I was married before my relationship with my Master, KnyghtMare. We fell in love when dating online was still an unusual thing. We courted and dated for years before we got married. Marriage seemed to be the inevitable next step, so we did that too.
Our sex life was very much kink-lite. For the most part, we were a very mainstream couple. Occasionally we dabbled with fuzzy handcuffs, bondage with silk scarfs and blindfolds. Sometimes there was a role-play scenario to enact. All of it was to spice up the sex I thought was so very boring.
I admit that when sex was new and interesting I couldn't get enough of it, but as I matured and grew into sexual adulthood I found the traditional sex to be boring. Foreplay was especially so but my husband needed it to enjoy sex at all. I rarely got off during sex and faked orgasms to get it to end.
It was 2 years into our marriage that I pushed harder for more kink in the bedroom because I really enjoyed it. That was the death knell to our relationship.
Don't misunderstand - our relationship was on the rocks long before I suggested more kink and defined roles in the bedroom. But it was ultimately what gave me that drive I needed to seek out my needs fulfilled.
Ending the marriage was one of the hardest decisions I had to face. I still loved him, he was a great guy and we had fun together. I don't recommend divorce as the solution to all bedroom problems but let me share what steps we took before a divorce was my final solution.
As a disclaimer, I am not a therapist, lawyer or hold any degree that the advice I give below should be considered the only advice you should listen to.
Relationship Self-Help Books
I read a lot of books about how to save your marriage and what a healthy relationship should look like. I filled out every worksheet and survey I could find. I dog-eared the pages that struck me as the key and started using those words and phrases whenever I talked with my husband. He was rightfully confused and felt that the reading was silly, unrealistic and born from an ideal and not real fact/experience.
I couldn't disagree more - and so we disagreed and I continued to read them. Here are a few that have excellent reviews on Amazon.com (aff.):
- The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work: A Practical Guide from the Country's Foremost Relationship Expert
- Hold Me Tight: Seven Conversations for a Lifetime of Love
- Ten Lessons to Transform Your Marriage: America's Love Lab Experts Share Their Strategies for Strengthening Your Relationship
- The Relationship Cure: A 5 Step Guide to Strengthening Your Marriage, Family, and Friendships
- A Couple's Guide to Communication
As our happiness began to decline we would schedule a "talk" every week to see where we were and what issues we saw from the previous week. We were good at pinpointing problems and coming to some sort of agreement about how to work on them. Oftentimes though, these meetings made one of us feel attacked and criticized and left with a sour taste in our mouths and a chip on our shoulder which carried us to the next "talk". It only got worse as we constantly rehashed old complaints and broke out in childish temper tantrums. I regret that I am still childish during disagreements.
We entered into single and couples therapy when we realized that things were getting difficult. We each had different counselors and then they both sat in on our couples meetings. For awhile things seemed to work and we were communicating and making compromises that had me feeling good. We would eventually go right back to what made is crazy, to begin with. This is the time that I began to realize that a lot of my unhappiness stemmed from my need for more excitement in the bedroom - things that my husband wasn't interested in. During a couples session, I asked him if he'd be okay with me exploring BDSM online. He consented.
From there on our marriage got further from ideal and as I learned more and more about BDSM and submission I knew that I wouldn't be a good partner for him. And I felt trapped in a hard place. I do think he knew it was coming though and bless him, he took it with more grace than I think I could have. After all, the love we had was still there. We had just grown into different things.
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We legally separated after 18 months of therapy, couple's meetings and just trying to make it work. It was hard, but we both moved out of the apartment on the same day, helping each other pack and load the items we had divided. I knew we'd not be getting back together. He hoped we could reconcile.
During our separation, I met KnyghtMare online. I had already joined the local BDSM community and felt at home with my new kink friends. Through my new growth and learning the end of my relationship with my husband was difficult. We'd been together for 8 years. That's a long time to love someone. But I knew that I had changed and he couldn't give me what I knew I needed. It was just a matter of accepting that I hadn't failed the marriage - that this was for the better.
I was living with KnyghtMare for 4 years before I finally got around to filing for divorce. Finances were the real reason it took that long. I had already moved on and was happy with KnyghtMare. My husband was still stuck on me but I think he knew he had to let me go. The divorce was uncontested. I just wanted a break. We didn't argue money or possessions because we had already been living apart for so long. There were just the signatures needed.
I strongly suggest to anyone that they talk to their partner about how they are feeling and what's going on in their heads and hearts before you get to this step. If at any point he had agreed or been capable of being my Dom we might have lasted a bit longer. Who knows. You could have a partner that wants what you want but can't voice it either. Give your relationship everything you can before you make the ultimate decision to end the relationship.
Have you broken a relationship because of your need for kink? How did that go? Any advice for others that might be thinking of ending their relationship?