This guest post is a honeymoon gift from Agog.
The one thing I have learned since I started nosing around in BDSM is that I don’t know myself nearly as well as I thought I did. I thought it was all about sex, that what I felt was missing was something physical, but as I kept learning and digging, I found that the physical wasn’t nearly as important as what was in my head and heart. It was a process and even when I got past the idea of BDSM as whips and chains, I still tried to push myself into boxes based on what I was seeing around me. And from what I’ve seen, this happens to a lot of people. Maybe it’s human nature in some way, but you would think that by choosing a lifestyle that is supposed to be based on freedom and not having to live by the idea of what society tells you is normal, this wouldn’t be the case as often.
One of the ways I’ve gone past even BDSM norms is by choosing a Master who is a decade younger than me. The first time we talked, I was intrigued by His intelligence and maturity as well as the insecurity and vulnerability I could sense in His responses. The more we talked, the more I realized I wanted to learn something from Him, even if at the time, I didn’t know what it was. On the surface, I told myself that I liked what I had seen of His style of Domination, which was to push for honesty, use His intuition and curiosity to poke and prod and manipulate. He seemed safe to me as I thought about it, as far as it not going too far in part BECAUSE of His age. But the more we talked, the more we saw how compatible we were until it had gone beyond the initial agreement and into something more personal.
I’ve had other Doms comment that He can’t really teach me, that He can’t really control me, blah blah. He isn’t old enough, there is no way He could have the experience needed to handle a strong sub like me. However, to me, it’s less about the experience than the intuition He has. He has more experience than I do in the D/s dynamic and combined with being one of the most naturally Dominant people I’ve ever met, it’s almost a bit much at times. He doesn’t feel the need to shove His Dominance in my face to control me. Before Him, I talked with other Doms, even played with a few, it felt…forced and stilted, something scripted with most of them.
The ones who affected me the most were always the ones who weren’t trying, who Dominated through gentle pushing and support. Anyone who tried to force me found out how quickly I snapped out of sub mode. And just to clarify, I don’t think of being a sub is something I can turn on and off, but I will push it down to protect myself or if I know the person doesn’t care about my needs, or is just a bad fit for me. One of the first things Master told me was that subs are not doormats, and that was something I agreed with Him totally on.
There may be subs out there who wouldn’t feel really comfortable or safe with a younger Dom, and depending on needs, I can understand that. However, part of what I need is someone who isn’t afraid to change and bend with a situation, who isn’t afraid to acknowledge that I may know more in a certain area and respect and appreciate that from me, not as a person may patronize something lesser, but because He isn’t threatened by that.
He is secure enough in our M/s relationship that He isn’t worried that I am a strong person. What is important is that I am respectful to Him in the ways He expects and requires me to be. He doesn’t expect me to wordlessly accept anything He tells me, He wants me to ask if I am curious and He understands that sometimes, in order to be comfortable in my submission, I need to know “why”, even if the answer is because that is His whim for the moment. He understands that my questions stem from my nature, not disrespect or disobedience, which a lot of older Doms do not understand. I want to learn, grow, and He helps me and supports me in that. He intuitively understands that a lot of the journey for a submissive is learning to accept and submit to her own need to submit.
He’s never rushed me or simply tried to command me to submit simply because I am a submissive and He is a Dominant. He understood that, for me, it was a process and still is. During this time, He has also accepted that I have a need to know I am taking care of Him also. In order for me to be happy, I need to know I am giving Him as much as He is giving me, and whether that is giving a massage, cooking meals, cleaning or just curling up in His lap when He wants to cuddle, as long as He is happy, I can be happy too.
But mostly I like to know that I give Him a challenge when He needs one. Not necessarily a challenge in a sub way, but the conversation when He needs it, a smart-ass comment when He needs to just feel normal, being goofy when I think He needs to laugh. I don’t even know how many times I have told Him something stupid I’ve done, just to know He got a smile or laugh from it. And I don’t think He minds that I truly think I have things to teach Him. A lot of older Doms I talk to are a bit offended by the idea that I feel that way, but I think it is insecurity more than they actually think a sub shouldn’t think that way.
One of the things I love about Master is I don’t think He will ever get into a certain way of doing things and stay in that place. He likes to find different ways of approaching things, He isn’t afraid to try new things and I need that combination of safety and yet not knowing how He is going to choose to bring the submissive side of my nature out. One of the things that brought us together and made us forget the age difference is that we both do think this way, sort of a combination of old soul and new wonder. Both of us need a certain amount of routine without things becoming commonplace enough to take each other for granted.
Another thing that has made it easier is that He never minded that He had to earn my respect and it took a long time. I give people a certain amount, after that it all has to be earned, and He did. He was patient and nurturing and never tried to take more than I was able to give, and He seemed to know where that line was instinctive, although we did have some growing pains during the process, it always progressed, both of us feeling our way through things that were new to us. He was honest when He encountered something He didn’t expect or know about and told me and we would work through it and figure it out together. He is infinitely more patient than I am when it comes to what I see as weakness on my part, telling me over and over that, I don’t always have to be the strong one and should depend on Him to take care of me.
Slowly, and over much time, He has shown me that He is able to take even my craziest moments, and even if they do make Him blink in shock, He never lets me see it in that moment. And when He does tell me, it isn’t in a way to make me feel that I am wrong in some way, just to show me that I am special in that I can shock even Him. I think one of the good things about His age is that He doesn’t feel the obligation or weight of trying to come across as the perfect, unaffected Dom. If He’s unsure about something, He lets me know in His way and doesn’t worry that I might think He’s weak or lesser that He doesn’t know everything. His Domination of me never feels programmed or practiced, it flows from Him naturally, just like His support.
Because of that, it never felt awkward that He was younger than I am, even though I was always the more mature of my friends, always the “old soul” of any group. Most of the time, it never enters our minds, unless we start talking movies or music, or how long ago we were in school. Somehow we connected in a way that it wouldn’t have mattered anyway, I think. Even if we hadn’t ended up where we are now, we would have been important to each other, just because we are so much alike in so many ways and just different enough that it stays interesting, which is what we both need.
Agog is a slave of two years. She is currently in a long distance relationship and moving towards a live-in relationship. She loves writing, reading, dancing and being an over thinking geeky bratt for her Master, Zinsho. She's a member on Fetlife and has a public blog called Bumbling Into Submission.