A friend of mine called me up the other day to talk. She wanted to know how to talk to her partner about some new kink desires that she had. See she's what I have always considered kink-lite compared to the way KnyghtMare and I live so while she's easy to get along with we don't usually connect on a kink level. They've dabbled in the bedroom a bit but nothing more than that. She's started having desires for more but had a few hang ups she wanted advice on how to get over. First, she's shy when it comes to talking about sex or her body. She's afraid of being rejected and she's not sure how her partner will respond. She repeated over and over that she doesn't want to lose him over this but she would really like to explore more than they currently are.
It's a struggle that a lot of you are currently going through as well if my email inbox is a good example. So, let's talk about this fear we have and how to overcome it enough to talk to our partners. First, some assumptions; I'm going to assume that you've been in this relationship long enough to have had sex or kinky play for a while and that you are comfortable with them outside the bedroom too. I'd like to assume that your fears are related to how to broach the subject and how they might react. Hopefully, I'll be able to help the majority of you with these assumptions.
Now I know that much of society is pretty hush-hush about anything to do with sex or intimacy and our families don't talk about it either. So we never learn that it's okay to talk about sex with our partners. It's probably why a lot of fear comes into play when we think about talking to our partners about changes or additions to our sex lives. It doesn't mean what they are doing is wrong but it can feel that way when you've not learned to talk about sex or what your intimacy needs are with your partner.
Let's start with that initial discussion. Getting up the nerve is hard because it makes you vulnerable and open. You are exposing a new and fresh part of yourself. You may be uncomfortable talking about sex or using the vocabulary to get your point across. If that's you, then practice. Work up to it by using the mirror in the bathroom, talk to yourself in the car when you are alone and the shower. If you sound together and confident it will come off when you finally sit your partner down to talk.
A lot of shyness is actually overcome by learning more about what makes you clam up to begin with. If talking about sex or body parts makes you shy away, then start reading and learning about it more. As you become more familiar with the subject, whatever it may be, your shyness may subside. Do your research so that you can answer questions that may come up also. I know I'm uncomfortable talking about things that I know little about but have a curious interest or desire. Information definitely helps you with fear related to that.
If your shyness is interfering with a lot of your normal life then perhaps you should seek some counseling to help you overcome it. I'm not trained in that and can't help you in that way. Please seek professional help. You don't have to live a life afraid and withdrawn if you don't want to.
Sometimes the fear you feel is because you don't know how to broach the subject. In cases like that perhaps you should start with hints. Leave a book about BDSM or a kinky romance novel out on the table. Open some browser tabs with information on the things that you might want to try. Also, you can suggest small things in the heat of passion, but keep them tame. Suggest a little bondage, or blindfolds or more forceful sex, maybe a bit of playful spanking.
If you are afraid of losing your partner over expressing your desires then maybe you have more issues in your relationship than these and you are thinking that throwing yet another thing into the mix will break the relationship. If not, then there's no reason to want to explore and connect with your partner. Sure, adding kinky things is scary for the uninitiated but if you don't talk about it, you will never know your partner's feelings on the subject. Would you leave a relationship if your partner came to you and wanted to add something to your sex life? (We aren't talking opening the relationship here, that's a different flavor of soda all together.)
Being afraid of how they might respond is normal, but if you don't share your interests at all, can you live without it? They can't read your mind, but I bet they can sense that something is on your mind and they are waiting for you to come out and say it. Stop living in fear, the worst isn't always going to happen. They could happily embrace your kinky nature just as easily as they could question it.
In the case of my friend, I gave her some resources so she could learn more about the activities she wanted to try so that when she did sit down with her partner she was more prepared. The promised to practice in the car traveling to and from work until she was ready and she'd make an appointment with her therapist to talk about her shyness with sex topics, in general, to see if she could overcome some of the social programmings she learned as a child.
What have we learned? Many of our cultures and societies don't talk about sex or the desires one may have and we learn that it's a taboo thing to talk about, even with our partners. Breaking down the barriers will help. Information and practice will help you with the fears of not knowing what to say when you approach the subject. Overcoming your shyness can not only help you with talking to your partner but could open you up to experiencing more in life in general. You can't live your life afraid of how someone will respond to something that's becoming important to you.
Once you know why you are afraid to talk to your partner you can work to relieve that stress because communication is so very important to your relationship. You can't control how they will respond, but at least you will be confident in your approach.