There are times in our life that we seem to be haunted by the relationships in our past. They cling to us like a life form and don’t seem to want us out their grasp. Most of the time, I feel this occurs because we feel that something is left unresolved with it. Perhaps the relationship ended suddenly and without real warning, or we were left feeling as if there was so much we did wrong when in all actuality that is not the case. It is hard to move on from a relationship when we are questioning what happened still.

I am not saying that memories of a relationship are bad, but sometimes they do prevent us from being able to move on. Some find it easy to file away the good and bad memories as if putting them into a photo box. While others struggle with it because something just feels as if it is either missing or that there is still a lesson to be learned from it all. Some will feel guilt about moving on because the emotions and feelings they had for the other person are still there. It takes time to resolve things and it isn’t something that one can really rush. There is no set timetable for this.

It is okay to miss someone you loved. It is okay to reflect upon the relationship. The trouble lies when it becomes an obsession. Regardless of who ended the relationship, we are often left with things that we sit and question. There is that sense or feeling that something has been left unsaid or undone, but in reality, there is the inability to simply accept that it is over. The likelihood that you could have done something different is very small.

I, myself, have had relationships which when they ended left me feeling like there wasn’t anything I did right. That I was just a mess and that, for whatever reason, I wasn’t good enough and that I did not measure up somehow. I would question every little thing about it and would think about how I might have done something different. The reality was that it wasn’t me but rather the person I was in the relationship with. Even the best of us can be duped by someone who is just out to play a game with us. Quite often they won’t clue us into the fact that it is just a game to them.

The real problem lies with not being on the same page. You can ask a ton of questions but it all really comes down to what you are willing to accept and live with. I urge each of you though to not settle. I know it is not easy at times to wait but waiting for the right situation…the right one can be worth it. I think the hardest thing for a submissive is not having someone to serve when we so closely identify with having that structure in place in our lives. It is okay though at times to be alone.

But what do we do with those relationships that just seem to haunt our thoughts and dreams? Sadly there is no cut and dry answer for this, but there are things one can do to cope with it until you are ready to let go. The reality is we cling to it because we may feel there was something unsaid or something undone that makes us stop. We feel that there is a lesson yet to be learned there. Perhaps in some way, there is, but it will hold us in limbo though. You might never find the answers that you are seeking in regards to what it is you have yet to learn.

What we don’t need is to pick apart every aspect of the relationship. We would end up wasting energy on that because more often than not we are not going to find the answers there. It isn’t good to live in a constant state of “What if” because there is no rewind button. We can’t take back what has already occurred, but we can learn something from it and go forward. Sometimes the lesson is as simple as we can’t live our lives for someone else, but rather within each of us is that spark that sets us apart.

Until we are ready to accept that approval doesn’t come from anyone but ourselves it will be difficult to have a healthy relationship. Each of us is unique in the fact that we are individuals with our own quirks and method of doing things. It is when we try and conform to being a certain way to be accepted by others that we run into a problem. I know that it is hard to lose the idea that we have to be a certain way. The truth is that it is only when we are truly ourselves that we are truly accepted by others.

We don’t have to give up our self-identity to serve someone.

No Dominant worth a grain of salt is going to want us to be anything but ourselves. Humans are always evolving and changing. It is when we become stagnant and unchanging that we tend to become bitter and jaded by our past. It is perfectly okay not to be 100% sure of where you want to go, but one does need to set goals for themselves. Knowing oneself is important because how can you expect someone to know you when you don’t even know.

So what do we do when we feel haunted by the memories of a relationship? That is the time to sit down and write out the things we liked and disliked about the relationship. Don’t nitpick at every little thing though. Just pick out the things that really stick out in your mind. Ask yourself why it sticks out for you? What did you learn from it if anything? This is, also, a time when we need to keep in mind that we are all human and that no one is perfect.

Sit down and write a letter to the person that is haunting you.

No, you don’t have to send it because the point is this is about giving yourself closure. The only person that can give you that closure is you. Only you will know when it is time to move on. It is okay to say finally “I am done with you” because until we do we are never set free. It is okay to give yourself permission to take back the control over your life. The bottom line is that we have to accept this change and heal from it.

Being submissive doesn’t mean we have to bow down and serve every Dominant that crosses our path. It is okay to be picky about the ones you let into your life. We tend to form bonds and memories that shape and mold us as a person, but the truth is that until we are ready to be molded nothing we do will make things more successful. We are not doormats. We are not robots. We are unique.

It is important that we take the time to heal from the relationships that we have been in.

There is no set timetable on how much time to take as every situation is different and unique. The important thing to keep in mind is that if we are still clinging to the past then the present is just doomed to fail. It is okay to still have feelings about the past relationship, but it is not okay to brood about it to the point where the new relationship is just a glimmer. If you can’t focus on the new possibilities then you are not ready to move on.

Here recently, I was reminded of the fact that when we end a Dominant/submissive relationship that quite often it is a double whammy for us. We lose not only the romantic feelings of love that we had for the other person, but we also lose the ability to serve someone else. For some losing, one or the other is hard enough, but for others, the loss of both can be very taxing. In a very true sense, we need to take the time to grieve and go through the steps that it entails.

It is okay to be angry.

It is okay to be sad. It is okay to want to yell and scream. It is all perfectly normal and a natural part of the process. In time, however, you will reach a point where all of that doesn’t seem to matter so much. It is then that we may be able to say that the ghosts no longer haunt us. It is then that we will be able to emerge and start to think about something new.

You don't have to stay haunted by your past. If you learn how to move on and heal then the unresolved memories will fade and you can look forward to life again.