just like a stop sign, it only works if drivers obey the law and actually stop. The trust that is needed in a relationship is what makes a safe word really work for you.
Don’t ever expect your safeword to protect you. I’ve read horror stories where a submissive said she thought her safeword was all she needed to stay safe. A lot of the BDSM play we engage in is inherently dangerous and risky (even if you believe in Safe, Sane and Consensual). A verbalized stop word is not going to make you any safer.
It Starts With Trust
You can not have safewords without trust. As you’ve read and hopefully understand now a safeword is a false blanket of security. Building trust with your partner is all about open, honest communication and respect. How do you build trust?
The answer is acceptance.
Once you accept your partner for who they are then your trust will come right along with it. Sure that means you need to accept yourself first and we are always hearing about that, but in this article we are building trust in our partner so that if we choose to use safewords they will work.
Negotiate, Negotiate, Negotiate
Every relationship starts somewhere, even the quick and casual play partners are relationships. I can’t stress enough that you need to communicate and share your needs and desires in order to get them. Doing this also includes requesting and agreeing on a safeword if works for you. Even if a Dominant doesn’t believe in safewords, a negotiation where a safeword is requested should be honored.
Say ‘No’
In the worst situation imaginable where your safeword is being ignored, begin screaming ‘no’. Unfortunately this won’t necessarily make the person stop but it will give you some legal leverage later. Not all legal authorities understand or respect stop words, our safewords. They will ask if you said ‘no’.
Wrapping It Up
It’s not my intention to scare you or convince you that you shouldn’t have a safeword. I’m hoping that what you’ve learned is that you need to have more than a word to protect you if you plan to play.
Do you have any other advice about safewords that you’d like to pass on?
My name is lunaKM and I’m a full-time stay-at-home submissive in a D/s relationship.
I started blogging when I was exploring D/s online in 2003. I needed advice, mentors and helping hands. Since then I've made it my mission to help novice submissives understand themselves and the services they wish to provide. 
It’s also worth remembering that many submissives lose the power to safeword when in sub-space or just when overwhelmed. Lots of people lose the ability to judge for themselves where their limits are in that situation or are not able to form clear words (for those who regress during play). As a top I am aware that it’s more important for me to stick to limits previously set (and to obtain these limits from sometimes reluctant submissives beforehand) and to observe the person I’m playing with very closely and check in verbally and to stop sooner rather than later because there is always another time, if they say afterwards they wanted to go further, but you can’t take back going too far.
I would encourage all submissives to have self-awareness particularly in where limits or soft spots might be and to be aware that they need to know the person they are playing with will stick to them, rather than assuming they can just use a safeword.
Great article. My husband and I only play with each other, so the trust is inferred. But we still have hard limits, i.e. nothing around the neck/no breath play. He will often ask me during our play “Are you okay?” and will not continue until I answer. Sometimes, he will just slow down or stop the activity and later will tell me that he could tell I’d had enough even though I couldn’t have told him so at the time. I say all this to say that I completely agree that trust is so important. And so is learning to read your partner.
Thanks for all you do toward education for us newbies!
My advice would be to not only have a stop safeword, but to have three. I am in a D/s relationship and my partner and I have three safewords. One to stop, one to slow down, and one to move on to another activity. When we start play, he asks me what my safewords are so he knows that I am aware enough to be able to use them. We also use a non-verbal communication for when things get rough and I am deep in headspace. He will squeeze me two times, and if I am okay I will squeeze him back. This helps us know that we can proceed without interrupting play-time.
Marie,
Thanks for reminding me about the physical check-in. My ex- & I would do that during breath-play. Also I agree that 3 safewords are a good idea.
Marie, I like that idea, the three stop words (i have myself used slow down before) especially the one for move-along so to speak (may i ask what word you have? yellow and red are kinda obvious ones for slow down and stop.
I like your combinations -thanx for sharing! =)