It is the people who can do nothing who can find nothing to do, and the secret of happiness in this world is not only to be useful, but to be forever elevating one's usefulness - Sandra Orne Jewett
Reading what I have to say day in and day out can lead you to a few conclusions; one being that I want you to grow and effect change in yourselves to make your submission exactly what it needs to be for you to be happy. Being effective in submission should make you happy in your life. Far too many times I see novices and experienced submissives floundering and wondering how to make their Owner happy without a thought to how to make themselves happy too.
It's a difference between passive and active submission in most cases. Active submission is what all of us should endeavor to reach, but what is passive submission and how can I recognize that?
A passive submissive doesn't make their own changes or take responsibility for their own purpose in life. Many times they will wait for their partner to decide all of their paths and learning. These submissives try not to rock the boat on what they are used to doing or not doing and won't make a single change without their Dominant requesting or commanding it of them. They are in a constant holding pattern.
Frequently a passive submissive will say that they don't or can't come up with a list of things that they have to offer a Dominant and they have issues listing their skills, talents and useful traits that would make a Dominant desire them as a submissive. Now don't get this confused with just not knowing what you have to offer, but these submissives feel that the really don't have anything outside of what a Dominant directs them to know or learn that could make the dynamic effective.
Also, a passive submissive commonly says that they will "serve in any way the Dominant desires," and yet can't list any specifics that they are able to do or ways that they would enjoy serving. They aren't all-purpose submissives, but floundering submissives, very unclear with that they need in life to be truly happy. They only know that somehow a Dominant can get them there.
An active submissive is going somewhere and they have plans, dreams and goals for themselves. They actively take part in their relationships. We should all hope to be active submissives in our relationships.
Active submissives strive to continue to learn, grow and be positive partners in their dynamic. They often take it upon themselves to learn about something their Dominant has expressed an interest. Investing an interest in progressing and learning more and more about submission is a key goal for active submissives.
Oftentimes, active submissives are leaders in their local community and are looked upon as mentors and teachers because they have a positive and energetic outlook on life, can share what they have learned and also express interest in continuing growth in life. Ask an active submissive where they see themselves in a year, 5 or more and they can tell you what they hope to learn, where they want to be in life and how they plan to get there. They are organized and ready for what life will bring them and engaged in getting there. They want to help make their life everything it can be and bring about pleasure to their Dominant in turn.
This initiative and drive is what separates an active submissive from a passive one.
How You Can Be an Active Submissive
It all starts with the desire to improve yourself. Once you realize that no one can help you get what you need most out of life but yourself, even a Dominant directing you doesn't make you change, you will reach for the tools needed to reach happiness. Sit down and make a list of all the adventures you want to set out on. Do you want to learn something, get a certificate, or take classes? Perhaps you need a better outlook on life and are looking for therapy or coaching. Becoming active in the community can also help you with your grasp of an active submission. Serve because you want to improve yourself, not because you have to improve others to be happy.
Taking classes and ecourses or reading and researching is one thing. But when the course is over and you've come down from that learning high, you are still left with putting what you learn into practice. This is oftentimes where passive submissives drop the ball. Instead, make plans, set goals and become personally accountable. Get people in your life interested in what you are doing and help you to remain on task. Feel good about what you are doing to effect change in your life and be happy with any progress, large and small.
Being an active submissive is work, and we all dread work, but this is work that will make you happy, improve your life and your relationships. It is the best work we can ever do.
Thoughts to Ponder
- Where do you see yourself on a spectrum between passive and active submission?
- Are there things in your life that you would like to work on? What is keeping you from starting that work?
- Do you constantly seek a mentor or coach, but can't figure out how? Why can't you effect change for yourself without someone else telling you how?