Mentoring, self-help and submissive exploration

lunaKM has been a full-time slave in an M/s relationship for over 10 years. She is the founder and editor of Submissive Guide. Learn more about her here and connect with her on, Twitter, Google+, FetLife.

100 responses to “The Emotional Side of Sub Drop and Why It Happens More In Committed Relationships”

  1. Viernes

    Hi Luna,
    I am new to bdsm. My Dom is my BF who is also relatively new to the lifestyle. We limit it to the bedroom. It has not been too edgy for all I can tell. But sometimes after our sessions I feel like I don’t want any bdsm or any sex for some time. I feel fulfilled and lose all interest. I also question myself why I am so kinky, because it seems silly… Only to crave his control and hoping for my limits be pushed two days later. Is that a sub drop? Can a sub drop happen without reaching sub space or even intense pain?


  2. Shonnaye

    Thank Luna.. I’ve just recently got into a sub dom relationship and have been finding the emotions that come with it so intense.. it’s good to now I’m not alone in this.. He’s also new to being a dom nd it’s kinda like blind leading the blind

  3. Noname1

    My sub/husband says that they are “kind of experiencing sub drop.” Because we were supposed to have a session but then, we didn’t get the chance
    Is what they are feeling actually sub drop or just sad because I didn’t have time or the capability of full filling a play session?

  4. Allie

    My husband and I have both mentioned being interested in bdsm, but we haven’t really done any research on the subject. We know I would be the sub and he would be the dom. Every now and then when we have sex he’ll grab my hair tightly, if he’s behind me he’ll grab my neck and pull me up, or if either of us are on our back he’ll grab my neck and lightly choke me. Sometimes after intense intercourse where my neck, hair, or both have been grabbed, I’ll feel off or maybe kind of empty. I’ll sometimes just get the urge to cry, though I stop myself from actually crying because I don’t know why I would be crying if I did. Is it possible to go into sub drop of your not actually in a bdsm labeled relationship, despite the similarities sometimes?

  5. John

    My primary and I have been using your article, ‘The Emotional Side of Sub Drop’ and some articles concerning delayed sub drop to sort through some issues she/ we have been having. It has all been VERY helpful for both of us, but especially her. I was becoming concerned about her slips into moodiness/ depression and she was starting to think she was losing her mind (her words).

    Thank you very much for the information :)

  6. S.Rose

    We tried a serious form of edge play today. Everything was safe and appropriate. It was something we had talked about for quite awhile. We even laid together and cuddled after. Afterward though,not sure why,I started crying. It was an intense session. But I cried,felt sad and felt an intense need to both hide and not be away from him. Is this subdrop?

  7. LittleJ

    I finished our relationship a couple of days ago and in hindsight it was probably due to sub drop from the night before. We have been seeing each other in secret because we work together and over the few months since it started, it has become more intense each time, both physically and emotionally. He introduced a daddy / little dynamic and somehow that has made me become even more attached to him.

    He has commitments (whereas I Iive on my own) and he often has to leave pretty quickly after a bit of aftercare, which didn’t bother me at first, but on this most recent occasion it just left me feeling so low and so needy, which like others have said, is not even like me. He used to text all the time and set me tasks via text at work which I loved, but that’s fizzled out recently and I’ve been feeling neglected and depressed, more so after we meet. I told him and he rectified it temporarily, but he will never be able to give me the attention I need, and I think he’s come to realise that.

    The worst thing is (as we work together) I have to act completely normal around him every day. We both agreed that the lows were beginning to outweigh the highs and I told him we should not see each other or speak anymore, apart from about work. He half agreed and now we are in the no contact zone. It is so painful that I actually took painkillers this morning because I read somewhere online they could help to numb emotional pain (turns out they don’t)!

    Our only physical contact now is when it’s my drinks round at work and I pass him a coffee over the desk and our fingers briefly touch. Other that that we spend all day avoiding eye contact, not in a good way! I can’t tell whether this is anything to do with the sub / Dom dynamic and drop, or whether I would feel this way if our relationship had been vanilla.

    I can’t talk to anyone about this so reading your article and everyone’s comments is like therapy in itself.

    Thanks all x

  8. Janey Laney

    Relationships are painful without that dynamic, but I’m familiar with it. I’ve never had an emotional relationship where I wasn’t some kind of sub however much I didn’t realize it at the time. I think it’s just naturally painful, which might be the point. I don’t know I don’t get it. I want to talk about this seriously though because I think there’s something really wrong with me and I’m about to lose my mind. Just stop reading this if you’re not hard core into emotional masochism. My life, is not right. My childhood was bad, I don’t remember anything but flashes, but everything is the same as I’m sure you can imagine. The thing is however I try to vanilla things up in my mind, and I really want that, I can’t because I can’t come without thinking of some sort of extreme edge play, and it’s always been like that as far as I can tell. It’s all mental, except for the occasional one night stand because I can’t form any attachment to men whatsoever. Sometimes we can be friends, but if any romantic interest happens whatsoever I will either just vanish, or destroy and vanish, because I hate it. Realizing I
    ‘wanted’ to be humiliated and hurt was the epiphany of a lifetime for me, but really I don’t even think it’s true. I just want to stop. Anyways hope I didn’t ruin anyone’s subspace

  9. Virginia

    When a scene is called because I went to a dark place, I usually need a few minutes to re-surface. But as soon as I do, I turn to my Dom and make sure he’s okay. He’s a wonderful man who tends to feel terrible if something dark comes up (it frequently does…I have an interesting past). So I focus on thanking him and letting him know that I appreciate the opportunity to explore whatever it is that came up, and we cuddle. And suddenly it’s not just about me, it’s about us, and there’s a little light that comes into the dark place. I find that doing this is a good prevention of an extended sub-drop, and then he doesn’t get as much top-drop either.

    After a very intense play session I do a lot of self-care and self-appreciation the next day. That helps too. Sub-drop isn’t always terrible, sometimes it feels like a lingering depression, or I have that exhaustion I have when I get sick. But the self-care helps a lot.

  10. Kellie

    I’m very new to this life. ive known for a while that I needed this. I’m married. My husband is more submissive than I am I think as far as in the bedroom. It’s getting harder and harder to conceal that I can’t dominate him and he won’t take care of my needs. Out of curiosity, I asked about online domination. I’ve met a Dom that I really have a connection to. He’s experienced and patient. He doesn’t seem to be bothered that I’m married as he’s married too. We have discussed talking to my husband. Is there a good way to approach this? Also, from what I understand from the symptoms I could be experiencing sub drop. We started a punishment scene and he wasn’t able to follow up due to work issues. I guess that the nature of the online part of this. Now I’m left with all these emotions I can’t process. I feel hopeless, I’m depressed, I put myself down to him, I’m angry too which I don’t understand, and I could cry at any time. I need some advice. Do I continue this with him? Up until yesterday and today everything has been great. Yesterday he was angry (hence the punishment I was supposed to get) and he didn’t contact me for almost 24 hours. By the time he contacted me I was crying and depressed. I don’t think it’s intentional. Maybe I’m not communicating good enough with him. Is there something I can do for myself to help the sub drop? I know I’ll take a lot of heat over not having discussed this with my husband before I got into the D/s relationship. I’m feeling somewhat guilty and that may add to my issue. The truth is, my husband is way more concerned with himself. Please help me. Please.

  11. Tanya

    Hi Luna,
    I’m a recent subscriber to this newsletter and just found this article. This article resonated with me on a profound level. I have been in a D/s relationship for about 4 months now and one of my biggest struggles have been my own body image issues. After the first really intense bdsm session with sir I experienced terrible depression. I accused sir of terrible things such as using me or only being with me because he pitied me. The next time I was with him I was still angry and depressed and when he told me to strip I actually threw my clothes at him. Instead of the punishment I was expecting he simply made love to me and held me while I cried. After reading this article I realise I was probably suffering a severe form of sub drop.
    Thank you for your wonderful newsletter xxx

  12. Melissa

    I’ve never experienced sub drop before until lately and I’ve noticed that if I get the aftercare I need from my partner I feel almost none of the pain received from play other they some very very light soreness that’s usually gone by the end of the next day and even if I have bruises leftover they won’t hurt at all, but I noticed that if I don’t get the aftercare I need not only do I drop but I also feel all the pain I received during the scene twofold I will be so sore I can barely get out of bed the next day even if the play was light. If I was spanked my backside will usually be so tender I can barely sit. My whole body will ache for days and if I don’t get the needed attention soon after I drop even more and it can last up to a week and the soreness and pain can last just as long even if the bruises have already healed. Is this normal? I have never experienced a drop this intense but I notice it’s happening more and more frequently when I drop and don’t get care after

  13. Vanessahelsing

    I think I just had my first sub drop.after a confronting scene I felt really spaced out like I was stoned. My muscles were trembling and I was finding it difficult to focus or follow a conversation. Is that what they can be like?

  14. Autumn Musso

    Is it normal to feel completely confused after your first D/s experience? I feel like I finally got what I wanted sexually and emotionally for the first time ever, and I’m really flustered about why certain emotions and memories popped up. I’m rattled by why I loved being spanked that hard, talked to “like that…” my partner and I didn’t discuss a plan beforehand Although we both knew we wanted to play and how. We let things unfold minute by minute and kept an open communication during playtime. I don’t know how to naturally develop this dynamic without analyzing it to death. I feel like everything I thought I was sexually has been shattered into a million pieces by this experience. Talk to me!?

  15. Thetryingguy

    My Sub/wife is in a Sub drop and I’m not sure how to help. I feel like what she is experiencing is more like disappointment that Sub drop. She will love to live the life style 24/7 but we have a teenager at home, we both have to manage our professional careers and not every session is a total success for her. In this life style I’m not a quick learner. I don’t get the suspension knots as quick as others and we don’t practice often enough due to the circumstances already described. Because our careers and hubbies, we are tired at the end of the day which it makes it even more difficult to get started when time permits. Often Imake the wrong move like a yoke at the wrong time, a comment that is taken out of context or if i reclin on silence I’m misinterpret as well. How can I help me to help her? Any words of wisdom for me?

  16. Carolyn Ferreira

    I’ve been with my daddy for almost three months. We have intense online play sessions. He’s long distance but my part is very intense and I am feeling sad and jealous even though he’s been wonderful to me. I’ve been confused with my emotions. I do cry just after I orgasm but I just thought I was just so sensitive to the release I just experienced. Could I possibly be going through subdrop? Cause I’ve been getting into a funk about things. I just feel sad even though I know I shouldn’t.

  17. Abster

    Thank for this article. I am only 2 months into a d/s for the very first time and slowly learning. Sir is very patient with me and he says I am doing well. I experience subdrop after we are together but I didn’t know it was an actual ‘thing’. I feel so much better now.

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