The journey of submission is a deeply personal and transformative experience. Many submissives frequently ask me, "How can I be a better submissive?" This question reflects a desire to enhance their service and deepen their connection with their Dominant. Whether you are new to submission or have been in a D/s dynamic for some time, becoming a better submissive is a continuous process of growth, self-improvement, and dedication.
Being a better submissive does not necessarily require grand gestures or complex changes. Small, mindful actions and thoughtful behaviors often have the most significant impact. From improving communication skills to learning new techniques that please your Dominant, there are many ways to refine your submission and enhance your dynamic. Each submissive's journey is unique, but certain fundamental principles can guide anyone toward a more fulfilling submissive life.
In this article, we will explore ten practical tips and strategies to help you become a better submissive. These suggestions are designed to be easy, allowing you to elevate your submission without feeling overwhelmed. When you embrace these practices, you will grow more confident and capable in your role as a submissive. The good news about many of these suggestions is that you can start them today!
1. Move with Purpose
We live in a fast-paced world filled with busy work and a high demand for everything to be done quickly. While that’s great for the workplace, you will want to take things a bit slower at home with your Dominant. For myself, being home with my partner is where I prefer to relax and enjoy being Dominant and submissive. Much of what we do is for enjoyment, and rushing and feeling under pressure is the opposite of relaxation!
So, slow your tasks down. They can still get done efficiently, but the focus is more on how well and why it is done, not how fast it is done. When you move with intention, you make your actions smooth and deliberate, even elegant. If your Dominant calls you to them, be precise in your movements and allow your natural grace to shine. You can be fast and still graceful and beautiful to watch. Be mindful of your movements, try to remove fidgeting, check your posture, and enhance your natural body movements. You are unique. If you naturally sway when you walk, make it slow and sultry. If you have a dance in your step, don't try to force it out. When you fetch something or handle items, put them down quietly, don’t let cutlery clatter, and learn to place things carefully and elegantly.
With all that in mind, here are some steps to help you begin moving with grace and purpose:
Body scanning: Regularly stop and listen to your body to notice any tension and release it with a few stretches. This can help you move more fluidly. Also, if you notice aches and pains, treat them appropriately and rest if needed. Fighting through discomfort to still provide service or submission is the opposite of grace.
Improve your balance: You can improve your balance by taking classes in yoga, Pilates, ballet, or tai chi. These disciplines emphasize controlled, deliberate movements and strengthen balance and coordination. You can also walk with a book on your head or balanced in the palm of your hand.
Daily focus practice: Practice moving slowly and deliberately. Perform tasks that require gentle movements, such as setting down objects quietly or pouring water without making a lot of noise or spilling. This helps build muscle memory, and then you can gradually increase your speed while maintaining that grace. Practice in front of a mirror to correct any awkward or clumsy gestures.
2. Think Before You Speak
Filling your speech with ums, ahs and other vocal fillers can distract from your words and poorly reflect your preparedness. Show your Dominant that you can formulate thoughts fully by ensuring you know what you want to say before you say it. If you don't know what to say, express that you need a moment to collect your thoughts. Your Dominant should appreciate your desire to reflect and be fully prepared with your responses.
Understand that silence can be powerful and sometimes more meaningful than words. Always filling the silence with chatter is unnecessary.
Let’s talk about a few steps you can take to begin to improve your submissive speech:
Pause before speaking: Train yourself to pause before you speak. This gives you time to gather your thoughts, and when you know what you’ll say, you’ll have fewer filler words. You can also practice taking a breath whenever you feel an "um" or "ah" coming. This brief pause helps you regain control and think clearly.
Practice speaking: We all know that practice makes perfect, which also applies to speaking. Schedule time to practice talking about different topics. If you don’t have someone to present to, record yourself to listen back and catch your mistakes. Gradually work on reducing them.
Reflect and seek feedback: Use your journal to reflect on how you spoke after conversations with your Dominant. Identify moments where you used fillers and think about how you could have handled those moments differently. You can also ask trusted friends to point out when you use filler words.
3. Enhance a Basic Service
Taking a basic service and adding a personal touch can show your Dominant that you care about their preferences. I have taken the basic task of serving coffee and added a personal touch that my Dominant appreciates by announcing their coffee when I arrive with it. I place it where he requires it and say, 'Your coffee, Master.' It doesn’t have to be complicated. Something as simple as slowing your steps and moving with purpose, as seen in a Japanese Tea Ceremony, can enhance the experience.
Tailoring your service to your Dominant’s unique preferences can show your attentiveness and dedication. Pay attention to what makes your Dominant happy and what they’ve praised in the past, to adjust your service accordingly. Other unique touches can be using their favorite scent of body wash in the shower or preparing their favorite meal to exacting detail.
There are a few ways to improve a task or service you already provide. Remember to talk with your partner about these changes before making them, so they are a welcome addition!
Understand their preferences: Sit down and have open conversations with your Dominant about their preferences and what they appreciate most in your service. Pay close attention to their reactions and feedback, both verbal and non-verbal, to understand what makes them happy.
Personal touches: You can announce your service, as I shared from my coffee service above, or you can do another form of presentation. This is open to interpretation and protocol, but adding personal touches to your submission makes it uniquely yours. Applying ritual to a task can make the experience feel more special and deliberate.
Practice and rehearse: Practice role-playing scenarios where you serve your Dominant in different contexts. This can help you become more comfortable and intuitive in your service. You will want to rehearse your service steps privately, focusing on smooth, deliberate actions and clear, respectful communication.
4. Learn a New Skill
There is never a moment that a submissive should stop learning new skills that can better please your Dominant and keep your dynamic fresh. You can pick up talents and skills such as cooking a special recipe, mastering a new sexual technique, or learning to play chess.
Whether it’s rope tying, domestic service, or other forms of submission, constantly strive to learn and improve. Look for workshops or online courses that can help you develop new skills. Your local library is a source for adult learning and events that could help you explore new things. Then, practice them. Regular practice is essential to getting it down right and making the skill something you can be proud of.
Taking an interest in your Dominant’s hobbies and activities can deepen your connection. What does your Dominant enjoy doing with their free time? Do they have any hobbies? You can find ways to support or participate in them with your partner. If you can’t participate in them directly, learning all you can about the activities and engaging in meaningful conversations can show you are genuinely interested in what your Dominant loves (other than you).
Never stop seeking new ways to serve and delight your Dominant. Here are some ways to get started learning new skills.
Set Goals: Create specific, measurable, achievable, relevant, and time-bound (SMART) goals for your learning journey. This will help you maintain a submissive focus and provide a clear path to learning new skills.
Research and Resource Gathering: Look for reputable sources such as books, websites, online courses, workshops, and communities that specialize in the skill you wish to learn. Utilize platforms like FetLife for kink-specific knowledge or websites like Skillshare for a broader range of topics.
Attend Workshops and Events: Your local community is a treasure trove for learning new skills. These environments offer hands-on learning experiences and opportunities to connect with others with similar interests. Attending munches, workshops, and BDSM events can give you access to BDSM education. Also, check out your library for classes and workshops on various things, from cooking to event planning!
5. Meditate on Your Submission and Keep a Submissive Journal
Reflection and mindfulness can deepen your understanding and practice of submission. Take time to think about your submission, what went well, and areas for improvement. To help you with this, create a mantra to repeat during meditation to reinforce your submissive mindset.
If you’ve spent time on Submissive Guide, you will know I advocate for every submissive to keep a journal. Documenting your journey can help you track your growth and better understand your experiences. Write about your thoughts, feelings, and experiences in daily entries.
If appropriate, share your journal entries with your Dominant to enhance communication and understanding. For some submissives, writing and sharing their thoughts is more manageable than having conversations about everything.
Do you want to start journaling? The following four suggestions will help you get started.
Develop a Writing Habit: Set aside dedicated time each day or week for journaling. Consistency is crucial for making it a habit and gaining the full benefits of submissive reflection.
Use Prompts and Plan Your Writing: Consider structuring your entries with prompts or sections such as:
- Daily Reflections: What happened today in your submissive experience or dynamic?
- Lessons Learned: What did you learn about yourself, your submission, or your dynamic?
- Goals and Aspirations: What are your current goals for your submission, and how can you work towards them?
- Gratitude: What are you thankful for in your dynamic?
Be Honest and Raw: Allow yourself to write openly and honestly about your experiences. Don’t worry about spelling and grammar or how sensitive something may be. This is your safe space to explore your thoughts and emotions without censorship.
6. Be Attentive and Present
Being mindful and attentive can significantly improve your submissive service. When you pay attention to the small things, you make your Dominant happy. This can be as simple as remembering how they like their coffee or anticipating their needs before they ask.
Be present and avoid distractions during scenes and tasks. When performing service, do not multitask—practice mindfulness techniques to help you stay focused and calm during your submissive tasks.
Sometimes, just being there when they didn't expect you to be can be a powerful expression of submission. Appearing at their feet without expecting anything from them can provide silent comfort and pride and help you with your feelings of submission.
Let’s look at a few ways you can learn to be an attentive submissive.
Anticipate Needs: Watch your Dominant and pay attention to their routine and habits to anticipate your Dominant's needs before they ask. This can be as simple as having a glass of water ready for them if they usually bring one to bed or preparing their favorite comfort meal when you know they’ve had a stressful day.
Eliminate Distractions: When performing a task for your Dominant, focus on it and give it your undivided attention. Avoid multitasking, which can lead to mistakes and divided attention. Identify potential distractions, such as smartphones or other electronic devices, that might take your attention away from your Dominant and eliminate them when doing tasks.
Use Open and Receptive Body Language: Use body language to show your Dominant that you are fully present and attentive. Make eye contact, uncross your arms, and use correct posture.
7. Ask for Advice from Senior Submissives
Your best source of information is submissives who have been where you are. Talking to other submissives is nice to have so that you have a support system and will never stop learning and growing. So start building a support system to learn and grow continuously in your submission.
To find a supportive community, look for local classes, workshops, or BDSM munch groups you can attend. You can learn new skills and meet other submissives and their partners. You can also find a community online through FetLife or on Submissive Guide’s Discord server. You can connect to our community through this link: https://subgui.de/chat
Once you have found your community, take these steps to make the most of the experienced submissives there:
Identify Knowledgeable Individuals: Look for submissives with a proven track record of experience in the BDSM community. These individuals can provide insights and guidance based on their journey. If you aren’t sure, you can watch the room for a while to see who provides advice you appreciate or ask the leaders for suggestions on whom to reach out to.
Be Respectful and Courteous: When approaching senior submissives, always be respectful. Show genuine interest in their experiences and listen to their advice without challenging their expertise.
**Ask Thoughtful Questions and Be Receptive to Feedback: **Be specific with your questions about areas of submission you wish to improve upon or understand better. Thoughtful inquiries show that you value their knowledge and experience. Then, listen actively to the advice given and be willing to accept constructive criticism. Remember, feedback is a gift that can help you grow.
8. Communicate Effectively
Effective communication is the foundation of any healthy BDSM relationship. Being a better submissive starts with clearly expressing your needs, desires, and limits. You can do this by having regular check-ins about how you’re feeling. This can prevent misunderstandings and help you stay on the same page. During conversations, pay close attention to what your Dominant says and ask clarifying questions if you’re unsure about any instructions or expectations.
Consider keeping a journal to process your feelings and track your experiences. Sharing your journal with your Dominant can open up another way to communicate how you feel if talking makes you nervous or uncomfortable.
Be Clear and Direct: Communicate your needs, desires, and limits in a straightforward manner. Ambiguity can lead to misunderstandings, so it's important to be clear to get your message across effectively.
Practice Active Listening: Listen attentively to what your Dominant is saying without interrupting. Show that you are listening by nodding, maintaining eye contact, and reflecting on what you've heard to ensure understanding.
Ask Clarifying Questions: If you're unsure about your Dominant's instructions or expectations, don't hesitate to ask for clarification. It's better to seek understanding than to make assumptions.
Follow Up on Agreements: After reaching an agreement or decision, follow up in subsequent discussions to ensure that you both are satisfied with the outcome and implementation.
9. Show Initiative and Reliability
Taking proactive steps to please your Dominant can show your commitment and enthusiasm. Try to anticipate your Dominant’s needs and fulfill them without being asked. These thoughtful gestures, whether preparing their favorite meal or organizing their workspace, highlight your dedication and thoughtfulness.
Becoming more consistent in your actions and behaviors improves your submissive tasks when you have regular submissive tasks or rules to follow, establish and track them as new habits so that they become a part of your natural routine.
A great way to improve your submission is to always follow through with your commitments and promises to others and avoid overwhelming yourself with too many. It can be challenging to say no to someone, but you should prioritize what you know you can do and learn to accept that you have limits. This way, you don’t let down your Dominant or the others in your life because you failed to get something done that you said you would do.
If you need some ideas on how to show initiative in your dynamic, I’ve got a few suggestions.
Follow Through on Your Commitments: Always follow through on promises to your Dominant. If you say you are going to do something, then do it. When you’ve been tasked with learning something or correcting an undesired behavior (or adding a new one), take the steps necessary to make it happen.
Take the Initiative: Look for opportunities to take the lead on tasks or projects that align with your Dominant's interests or needs. This shows your proactive nature and commitment to your role. Eagerness is a good thing.
Be Proactive in Your Learning: Seek new skills or knowledge to enhance your service to your Dominant. This may involve attending workshops, reading books, or engaging in online discussions.
10. Develop Emotional Resilience
Building emotional resilience can help you navigate the ups and downs of daily life in a BDSM relationship. We aren’t built to handle our emotions alone. While we are strong individuals, the fact that we can find support when we need it makes us stronger. Lean on like-minded friends, family, and BDSM support groups as you need them. If you’re looking for a support group, Submissive Guide has a FetLife Group and a Discord Server!
Taking care of yourself is essential to being a better submissive. A healthy, balanced submissive can serve more effectively and sustainably. Using self-care will help you manage stress and maintain your emotional balance. It will give you peace and help you navigate the new experiences of D/s. Self-care is any activity you do to care for your physical, mental, and emotional health. It’s gotten a lot of spin the past few years, but it doesn’t have to be complicated, and you could very well be doing some of these things without calling it self-care. Engaging in hobbies, finding time to relax, seeing a therapist, exercising and eating well, and even getting enough sleep are proven beneficial to your overall emotional health and wellness.
These things may not seem like steps toward better submission, but if you can take care of yourself, it will be far easier to submit to another.
Practice Self-Care: Engage in activities that promote your physical, mental, and emotional well-being. This includes exercise, meditation, hobbies, or time in nature.
Develop Healthy Coping Strategies: Identify and develop coping strategies for stressful situations that work for you, such as journaling, talking to a trusted friend, or engaging in a creative outlet.
Embrace Change: Learn to embrace change and adapt to new situations. This will help you navigate the dynamic nature of a BDSM relationship and avoid frustrating pressures to conform to an ideal.
**Cultivate a Growth Mindset: **Develop a growth mindset by viewing challenges as opportunities for learning and growth. Be patient with yourself. Growth and change happen over time. You will make mistakes, but if you accept them as learning opportunities, your progress will reflect that.
By focusing on purposeful movement, clear communication, and continuous learning, you can create a more satisfying relationship with your Dominant. Remember, submission is a journey of continuous growth and learning. Enjoy the process and celebrate your progress along the way.
