I went to a local kink event and as an icebreaker, the host asked everyone to say what kind of animal they relate to. When I said I relate to a lioness, I got a ton of strange looks. I suppose it makes sense. As a submissive, it might not seem like I’d relate to an animal that is known for being majestic, fierce, protective, and the one who is in control in the lion-lioness relationship. What does that say about me? It says a lot.
Until I discovered my submissive self, I always found myself deferring to others as much as possible to avoid conflict. My job at the time demanded that I maintain control of two dozen young men, aged 18-22, and most of my colleagues were men. I knew how to stand up for myself, but I also had times where I’d agree to something and later regret that I “caved” so easily. Sometimes I even felt guilty for holding my ground. When I started learning more about my submissive side, I started to see that this was how I was battling my inner submissive. I didn’t know I was a natural submissive and I was missing someone to control that side of me. I was missing the critical piece. I needed a Dom.
Now, I’ve mentioned my relationship with Sir before. He didn’t disclose that he was a Dominant right away. As we talked, he says he saw things in me that made him think that I was a submissive. When he revealed his Dominant nature to me, it felt like all the pieces fell into place. If you asked me, there was no way I could be a submissive, but it was true. I’d been suppressing it. That realization was a revelation in itself, but realizing how much better life could be with a Dominant helping to guide me was the biggest gift. Here was someone who could help me reach my fullest potential. And when I heard Sir’s Dom Voice for the first time, well, that was it for me.
Sir was the one who showed me the light. When we entered into our relationship, he gave me some advice that was the greatest epiphany of them all. He said that I belong to him, I only submit to him, and since we have a long distance relationship, it was my duty to stand up for myself because in that capacity I am an extension of him.
Suddenly I started standing taller, with my shoulders back and my head up. No more slouching. I wasn’t afraid to look people in the eye anymore or avoid gazes. I questioned people when I didn’t agree with their opinions (my boss at the time, who was very type-A, didn’t like the new me; she liked the pushover me that didn’t challenge her). It was so liberating. It changed almost every aspect of my life. (Aside: the only one I can’t assert my authority upon is my German Shepherd. I think he laughs at me when I try) Even though I’m a submissive, I was taking control of my life because that’s what Sir wanted of me.
When I started thinking about getting involved in the local BDSM community, I asked Sir how I was supposed to act. How, as a submissive, could I walk into a room full of Doms, Masters, slaves, subs, and all varieties of kinky people and be the Assertive Me? Isn’t that a conflict of interest? Not so, Sir told me. He reminded me that I only submit to him and that I was to be polite to anyone I met. But if a Dominant told me to address him/her as Master or Sir, my orders were to politely explain that I would only use an honorific title with my Sir, because I do not submit to anyone else. (For example, if I meet someone named Master Joe, I can refer to him as Master Joe, but I would not use the reply “Yes, Master.” I would say “yes”) This is an area that I’m still working on, because it’s a fine line. However, it’s nice knowing what Sir expects of me. Having this understanding is key because every Dominant has different opinions on this, and so submissives must know how to respect his/her Dominant while being respectful of the other Dominants in the community. Again, it’s a fine line.
Being in touch with my submissive side has increased my confidence and my self-esteem. The journey getting to this point has been liberating, and I’m learning more and more every day. The most important thing for young submissives to know is that the term “submissive” is not synonymous with the word “docile.” Being submissive does not mean you are someone to be pushed around. This is important to remember when negotiating with a new or prospective Dominant. Just because someone is Dominant does not mean he/she can push you around against your will without your prior consent. Be wary of anyone who says that you must submit by virtue of being a submissive. Your submission is a gift, and the person you give it to must be capable of understanding what a huge gift it is.
In light of all of this, I now know why I identify with the lioness. It's because I am a lioness, and I know my place in the pride. When Sir calls upon me, it is my pleasure to serve him. And in his absence, it is my duty to represent myself in a way that would make him proud. I am a submissive. Hear me roar.