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(8:14:10 PM) lunaKM: Welcome to tonight’s topic: BDSM with kids at home. Tonight we will be talking about how kids change your D/s dynamic, some discreet ways to continue with D/s in children’s presence, ideas to make time for play, and safety concerns with toys, discovery and nonconsensual exposure. (8:14:46 PM) lunaKM: I encourage everyone to feel free to volunteer information and questions at any time during tonight’s discussion as it will be for the betterment of everyone. I would like to be able to post a transcript of this discussion on the website, is this okay with everyone? (8:15:02 PM) Mira: Fine with me. (8:15:06 PM) morgaine: Fine with me (8:15:55 PM) lunaKM: Alright so first, a little poll. Who here has/had school age or younger children at home? (8:16:25 PM) morgaine: Mother of 4, only one high schooler left at home (8:16:26 PM) Mira: I do (8:16:38 PM) Mira: I have an 8 year old (8:16:56 PM) lunaKM: :) (8:17:17 PM) lunaKM: morgaine: Have you be in a D/s relationship throughout your children's growth? (8:17:28 PM) morgaine: No, just the last 2 years (8:17:43 PM) lunaKM: ok (8:18:00 PM) lunaKM: We all know that having children at home will change the D/s dynamic into a more discreet, bedroom-only sort of relationship. It can be done with a little pre-planning and awareness. (8:18:00 PM) lunaKM: What are the largest obstacles with D/s when kids are at home? (8:18:38 PM) Traveler66 left the room (quit: Quit: http://www.mibbit.com ajax IRC Client). (8:18:42 PM) Mira: For me it's the feeling of sponteneity and complete freedom to express myself when she is around. (8:18:52 PM) lunaKM: that's a good one (8:19:27 PM) morgaine: i think for me it is keeping my head in the game while trying not to serve too openly (8:19:29 PM) lunaKM: a lot of relationships, not just D/s ones express that they lose sponteneity when children enter the picture. (8:19:53 PM) Mira: But also, this journey has changed how I raise her. To a certain degree anyway. (8:19:55 PM) lunaKM: Another good one morgaine, keeping that mindset when you have a parent mindset pushed to the forefront frequently. (8:20:04 PM) lunaKM: How so Mira? (8:21:14 PM) Mira: Well, I was raised very Catholic. Very repressed. Very body conscious. She loves to be naked, as I used to as a child. But I don't inhibit her that choice, for instance. She can dance around naked if she wishes, as long as it's just at HOME! :D (8:21:30 PM) lunaKM: hehe (8:22:15 PM) morgaine: awesome mom! (8:22:19 PM) Mira: Also, self-exploration, even at this young age, I have seen her explore, and do not comment aside from saying... that stays at home also. (8:22:25 PM) lunaKM: morgaine: what sorts of things do you find yourself having to not do so openly? (8:23:12 PM) Mira: And thanks morgaine :) (8:23:28 PM) deemina entered the room. (8:23:30 PM) morgaine: the kids have commented on my "serving" dad, preparing his plate, filling his drink, etc...i try to be less obvious when doing it (8:23:32 PM) lunaKM: hi deemina (8:23:43 PM) deemina: hi :) (8:23:47 PM) lunaKM: what have you said in response to your serving him? (8:23:56 PM) morgaine: that it is common courtesy (8:24:02 PM) Mira: hi deemina (8:24:32 PM) lunaKM: which makes sense, husbands or the man of the house traditionally got served first and taken care of by the wife. (8:24:57 PM) morgaine: but it wasn't the way we acted before so to them it is "different" (8:25:05 PM) lunaKM: ahh, yes that makes sense (8:25:38 PM) lunaKM: Titles - Can’t use Master, is Sir okay? Teaching kids to use Sir/Ma’am instead of Mom and Dad when asking questions can help disguise your use of Sir. This has to be done from the beginning and not after children have gotten used to one way of doing things or they will ask questions. (8:26:09 PM) lunaKM: How do you address your Dominant? (8:26:35 PM) Mira: Sir is fine. I use sir. I think he prefers Master, but I have an issue with that myself so he has not pushed. Sir works well, even around my daughter. (8:26:54 PM) lunaKM: has she asked why you use Sir? (8:26:55 PM) morgaine: we got around that by giving each other "pet" names...he calls me "mi vida" which means my life and i call him "mi amor" my love, in our eyes those are our titles (8:27:11 PM) Mira: that's lovely Morgaine! (8:27:20 PM) lunaKM: that's a lovely way to do that (8:27:38 PM) morgaine: i thought so, it still has much significance but is more discreet (8:27:53 PM) Mira: And no she has not. I was raised in the UK, so it actually comes across as a formal address, which is how I say it with tone in front of her. In private, the 'Sir' is said differently. (8:28:11 PM) Mira: If that makes sense (8:28:15 PM) lunaKM: It does to me (8:28:20 PM) morgaine: me too (8:28:32 PM) lunaKM: deemina: Do you have children at home? Feel free to jump in whenever you'd like. (8:28:51 PM) deemina: I don't (8:28:52 PM) lunaKM: Collars - Discreet collars can be anything. Finding one that you know what it means and love wearing is all you need. It can be a ring, bracelet or anklet too. Think outside the box. As long as it has the symbolism of a collar, that’s exactly what it is. (8:28:59 PM) lunaKM: What is your collar? Do you wear one? (8:29:09 PM) deemina: i thought I'd still read though to get insights for the future (8:29:20 PM) lunaKM: That's prefectly welcome deemina :) (8:30:05 PM) deemina: so am reading while searching the internet for healthy recipies that aren't too huge on energy intake (8:30:19 PM) morgaine: i have two collars, a heavy leather one with d-rings for play and a silver box chain necklace with a engraved heart as my everyday (8:31:13 PM) lunaKM: what other things can be collars? (8:31:15 PM) Mira: Only have a play collar. I'm personally not keen on wearing a 24/7 collar, even though I feel owned yes. (8:31:31 PM) deemina: bracelets could be :) (8:31:53 PM) Mira: I've heard bracelets, anklets, pendants, etc. (8:32:20 PM) lunaKM: yes all very good options that aren't blaringly obvious. (8:32:21 PM) deemina: I guess something as plain as an ordinary looking every day thing (8:32:35 PM) deemina: but only us would know the true meaning (8:32:56 PM) lunaKM: exactly (8:33:00 PM) morgaine: i think anything that has the significance would work, i like my necklace because it keeps trolls away, lol (8:33:14 PM) lunaKM: hehe (8:33:16 PM) Mira: lol morgaine (8:33:21 PM) deemina: lol (8:33:28 PM) lunaKM: Playtime - Of course playtime has to be behind closed doors when when you children are not at home. There are quiet forms of play for paper-thin walls also. Plan babysitting, weekends away at a cheap hotel or to play when the kids are having stay overs at their friends. (8:33:44 PM) lunaKM: how do you work in playtime? Is this a challenge? (8:34:04 PM) bonimiss entered the room. (8:34:13 PM) Mira: hi bonimiss (8:34:21 PM) lunaKM: hi bonimiss (8:34:40 PM) morgaine: with our son being older it isn't as much, our playroom is on the second floor and he sleeps in the basement, we are fortunate (8:34:58 PM) Mira: All of those options. It is a challenge. For me certainly, because I can get quite loud at times. So weekends with the grandparents is pivotal. (8:35:16 PM) lunaKM: Gotta love the grandparents (8:35:21 PM) bonimiss: hi mira luna, everyone (8:35:23 PM) Mira: Indeed! :) (8:35:30 PM) morgaine: hi! (8:35:39 PM) lunaKM: What about getting together with another couple that needs private time (SM related or not) and do babysitting swaps. One night you watch the kids, the next time they watch yours.  It works best if the kids are around the same age, but it does work! (8:36:02 PM) deemina: i'd see this as a good idea :) (8:36:09 PM) Mira: That would work fantastically. Unfortunately, my work keeps me from making many of those types of relationships. (8:37:06 PM) lunaKM: How do you find time to play? The time between the kids bedtime and yours is a perfect time for adult talk, sex and play. What are some quiet forms of play/service that can be employed during these times? (8:38:27 PM) lunaKM: no one has any ideas? (8:38:34 PM) lunaKM: what about bondage? (8:38:43 PM) lunaKM: sensory deprivation? (8:38:49 PM) lunaKM: clamps and clips? (8:38:50 PM) morgaine: sensual massage? (8:38:52 PM) lunaKM: cupping? (8:39:00 PM) lunaKM: wax play (8:39:06 PM) lunaKM: fire play (edge play) (8:39:12 PM) bonimiss: gags i would think are very useful (8:39:16 PM) lunaKM: orgasm conrol/denial (8:39:22 PM) lunaKM: gags are very helpful yes :) (8:40:10 PM) Mira: Sometimes I am kept up very late in order to service play times. Quiet play includes some bondage, orgasm control/denial, also just forcing me to be quiet... which is a punishment in and of itself lol (8:41:28 PM) lunaKM: Service - Just changing little things you can still serve your Dominant special. If you make sandwiches, cut his different than you do the kids. Serve it to him first, pretend you are a waitress and announce the food’s arrival, “Your peanut butter and jelly sandwich with potato chips, Husband.” can make simple dinner serving more special. I know a couple of people who have and signals for asking to go to the bathroom or a cigarette (if they are controlled) and many other things. (8:41:41 PM) lunaKM: hrm, did some of that get cut off? (8:41:52 PM) Mira: Yes :) (8:41:52 PM) deemina: yes (8:41:59 PM) lunaKM: where did it stop (8:42:05 PM) deemina: cigarett (8:42:17 PM) lunaKM: go to the bathroom or a cigarette (if they are controlled) and many other things. (8:43:01 PM) bonimiss: I would think teens are so aware these days that it gets harder as the kids get older (8:43:11 PM) lunaKM: well that is definitely true (8:43:33 PM) morgaine: you would think, but he thinks that room is a meditation and wicca room, he stays far away (8:43:40 PM) lunaKM: lol (8:43:44 PM) Mira: Definitely serve him first. At my daughter's age, most of what I do seems normal to her and is unquestioned. (8:43:46 PM) bonimiss: very smart (8:43:49 PM) deemina: haha (8:43:49 PM) Mira: lol again morgaine (8:44:33 PM) lunaKM: what other service related things do you do (8:44:34 PM) lunaKM: ? (8:45:22 PM) bonimiss: I am ldr so i cant but I always wished I could prepare the bed (8:45:47 PM) Mira: whatever he desires. It changes because he's not a real micromanager. It fluctuates depending on the day. (8:45:51 PM) lunaKM: why can't you prepare your own bed in the same way bonimiss? (8:46:03 PM) bonimiss: last one in it, lol (8:46:08 PM) lunaKM: lol (8:46:11 PM) lunaKM: okay (8:46:12 PM) Mira: hehe (8:46:17 PM) bonimiss: but i guess i could, i stay up late (8:48:20 PM) lunaKM: Now, let’s move on to BDSM paraphernalia. Where do you keep your sex toys? Are they within a curious hand’s reach or are they locked away?  Everything has a place and everything in it’s place is a good moto to live by. Buy a lockable trunk for your toys, make the parents’ bedroom completely off limits to children. (8:48:59 PM) Mira: I have a locked storage room that's off the bedroom. (8:49:13 PM) morgaine: our playroom is kept key locked (8:51:05 PM) lunaKM: good plans, definitely (8:51:12 PM) lunaKM: what if you didn't have separate rooms? (8:51:35 PM) Mira: High high high up! (8:51:51 PM) morgaine: a trunk would definitely be in order, my kids are old enough to snoop (8:53:45 PM) lunaKM: what else do we want to cover about kids and BDSM? (8:54:15 PM) bonimiss: How do you handle it when the topic comes up perhaps from a tv show? (8:56:46 PM) lunaKM: anyone want to answer that question? (8:56:46 PM) Mira: For me, aside from the nuts and bolts of handling it in a non-traumatic way for her, has been just how much the D/s lifestyle has changed my perception of child-rearing and trying to raise a female who will feel comfortable within herself, her own sexuality, and be strong. No matter what vanilla or kink road she walks later. (8:57:15 PM) Mira: My daughter is really too young to understand any kink references in tv shows. I have no idea how I will handle it when it comes up heh (8:57:44 PM) lunaKM: how would you handle it bonimiss? do you know? (8:57:47 PM) morgaine: i have to say that my oldest son and his wife know we are in the lifestyle, the DIL is curious about the lifestyle and my son is adamant that if she goes to an event she does it alone (8:58:30 PM) bonimiss: Well i have presented it as just another variation of sexuality like gays, etc. That there is nothing wrong with it. (8:58:31 PM) morgaine: but she is always asking me questions, i can't ever see her as a submissive, i think it is just curiosity (8:58:45 PM) Mira: morgaine the way you put things is wonderful :) (8:59:13 PM) morgaine: thanks (8:59:18 PM) bonimiss: Case in point, Bones had an episode with pony play (8:59:46 PM) deemina: CSI had a few episodes where the investigation involved a dominatrix (8:59:57 PM) morgaine: oh, i remember the CSI ones (9:00:01 PM) deemina: one of the victims was involved in it (9:00:13 PM) bonimiss: Just today there was law and order with a very poor representation of submissives (9:00:51 PM) morgaine: i hate that.... (9:01:16 PM) bonimiss: ditto (9:01:57 PM) morgaine: the DIL was that way at first, her first question was "how can you degrade yourself like that?" (9:02:05 PM) morgaine: boy did she get an education! (9:03:10 PM) bonimiss: Too bad its not presented in schools fairly during all their sex education and tolerance classes (9:03:42 PM) deemina: I think it's because it's still not seen in much of a good way (9:04:03 PM) bonimiss: i agree (9:04:15 PM) morgaine: unfortunately the wrong people are educating a lot of the time (9:04:27 PM) deemina: I for one won't even dare mention to my family about this cause I have a very good guess as to how they'd react with how they react to one of my sister's friend "swinging" habits (9:05:01 PM) mib_xr4nsj entered the room. (9:05:19 PM) morgaine: i think that it is poorly received now but that with education, and the NCSF does a great job, it could be more accepted (9:05:20 PM) mib_xr4nsj: h (9:05:37 PM) morgaine: hi mib_xr4nsj (9:05:47 PM) bonimiss: hi mib (9:06:01 PM) lunaKM: hi mib_xr4nsj (9:06:09 PM) deemina: hi :) (9:06:13 PM) mib_xr4nsj left the room (quit: Quit: http://www.mibbit.com ajax IRC Client). (9:07:01 PM) lunaKM: well that's all I had prepared for the topic, so let's open the floor for anything you want to talk about :)