from the Submissive Guide Newsletter 8-8-15
Finding a partner is hard. We all know that dating is difficult in the best of times and adding in D/s or BDSM needs or desires just makes it harder still. But there are people out there and they are looking for you! Hopefully, I've put together all the articles from the site and elsewhere that will help you find a partner that is compatible with you and your desires.
Don't take these articles as the only way or even the best way for you to find a partner interested in the same kinky things you are. These are just ideas and suggestions from myself and others. Use what you can and discard the rest. But don't assume I'm just giving you a list! Make sure you scroll below the list of excellent resources for more information on dating and finding partners in BDSM and the lifestyle.
- Where To Go to Find a Kinky or D/s Partner: The Big List
- #domsubchat – Transcript of Twitter Chat – Dating and Finding a Partner in BDSM
- How Searching for a Compatible Partner is Like Apartment Hunting by andyiccee (coming out 8/14/15)
- Ask lunaKM – How Do I Stay Positive While Single?
- How to Approach a Dominant You Are Interested In
- Dating in the Lifestyle; What’s the Big Deal?
- Do You Need the “Luck o’ the Irish” to Meet that Perfect Dominant?
- BDSM Basics – How Do I Find Someone to Play With?
- Are There Basic Expectations in a Dominant That I Should Look For?
- The Outline of a Good Compatible Dominant
- What are Red Flags?
- Finding a Compatible Partner in the Lifestyle
- Review: The Kinky Girl’s Guide to Dating
- Finding Your Dominant by Mistress Steel
- Write an Online BDSM Dating Profile That Gets Results!
- The Secrets to Writing a Successful BDSM Dating Profile (coming out 8/10/15)
- What NOT to Share on Your Online Profile
- Identifying Fake Dominants and Posers
- Ask lunaKM – How Can I Safely Contact Online Doms?
- Ask lunaKM – How To Approach Dommes on FetLife
- #domsubchat – Transcript of Twitter Chat – Writing a Kinky Dating and/or Social Profile
- 7 Signs You are Compatible With a Prospective Dominant
- Why That Dominant You Found Online Just Disappeared After a Short Time
- BDSM Basics – What Your First Date Might Look Like
- First Meetings Done Safely
- How Far Should You Go On a First Date?
- Ask lunaKM – What should I expect the first meeting?
- 10 Tips to Calm Your Nerves When Meeting a Dominant for the First Time
- Submitting in a Long Distance Relationship: The Big Meet by kallista
- A Safe Call Could Save Your Life
I'm So Frustrated!
Dating is never easy. When you are searching for a partner, whether that be casual or long term, finding someone that meets your needs and desires is like finding a needle in a haystack. You have to toss a lot of chaff to get anywhere near what you want. But you are looking for someone who is either a Top or a Dominant also, so that thins your possible options as well.
It can be extremely frustrating trying to find a partner, and I'm terribly glad I'm done with that phase of life, but I also know how you can make it just a bit easier on yourself. One of the most frustrating things that you may experience while single is not comprehending why you are still single even though you've done everything "right" to find a partner. You may feel that your friends easily find partners and long-term romance (or so it seems) while you feel stuck in a rut and hopeless. You could be experiencing loneliness, jealousy, frustration, doubt, and unfairness that you are putting in great effort to find love and your attempts are unmet, especially when you compare yourselves to others who are in relationships.
I'm a believer in timing. Everything happens in its own time.
You've set your expectations and needs on paper and in your profiles online. You may feel that no matter how you describe yourself that you are attracting imperfect partners. Dating these imperfect partners will not make you happy. Don't settle for anyone that doesn't meet your needs. Desires are always things you can work on with partners, but your needs are things that should be taken care of in any happy relationship.
Desperation is Unappealing
It is absolutely wonderful to know what you want, however wanting a partner, relationship or marriage is very different than NEEDING them. When you bring a needy or desperate vibe into dating, you are likely to rush the natural flow of forming a relationship, overlook red flags and most importantly, you are likely to turn off potential partners. You might engage in clingy behaviors, act out when someone you are newly dating doesn’t respond right away, etc. Be empowered to go after what you want and be confident in achieving it.
It's Not Magic
One day my Prince will come is only for fairy tales and Disney movies. You can't just wait around and hope your dream partner finds you. You have to actually put effort into finding love. Too often singles believe they don't have to do much to attract a partner. If you have a dating profile but don't respond to messages for long periods of time, say no to friends trying to hook you up or never having time for dating is sending the wrong signals. Take risks in love and actively look for what you want in your life.
Don't Try to Change Someone
It could feel like the right thing to do; someone has contacted you and they seem almost a good fit if only they'd change this or that about themselves. And then you begin to think that they will change or that you could somehow convince them to change. Don't. Just don't. No one will change just for you. They have to do it for themselves. Make sure you are seeking a good fit for you, and not trying to jam a round peg into a square hole.
Lastly, dating should be embraced as a part of your life, a phase that everyone has to go through at least once and you should enjoy it for what it is. You get to meet people, explore your own self and reach for the stars that are in your future. Take what joy you can in the process and you'll be more uplifted and happy while single than those that doesn't see any value in their life unless they have a partner.
There's nothing wrong with you if you are single for awhile. It just means you're exploring your options and trying to find that perfect fit. You will too; there are out there looking for you so go find them!
- What does your online profile say about you? If you can't review it objectively, have a friend read it and give you some constructive criticism.
- How do you feel about online dating? How do you go about dating if online isn't the arena for you?
- Why did your last date fail? What can you learn about it to help you in the future to avoid that same situation?