Mentoring, self-help and submissive exploration

lunaKM has been a full-time slave in an M/s relationship for over 10 years. She is the founder and editor of Submissive Guide. Learn more about her here and connect with her on, Twitter, Google+, FetLife.

34 responses to “5 Ways to Recognize Topping from the Bottom”

  1. luscious

    i am so blessed to have found this website and i truly respect the knowledge of lunakm. i wish i could know her in real time as a friend and mentor. not everyone is always going to agree with her observations or statements or ideas, but there is a better way of going about disagreeing than to attack her. the forum is for discussion, different points of views, experiences, opinions … speak your truths clearly and quietly, keep your words soft and respectful, disagree with her, even … but to attack her is unacceptable. she, on the other hand, is gracious enough to apologize that her articles, and attempts to guide and help ones like me, offended some. curb your tongues and speak to her with the respect that she deserves, the respect that she gives to you. take the things that you can use from this site, including her articles, suggestions, and ideas, and use the ones you can or are interested in. leave the rest … just like we all do with everything else we read, listen to, or watch. be respectful. personally, i love you luna. i love the videos, the viewpoints, the site, everything about you. thank you for your insights. and thank you for being there when i was searching for answers … you’re the best.

  2. C

    This is one of those issues for me that always just ruffles my feathers a bit. I don’t believe that I ever, *ever* completely surrender my right to say “no” — and I always sort of resent the implication that that makes me any less of a “real sub”. But holding onto that is part of what keeps these relationships safe and healthy. Sometimes you may not know you don’t want to do something until it’s happening — even if you’ve talked about it beforehand. Sometimes something that worked another night might not be working now. I’ve also been actually injured by a Dom, early on in my explorations, because I trusted him to be careful with my safety, and he wasn’t — but I was young and had read too many articles like this and didn’t think I had a right to stop him. A sub shouldn’t have to endure something bad-painful, harmful, or emotionally troubling just because they’ve been told they’re “doing it wrong” if they “contradict” their Dom’s wishes. I know you’ll say that not everything applies to everyone and all relationships are different, but honestly, I always find articles like this, phrased in this way, terribly irresponsible.

  3. Abby

    My Mastress loves it when I turn into a sass. He brags to his friends about what a Brat I am. Sometimes I wish I could be completely at his submission, however being a full time single mom really hinders having full play sessions. So the taste sessions that we do get usually entail alot of sassy to keep it fun and lively cause sometimes all we have time for is an “EXCUSE ME?!” *CRACK*

    That being said sometimes when we are in the presence of others and Im in submissive role I wonder if other people think Im “topping from the bottom” in a bad way.

    Also my Mastress is a Service Top/switch so He really likes it when I try to top him sometimes. He will even let me spank him sometimes. He likes the idea that he is training me to be a strong Top.

    I can see how you would not expect everyone to think that you are saying this is the only way or no way but for someone who just found this article through a link, and has no previous experience of your content I took it to be an all or nothing and that I was somehow inadequate. But after thinking about it and seeing what other people wrote, I might advise you to choose your words a bit more carefully, and include more types of roles a submissive could take on that everyone consents to. THAT being said I look forward to exploring your site. =)

  4. falcon

    …brand new to the site also..i admire the graciousness and sensitivity 0f Lunakm. i am so new to this life and yet have taken to it like a fish to good water. i laugh to myself now because i was chosen and casually watched by a Master that was attracted to strong female personality types. i entered, or rather was invited, into the relationship and proceded to run away and then come back for 14 months , the whole time being subtley trained and He being patient enough to really understand my conflicted psychology ( while of course me appearing fine to anyone else ) to wait me out. He introduced roleplay and spanked me and i realiised- i NEED MORE ! To His credit, he checked on the welts the next morning, but at that point i had come alive..This was only a month ago when all the cards fell open on the table..i rapidly started studying online and all the clues and the keywords fell into place. He knew i would figure it out and now…He endured a hell of a lot of me topping unwittingly from the bottom. The question here is now that i understand a little of what the heck is going on and that i am proud to be newly submissive to my Master, what will challenge me most ? Giving Him what pleases Him most on all levels or putting my desires on the backburner…any thoughts ?

  5. Stella Omega

    The pansexual BDSM community has focused on D/s to the exclusion of pretty much everything else.

    I am proud to be a dominant bottom and service top. That is to say, I know what I want to feel, and I appreciate people who can help me get that– likewise, I take great and profound pleasure in giving people the sensations they need.

    To get to this point has been a long journey; there is very little discussion of these dynamics that is not denigrating, and there is a general belief that women, especially, who want sensation must give up their power to someone in order to get that– or, possibly that being receptive sexually means being submissive, which is not true. I see some comments under this post that make me think that *some* of these women are feeling pressured into an inappropriate role.

    Although your post here has validity for people who truly understand themselves as submissive, and who can trust their dominants, there are many women who are NOT submissive, and who should NOT trust their partners. And this should be acknowledged.

    I would like to see an essay here that encourages people to explore other ways of BDSM in order to decide for themselves if they actually are submissive– or not.

  6. Stella Omega

    I did look, actually.

    I could find nothing that talks about bottoming as something that could be separated from submission. That’s why I left this comment.

  7. Stella Omega

    I would be honored to do that1

  8. passerby

    amgb, I second you. As I read this article, it seemed that the author got carried away with her idea of how a BDSM submissive should behave.

    Had the author just talked about what topping from the bottom, that would have been okay. However, she says, “the idea behind the term is to actually help submissives understand their role, and isn’t more than a faux paus,” and that is her making a judgement and implying that other than her own understanding of BDSM is wrong.

    At one time, the author says, “negotiating this in the beginning of the relationship is critical.” This line made me stop and question her experience in any human relationships. Neither any relationship, that lasts for a period of time, nor any human being stops changing. Because of that, this is an impossible idea unless the people in the relationship just want to throw away the relationship all together whenever one or the other behaves differently from the day they first decided to have a relationship. Anyone who’s gone through a healthy human relationship, including family relationship, understands that ‘growing old together’ means that together they change both physically and mentally and that it applies to every relationship.

    It’s a mistake for any guide to be this personal and emotional, but it looks like that the author doesn’t understand what is wrong with this article. I just hope that any novice, for whom this guide is obviously written, doesn’t fall for her ideal and fantasy.

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