This is a guest post by tlbsab.
Have you ever had everything you wanted only to have it crash around you because of a simple mistake? It didn’t have to be your mistake, but the emotional toll that it takes on your personality and actions is huge. In the Vanilla world, we call it gun-shy and it affects your dating life. When you are in a Dominant/submissive relationship, it affects your whole world.
I entered my D/s relationship as a very naïve sub. Yes, I had been around the block or two. I have even been called a closet freak once or twice. Our relationship started as a vanilla dating one with some kinky play. When we decided that it was worth some time and he saw I was interested in the lifestyle; we had some very serious conversations. We have both learned well from our past relationships, honest communication is the only thing that will hold one together. He saw my eagerness and it scared him. He had seen it before. He saw my willingness to a poly relationship and it petrified him. You see he had accomplished his dream relationship before me and it had crumbled because of others. I scared him because I was the dream again. This is where our communication helps. He sat me down and told me that he suffered from the extreme top drop and I needed to do some research. It was my first task and it was a lot to take in as a newbie. On Urban dictionary.com I was surprised by the definition that I found “top drop --An after-effect experienced by a domme/dom after they have dominated their submissive, characterized by guilt and depression.” Wow, Could I do this?
After every play date, I would be flying high and he would shrink from the powerful Dominant that he is. What could I do? I wanted him to experience the same euphoria that I was. One afternoon, he brought out his toy bag. We had a great time trying on restraints and for the first time, I had a ball gag in my mouth. That evening the conversation turned to the guilt and the stress the toy bag had caused. What if he didn’t want that sort of relationship with me? He did not want it to be the basis. He did not want it to be our foundation. If we make it our foundation, it will be our downfall. I heard him. That was the most important thing. I heard him. I understand why he feels that way. I also know this is the depression talking not the strong Dominant that loves me.
As a submissive my role is to do as I am asked or expected to do; but what do you do when he refuses to give you tasks? When his fear of the consequences makes it impossible for him to give an order or task his submissive, his personality changes and my world turns upside down. How do I handle his refusal to be in charge? I have no issue being in charge but that is not my role in our homes. It causes confusion and disappointment. I start to question our world. If only he knew how much I believed in him, he would believe in himself. One minute he is tasking me to write in a journal; the next he is complaining because I journal too much. Another day, he is thrilled with my submissive study and the next I am becoming obsessed. The frustration starts to build and I question my submission once or twice; then I remind myself that I may not be a perfect sub but I am well worth my weight in gold. He holds back his desires making me feel undesirable. There are weeks at a time with no BDSM in the bedroom. Why will he not spank me? Is someone more spankable? As a child, we all wished there was someone else receiving the spankings. Now I crave them and they are withheld. The result is a vicious circle; he doesn’t feel desired and neither do I. To break the circle we have to talk. One of us steps out of our comfort zone and says, “I want you, no matter how it feels. Know that I want you.” It does the trick every time.
It was months before we played again. His top drop has taken over our bedroom. The conversations that we have are very raw and emotional. I do my best to make him hear me. There is no cure for this, only love and caring can overcome this fear and guilt. I tell him I am patient. The best things come for those who wait. Through all my research they say to support your Dominant. I make sure that he feels appreciated. It is the one thing that I have always done. I know when he goes out of his way for me. I make sure that he knows I see the things that he does for me. I thank him every day for being in my life. Things have gotten better as he learns that he can trust what we have. Some weeks are awesome and some seem like we are starting from scratch.
The issue of top drop is very prevalent in our lifestyle. It is often hidden because our Dominants are supposed to be the rock that we lean on, the one that holds our lives together. Showing Weakness is not in the job description of a Dom, Domme, Master, or Mistress. When we as submissives are shown this side, there are three things that mean the most to our partner: trust, honest communication, and appreciation. A partnership can overcome most anything when these three are used by both parties. When your Dominant knows that it is ok to feel top drop, they will be more willing to talk it through and you can conquer those feelings as a team.
We can beat this. I know we can.
Tlbsab is a submissive in Colorado Springs. She was brought up in a Christian Domestic Discipline household, although she wouldn’t dare tell her father a fundamentalist preacher he is kinky. She discovered her kinky side after starting a relationship with a Dominant Man and continues to grow in her submission through study, research and guidance from her Guy. You can find her on FetLife as robslittletambit .