photo credit: pangalactic gargleblaster
Predators and abusive Dominants are everywhere. I’ve seen them and been subjected to them in a casual relationship. Thankfully I escaped into a kind and loving relationship that I wouldn’t trade for the world. But how do you know the person you are with is an abuser and not just a strict Dominant?
I’m going to give you 10 Red Flags that can indicate you are with an abusive person. This is no where near an exhaustive list. There are many many more flags out there. See the list of other essays below if you want a more in depth article.
- Are you afraid of your Dominant?
- Do they threaten to leave or abandon you of you don’t submit?
- Do they threaten violence if you don’t submit?
- Does the Dominant give you expensive gifts to get you to do something you don’t honestly want to do?
- Have you gained or lost a lot of weight while being with the Dominant? (this does not include intended weight loss or gain)
- Do they make you feel guilty if you can’t or won’t do something?
- Does the Dominant make you feel ugly and unwanted?
- Have you ever felt like you have been raped after having sex with the Dominant?
- Do they ignore your needs, such as medical treatment, food or clothing?
- Have they ever questioned your loyalty when you question their behavior?
- (Yup, I could keep going…) Does your Dominant ignore your limits or safe words?
Other Warning Signs
There are many many more that can also be key signs that the person you are with is dangerous. Other essays about dangerous and abusive Dominants that I recommend reading are:
- Red Flags, Warning Signs and Intuition: Learning to Trust Your Instincts, Part One by Norische
- Red Flags by Turning Point.com
- Red Flags for Abusive Relationships by The Red Flag Campaign
- Eight Red Flags for New Relationships and Possible Date Abuse
- Do You Know The Red Flags by Dangers of Internet Dating
- Red Flags by Crisis Convention
- Playing and Staying Safe from Come Hither added 4/13/09
Where to Find Help
It is important that you find out for yourself and then get out. There are local and national agencies to help you get away safely and start your life over again.
I strongly support the National Leather Association – International Domestic Violence Project in their efforts to bring awareness of abuse in BDSM relationships.
If you are experiencing a domestic violence emergency please call 911.
If you need help or assistance with domestic violence please call the National Domestic Violence Hotline at:
1-800-799-SAFE or 1-800-787-3224 TTY
Stay safe, protect yourself and get out. You do not need to stay in an abusive relationship; especially with children.
My name is lunaKM and I’m a full-time stay-at-home submissive in a D/s relationship.
I started blogging when I was exploring D/s online in 2003. I needed advice, mentors and helping hands. Since then I've made it my mission to help novice submissives understand themselves and the services they wish to provide. 
I would also STRONGLY recommend that any submissive, whether a novice or an experienced sub, read the “Acid Test for Doms”.
You can either read the entire text of the “Acid Test” here:
http://www.askdollie.com/acid_test.htm
…or you can listen to the sultry-voiced Dollie Llama read the “Acid Test” on the “Submission and Coffee” podcast here:
http://www.askdollie.com/Submission-Coffee_12-25-07-AcidTestForDoms.mp3
I would also recommend that Dominates read/listen to the “Acid Test” as well.
patricialynn
Thank you for providing the acid test, I had been looking for that when I wrote the article and couldn’t find it. I too recommend everyone read it but as with all content online (including mine), take it with a grain of salt. Nothing we write is a BDSM Bible of should do’s and must notice’s.
i was in an abusive relationship prior to being with Sir now. he was always telling me, that if i dont do this or that you know whats going to happen. i was beaten badly by a doubled over gun belt. i couldn barely walk afterwards and suffered deep tissue bruises. shortly after that i ended it over the phone by voice mail. there is no excuse for abuse, nor can it be called discipline, as it was called by my abuser. i then met Sir, and a total difference. he is as loving as he is strict. he is so supportive of me. every single day he will call me his beautiful pet. he is building me back up slowly. as he has told me on several occassions, he will never have me do something that i cannot do. i am thankful every day that he found me.
I’m glad to hear you were able to get out of the bad relationship and into a good one; I’m just sorry to hear you had to go through what you did to get there.