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The Differences Between Bottom, Masochist, Submissive and Slave
January 19, 2009 by lunaKM [6,275 views]
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As a point of personal opinion I’d like to define the differences between very basic terms so that there is no confusion as to who I am referring to when I mention either of these terms. I write this guide in my perspective and provide my mentorship and guidance with these terms clearly defined for me. I welcome varying viewpoints in the comments so please feel free to disagree civilly and provide your own view.
There are several other names that can be ‘classed’ for the submissive role in a relationship. The ones I’m covering here are the basics. I am well aware of toys, pets, sluts, servants and many many other names. Please do not feel that I am not leaving you out, but for the sake of clarity and simplicity I am covering only Bottom, Masochist, Submissive and Slave.
Bottom
A bottom is the lower role within a play session. Generally the person does not submit outside of the agreed upon time that both parties are enjoying the physical aspects of play. Bottoms have more control over what happens in the scene than other submissive types.
Masochist
A masochist is someone who likes to receive pain for pleasure. They can be the bottom in a scene but the reason I gave it a separate designation is that there are Dominant roles that are also masochist.
Submissive
A submissive is someone that submits in a relationship either part of full-time. This can involve only in the bedroom play all the way to live-in service. A submissive generally submits only to those they are in a D/s relationship with and are respectful of others outside of it. A submissive has roles and rules and structure to guide their interactions with their Dominant and with others. Most of the time they still hold a veto card called the safeword.
Slave
A slave is a separate form of submissive. They hold no limits other than what their Masters give them. They can not refuse service to their Dominant. The argument has been going on since the beginning of time about the real differences and so I’d like to set up right here what I believe so that you can understand where I am coming from when discussions happen on this site. A slave is on a deeper more intense level of service than any submissive could work up to. If someone says they were submissive and became a slave, it is because they were always a slave and are now finally identifying as that. Becoming a slave is re-identifying yourself, not just a progression but an intensification of submission.
Feel free to share your thoughts in the comments! What name to do you rest well under?
photo credit honeyjew
28 Comments
Filed under Defining Submission
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I would be called a submissive and a slight masochist. To tell the truth I have know I was a submissive most of my ault life. But it is very hard to find a person you can trust with that part of your life. So either you let it out or you bottle it up a daydream about being free enough to let it out.
These things are really different. I don’t know how many times I will explain to a partner that I am a bottom and a masochist and I’ll think that things are properly hashed out and then he’ll say, “Alright, well we’ll start by having you call me Sir. When we go out, you aren’t allowed to wear panties.” Thanks for highlighting this.
I’ve seen it a lot; people tend to define the terms however they wish and don’t really call into question the actual dictionary definition or the common use definition of terms. Thanks!
i’m a slave. i always have been, but when i started in the BDSM scene 9 years ago i was not capable of going to that level of surrender. i was able to submit, but not surrender and that is the important difference i think. As for a bottom, i think its even more basic than that. A bottom is simply a person who likes to have things done to them, they don’t actually have to be submissive at all.
Thank you michelle for pointing out that a bottom (or masochist) does not have to be a submissive. I am a masochistic Dominant and I do bottom from time to time. I am in no way, shape, or form submissive. I have no desire or need to serve and I do not get a charge out of it the way I do out of dominating. But I do enjoy a good beating every now and then. I can usually find a Mistress to play with or a service top to top me when I get the urge to bottom. But it is strictly limited to the time I am on the cross or bench (for instance).
When I first got into BDSM it took me awhile to figure out just what I was. But after some deep introspection along with a period of time I eventually came to the conclusion that I am a dominant with a masochistic streak and not a switch or submissive in any way. I just like to be beat every once in awhile. And I understand that I am no where near the only one, smiles. I’ve been in the lifestyle for 14 years now so I am very secure in my station and what I am about.
Thank you luna for another perceptive article!
I am new to the whole scenario and i am being trained right now but by reading this i think i have always wanted to be a slave.
If you really want to be a slave, you can’t be a “brat”, like your screen-name implies. No real Dominant or Master will have patience for it. i’ve spoken to, and played with many Lifestyle Doms, besides having been collared, and none find brattiness amusing or attractive in Their subs.
You really shouldn’t judge people by their usernames. I personally know many submissives that are bratty and their Dominants love it up. Every person is different and even though you have interacted with Dominants that wouldn’t find it attractive does not mean there aren’t ANY Dominants that would enjoy it. So, please keep gross generalizations out of your opinion. Thank you.
i’ve been in the lifestyle for a few years now and would always tell my Dom that i was a sub. It took the right man and my now Master to bring me to the point that i can honestly say i’m a slave. i think it takes finding the right person, the one you know you can trust with your life to get the sub to surrender to that point.
gentle and warm greetings,
Having come into this lifestyle some 10 plus years ago….still veritable new at it therefore, wind considers none of the above as her “box” so to speak that she fits into. wind is a both online and realtime trained Gorean kajira..who had her humble beginnings as a BDSM Domme…found herself in and amongst the company of those who identify as Goreans and shed her mantle of self deception to be trained to hone her already strong fires of a kajira.
wind has lived this way of life both on and offline, and finds subtle and sometimes not so subtle nuances between the gorean kajira and the BDSM slave or submissive, most pertaining to the ethos of Gorean life as opposed to the actual book by book reading (although also in invaluable tool) It is a difficult but very personally rewarding path for this girl.
What is a Gorean kajira:
A kajira serves her Master with pride, her submission comes from deep within her soul, it is also part of her heart. A true kajira will kneel in front of her Master and surrender not only her body, but her mind, heart and soul. She belongs to him completely, totally and unconditionally. This goes well beyond trust, a kajira must have integrity, loyalty, honesty. For without those values you have nothing, but with them you have everything.
she must unquestionably strive to please her Master, his word is law.For wind this striving is natural and does not have a timeclock ticking what hours she will do so….this girl is “on” so to speak in all she thinks feels and does, for her Master is her primary duty..and joy in her life, her reason for lack of better terms.
a Master will protect you, nurture you, guide you. He will punish you, but not with hate or cruelty, but with love and caring to make you strong and special. True kajira are valued property, because with all of their heart they want only to bring their Master great pleasure. She does this with the beauty of her serves, the pride in which she wears her kolar, and continuously works on ways to please her Master.
A kajira must never dishonor or bring dishonor to her Master, anything or anyone that is His or within His Circle, other Masters, Mistresses and Dominants and above all.. her collar. If ever a Master has her serve anyone else, you must do it with the same pride and love you show for your own Master. A kajira is different from a slave, anyone can be a slave, but onlyfew are *true* kajira’s. They live in exquisite beauty and absolute obedience not out of fear of reprisal but out of joy and fire of service..and therein in winds opinion lies the exquisite beauty. a kajira knows, accepts and yes even takes pride in her place as a kajira whether owned or unowned but that pride intensifies one hundred fold once she is in the hands of her Master.
There are as many different ways to serve as there are Masters and Mistresses as each one has different needs, desires and preferences as to the way They wish to be served. So the Gorean slave must be flexible. The Free.. or in other words other Masters, Mistresses, Dominants must be served in the manner that they request, as long as it is within that kajiras Master’s way for her. Therefore it is beneficial for the girl or boy to learn her Master or Mistress inside and out.This in and of itself is a sublte form of taking the focus off the slaves whims and will to focus solely on that of her owner..a good kajira will always have her Master or Mistress first and foremost in all she does from running errands to serving at a high protocol dinner..she represents Him at all times even when He is not present. the kajira must be be able to know just exactly what is pleasing to Them. Slaves should be respectful and dutiful in the presence of any Free individual it is what is expected of them and what is good for them as upon Gor Free citizens literally hold the power of life and death over a slave. And all Slaves are considered responsible for serving all Free People in a pleasing manner at all times. There is no room for a bad day or for PMS on Gor. Excellence and perfection in a slave is the goal, not whining and complaining. A slave should always be in good spirits and prepared to serve upon demand and be happy to do so. As a slave you are just that a slave…PROPERTY. Slaves have no rights , they have nothing not given to them by a Master. Not even a slave’s name is their own and can be changed at any time at a whim. Although some Masters and Mistresses may ko lar a slave and reserve him/her for Their private use, this doesn’t mean that the slave is no longer required to be pleasing to all Free People at all times.
In the presence of a Free, a Gorean slave kneels at all times unless serving or commanded to do other wise. A Gorean slave always addresses all Free Men as “Master” and all Free Women as “Mistress” even if they are not owned by that Person. A Gorean slave is humble at all times. She/he does not bargain, debate or argue. A slave does not expected to be rewarded and takes the greatest pleasure from pleasing and providing service. A Gorean slave cannot have “honor” but is expected to have integrity, loyalty and to serve all to the best of her/his ability. A Gorean slave accepts punishment and discipline without complaint. A Gorean slave is always looking for something to do or someone to serve. When a slave fails to understand a command given he/she askes politely for it to be clarified. The kajira will always find ways to make herself useful….when not in direct service, be it doing chores, cooking, cleaning and preparing.
The kajira MUST always remember that every action, every word, every look should be pleasing to all the senses. A Gorean slave’s collar entrusts them to carry the honor of their Owner and the slave and the slave alone can make the weight of that collar as light or as heavy as they wish it to be.
A true Gorean Slave feels the desire to be pleasing in her “belly” and a karija’s belly is the core of her being. If she is true she loves her Master or Mistress with unconditional love, she submits herself to them completely and trusts them explicitly. She is happiest when she is in their presence and aches for them when they are not. A true karija lives to serve and serves to live.
That is winds’ definition of the differention between a kajira and a slave and she thanks the site for allowing her to post here.
respectfully posted,
wind
Winddancer, with permission from your Master I would like to talk with you/him about the Kajira lifestyle. I am with a woman that claims she is TRUE Kajira and wants this as our life. I am having a few issues with her and need to know more about this. Can you help me? I don’t wish to post my email address here but if there is some way to contact you that would truly help me. Thank you
Tommy, you can find winddancer on FetLife if you’d like to track her down to get permission to talk to her. It is unlikely that they will come back to this post’s comments to see if there are any directed at her.
i am very new to this but i think i am a sub. i recently was in a sexaul D/s role and Master gave me a safeword to use, although i never did. Master did noice when he thought i had enough and held me close after being untied and told me it was ok to cry. is this sub or am i being trained to slave but just don’t know it?
Abigail,
I’d not worry about the names of roles until you can identify yourself. From your comment above you are so new that you can’t place yourself in a role and that’s normal. Enjoy what you are exploring and learn everything you can. One day you will wake up and be able to identify as one of the names above; until then, don’t worry about it.
Your description of a playtime with a safeword is basic bottoming. All submissives/slaves that are into sexual D/s would play in that role. Let yourself go and don’t worry about where you fit in yet. You have a long road of self discovery ahead before that.
I am very new to the Dom/sub role and am a little overwhelmed at times with it. I would greatly appreicate any advise or input that anyone would like to share. I am like a spounge and will soak up anything thrown at me. :)
I have discovered this side of myself a little later in life and have some patterns that I need to work on.I am very dominate outside of the scene and it is something I struggle with. My main thing is trying to balance my natual aggression in and out of the bedroom. I am a bit of a wild child in the respect that I say things before I think about them and act in ways that I should not. And I am soooooo greatful to have found your website to answer my questions and not have to tie up my Dom’s valuble time. He is always patient and good about answering anyting that I ask but feel this is something I need to find on my own so I can serve him to the best of my ability.
Thank you for allowing me to post and I hope to get some feedback that will help me be the sub that I know I can and want to be.
It’s understandable that you have struggles and desires to change your behavior. We all have things we’d like to work on, no matter how much experience you have. I’m certain that if your Dominant wishes to have you change your behavior outside the bedroom then he will work with you to achieve that.
One of the things I commonly say when Master asks me about something that I need to work on I try to internalize it by saying, “I’m working on it.” And I really am. I catch myself saying before thinking and stop or I catch myself being dominant and I stop. It takes a conscious effort for me to change but I know that I can.
Good luck and I’m happy you feel that you can get answers to your questions here.
The original article states: “A slave is on a deeper more intense level of service than any submissive could hope to work up to. If someone says they were submissive and became a slave, it is because they were always a slave and are now finally identifying as that.”
This appears to be a contradiction, and I am interested in a clarification.
Either a submissive *can* “hope to work up to” being a slave, or a submissive can’t. The first sentence says they can’t. But the second sentence relabels the person after the fact – this is a fallacy. When the person in the second sentence was still self-identified as a submissive they (obviously from the second sentence) could have “hoped to work up to” being a slave because in the end, they became a slave.
From my perspective, the labels we use are self-identifying labels. There are no hard and fast rules. That said, there are certain connotations that are connected to the terms. For the most part I believe the article is on the right track (other than the logical fallacy I’ve indicated). A “bottom” operates under an internal locus of control. They may or may not choose to submit, but their role in the scene is defined by their passive/receptive actions. A “masochist” derives pleasure from receiving pain, and is not limited to a specific D/s role. And a “submissive” is someone who willfully chooses to surrender their locus of control to another party.
The depth of submission, as I perceive it, is dependent on the interaction between the submissive and the dominant. Once the submissive has willfully chosen to surrender their locus of control, that surrender must be accepted and acted upon by the dominant to complete the “power exchange.” Through the interaction between the parties the receptive partner begins from a state of “willful submission”, goes through a gray-zone period of “transitional submission” where the locus of control fluctuates back and forth between the partners, and depending on the skills of the dominant and the flow of the encounter, the submissive reaches a state of “responsive submission.” In responsive submission the submissive participant is operating on an external locus of control – the dominant’s internal locus of control.
This state takes a great deal of energy to maintain. It has been described as a blissful state, and commonly has a time compression assigned to it. This state of being has also been described (and you can find a plethora of information and misinformation “out there” on it) Sub-Space.
But it is important to acknowledge that one does not stay in this state. This “deeper level” of submission is not a sustained state. In fact it might be very unhealthy (due to internal chemical imbalances that accompany that state of being) to remain in subspace or responsive submission for an excessive period of time – even if you could maintain it.
Folks gotta sleep sometime. And the ethical side of the power exchange is that at some point, in some form, the power is gracefully returned. It can flow in one general direction, but it must cyclic. Otherwise it becomes parasitic and unhealthy.
As for slavery, the term carries a lot of cultural baggage. But it is fairly commonly used today (particularly in this subculture) to indicate a deep commitment in the relationship. There is no one-true-way to “do” slavery. In your form of slavery there might well be safewords. In your form of slavery there might be periods of willful autonomy (self-directed decision-making from an internal locus of control). In your form of slavery your limits might match your master’s limits, and there may be no need for an agreed-upon safeword, or carefully negotiated express limits. But that does not mean that if the slave experiences genuine unhealthy distress that she cannot end the encounter (scene, arrangement, relationship, etc).
There are certain inalienable human rights attributed to citizenship in Western mainstream cultures, that no matter how romantic it may be to pretend to relinquish, remain legally bound to the individual.
Abuse is still abuse. Help is still available. Laws of the land still apply. These privileges can not be willfully surrendered to another human being. They are already under the control of an external force – the governing body that accepted you at birth or by ritual, protects you and holds you responsible as a denizen, and granted you your nationality.
So for the sake of discussion on this – website – it is defined by the original author of the article that a slave is a deeper form of submissive. I believe that is a valid statement. But, gentle reader, be informed of what you buy into when you begin to define yourself by other people’s labels.
I wish you all well
MsKestrel, slave to Jay Wiseman
It appears that I may have just used words inappropriately. I did mean that submissives can ‘become’ slaves in the way of working up to it. I do feel that submissives and slaves are not quite the same and that you are either one or the other (and I say this as my Master tells me my role is between submissive and slave). People can identify as submissive and then change to slave, but that’s because, in my opinion, they were always a slave and just embraced the full identity of that. In essence, yes, they worked up to it. [I'm going to alter the post to reflect a clarification.]
I’ve tried so many times to see the viewpoint of a slave isn’t a type of submissive and just can’t agree which is why I wanted to define these here so that as I write more posts there can be an understanding of the definitions.
Thank you so much for your comments they have a lot of wonderful information for people to understand.
luna,
I agree that sometimes people that ‘become’ slave were always slave-minded. At least it is true for me. Let me just give a little history by way of explaining. When I petitioned my Master in the beginning we took on a total power transfer, I relinquished all rights (through my own agency, understanding the laws of the land, as they are, and choosing not to exercise the freedom I was born into) and my only limits were those provided by him. Our relationship was steady and strong through many years and then began to go through a rocky patch. Outside situations and dramatic life changes drew us away from behaving as we always had, and while I still felt an extreme desire to serve him it was not always happening. These were extreme circumstances.
I am happy to say we have now come full circle and through personal trials have perservered! Because of this, what we do now, feels like starting over in a way. I am not ready to surrender on the deep level that we left things at where I had been conditioned and trained and nurtured to do so. But, I know that is in me and that no matter where we have been I have always been a slave (as I know it!) at heart. I find myself yearing to give up any limits, but it is the fear that holds me right now. Each day I move closer to the slave I once was, because I believe that I cannot lose something that is inherently part of me. He is patient and takes me along slowly, but I am already there in my heart and soul. I simply have to catch up on a physical and intellectual level!
hello, I am a slave and always have been at least mentally. I am in a differant situation then I have seen written about. I am a slave to my Master, My master wanted me to be feminized and after many years I have developed to become completly feminine to him. Master is Bi but prefers females. I wait on his every need and am always dressed as Master wishes. Master has forbidden me from having sexual release Master says slave do not deserve or need it. I had been in chastity 24/7 for years until the hormones kicked in. I am now a 44B cup and unable to get eections which is the way Master wants it. During this time Master would bring beautiful females home or for the weekend and I am to watch and serve. the females are my superiors and I do as they say, per Master. I had time when I was so close to disobeing my master that I told him and received punishment for thoughts of ever having a female. He is good to me in that he has a Gay friend come in and milk my prostate monthly. I must repay the friend by sucking him off and thanking both him and Master. This is usually done in pressance of master and one of his female lovers. Am I normal for loving this lifestyle? I havent read anyone tell of a master having a sissy slave to serve him.
thank you
Jenniffer
liked the point that a sub who becomes slave was always such and is just reidentifying as such after time.
slave westfalen
Hi, My boyfriend has recently explained to me that he wants me to hit him and humiliate him in bed. After research and common sense I presume he is a masochist. He tells me he wants to be my slave, however he is dislikes foreplay, so I don’t have the choice of giving him sexual orders, he has just asked me to hit him and call him names.
I was wondering if you have any tips or any references you might recommend?
He told me he knows he can’t be happy without it, and obviously I want to do this for him, but he seems to think you have to be “into it” anyway, and you should just ‘know’ what you’re doing, so as you can see, it’s hard for him to talk about.
Any help would be most appreciated, even if it’s just proving him wrong, because I know I can do it.
Thanks!
Emily,
If you want to do this for him, which it sounds like you do, you can learn to hit him. Whether or not you enjoy it, that’s the ‘into it’ factor. There are plenty of essays online (google) that will help you learn how to spank, and verbally humiliate him, negotiate more extensive playtime and get what you both want to be happy. Best of luck!
well lets see, i have beeen curious about the sub and dom life for some time. i know i get exited when i see a pic of a woman tied up and bound. and it turns me on to think that i would love to have someone take advantege of me and force sex on me in that situation. I am in a comitted relationship and told my partner the interest i have in it all. i am begining this part or at least would like to start experiencing this, i know i would enjoy being tied up and forced to have sex and spankings. i like for my guy to take total control and to do it the way he wants to and positions he wants to. i like to be choked and spanked.please help me define were i stand and my “title” as of now. and also how do i go about getting him to take more of a dominant role in this experience. i know he is willing, but we are unsure of were and how to start this new phase of our relationship. any comments would be greatly appreciated. thanks so much
nessjakes,
There is no need to pin a title on yourself at all at this point. Give yourself some time to explore and learn and when you feel comfortable with calling yourself one thing or another then that is the time to do so.
thanks so much. so is there any good reading material that you suggest that would help us on this journey. a beginners guide into this lifestyle, or how to understand the feelings and senses that go along with it. i know that it is more than just tying each other up and having our way with each other. and especially for me to help me understand more of the sub that i would like to become.
Here is a link to the recommended reading list that I have here on the site. I’m sure it will help you:
http://www.submissiveguide.com/2009/05/recommended-reading-submissives/